Would you consider having a revenge affair/ fling if your spouse had an affair and you decided to stay together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is the least bad choice for ME. Others will believe and act differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are saying is nice in theory. The problem is if I leave the marriage now after my spouses infidelity I will suffer and so will my kids.
So I won’t leave. But will get side action to numb the pain. For me that has helped.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

The thing I hate, hate, hate about Esther Perel is the way that she prioritizes kids and family bonds over the health and safety of the victim of infidelity. She doesn't see infidelity as abusive or manipulative, and she doesn't deal with the way it turns what the victim partner thought was consensual sex on the basis of negotiated monogamy into non-consensual sex.

Infidelity, particularly serial or long term, can cause significant long term trauma to the victim partner and advocating for partners to stay together in the interests of "familial bonds" and "effect on the children" is just advocating rape culture. It is asking the victim partner to stay in an unsafe environment. It's not the victim who should consider the impact of their response (divorce or not) to infidelity on family bonds or kids after the i fidelity - it's the cheater, who should have considered kids and family bonds before cheating.

Sometimes actions have consequences that can't be fixed.

right. sounds better than throwing up repeatedly for months …

LOL this is called affair fog. All cheaters rationalize like this. You’re not special because your spouse did it first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No. Just not agreeing with radical feminist concepts that are not legally recognized in the US.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling marital sex rape after infidelity is nuts. Name one state in the US that defines it as such in its criminal code. Sounds like some wacked out left wing feminist talk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

The thing I hate, hate, hate about Esther Perel is the way that she prioritizes kids and family bonds over the health and safety of the victim of infidelity. She doesn't see infidelity as abusive or manipulative, and she doesn't deal with the way it turns what the victim partner thought was consensual sex on the basis of negotiated monogamy into non-consensual sex.

Infidelity, particularly serial or long term, can cause significant long term trauma to the victim partner and advocating for partners to stay together in the interests of "familial bonds" and "effect on the children" is just advocating rape culture. It is asking the victim partner to stay in an unsafe environment. It's not the victim who should consider the impact of their response (divorce or not) to infidelity on family bonds or kids after the i fidelity - it's the cheater, who should have considered kids and family bonds before cheating.

Sometimes actions have consequences that can't be fixed.

I don’t think she’s deny that infidelity can cause serious harm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her advocate for a partner to stay. I do think she’d raise an eyebrow at your suggestion that marital sex somehow becomes rape if a partner is cheating.

Thanks for mansplaining (womansplaining? EstherPerelsplaining?) what the victim of infidelity is allowed to feel after being victimized.

I'm sure that back when marital rape wasn't considered "real rape" that a lot of women were told that they shouldn't feel like they were raped by their husbands.

FYI, "legally it's not rape" isn't a great argument".

Girl, don’t pin this one on feminism. PP is an incredibly angry betrayed spouse. Feminism has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

The thing I hate, hate, hate about Esther Perel is the way that she prioritizes kids and family bonds over the health and safety of the victim of infidelity. She doesn't see infidelity as abusive or manipulative, and she doesn't deal with the way it turns what the victim partner thought was consensual sex on the basis of negotiated monogamy into non-consensual sex.

Infidelity, particularly serial or long term, can cause significant long term trauma to the victim partner and advocating for partners to stay together in the interests of "familial bonds" and "effect on the children" is just advocating rape culture. It is asking the victim partner to stay in an unsafe environment. It's not the victim who should consider the impact of their response (divorce or not) to infidelity on family bonds or kids after the i fidelity - it's the cheater, who should have considered kids and family bonds before cheating.

Sometimes actions have consequences that can't be fixed.

I don’t think she’s deny that infidelity can cause serious harm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her advocate for a partner to stay. I do think she’d raise an eyebrow at your suggestion that marital sex somehow becomes rape if a partner is cheating.

The incredible violation you feel when you are having all kinds of sex with your spouse and find out they have been having unprotected sex with someone else is traumatizing. Period. I threw up as soon as I found out and felt sick for months after. It’s horrifying.

+1. It is knowing that your spouse deliberately tricked you into having sex on terms (non-monogamy) that they knew you would never have agreed to had they told you they were sleeping with someone else. It is non-consensual sex. It is sex without informed consent. It is non-consensual sex by fraud.

ok lady

[Anonymous]

By your definition there are probably over 100 million rapists in America—men and women who cheated in marriage and in exclusive relationships( boyfriends and girlfriends).
What about those that just “hooked up” while in an exclusive relationship? I guess that’s not “rape,” maybe just 3rd degree sexual assault?

quote=Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

The thing I hate, hate, hate about Esther Perel is the way that she prioritizes kids and family bonds over the health and safety of the victim of infidelity. She doesn't see infidelity as abusive or manipulative, and she doesn't deal with the way it turns what the victim partner thought was consensual sex on the basis of negotiated monogamy into non-consensual sex.

Infidelity, particularly serial or long term, can cause significant long term trauma to the victim partner and advocating for partners to stay together in the interests of "familial bonds" and "effect on the children" is just advocating rape culture. It is asking the victim partner to stay in an unsafe environment. It's not the victim who should consider the impact of their response (divorce or not) to infidelity on family bonds or kids after the i fidelity - it's the cheater, who should have considered kids and family bonds before cheating.

Sometimes actions have consequences that can't be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

The thing I hate, hate, hate about Esther Perel is the way that she prioritizes kids and family bonds over the health and safety of the victim of infidelity. She doesn't see infidelity as abusive or manipulative, and she doesn't deal with the way it turns what the victim partner thought was consensual sex on the basis of negotiated monogamy into non-consensual sex.

Infidelity, particularly serial or long term, can cause significant long term trauma to the victim partner and advocating for partners to stay together in the interests of "familial bonds" and "effect on the children" is just advocating rape culture. It is asking the victim partner to stay in an unsafe environment. It's not the victim who should consider the impact of their response (divorce or not) to infidelity on family bonds or kids after the i fidelity - it's the cheater, who should have considered kids and family bonds before cheating.

Sometimes actions have consequences that can't be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

The thing I hate, hate, hate about Esther Perel is the way that she prioritizes kids and family bonds over the health and safety of the victim of infidelity. She doesn't see infidelity as abusive or manipulative, and she doesn't deal with the way it turns what the victim partner thought was consensual sex on the basis of negotiated monogamy into non-consensual sex.

Infidelity, particularly serial or long term, can cause significant long term trauma to the victim partner and advocating for partners to stay together in the interests of "familial bonds" and "effect on the children" is just advocating rape culture. It is asking the victim partner to stay in an unsafe environment. It's not the victim who should consider the impact of their response (divorce or not) to infidelity on family bonds or kids after the i fidelity - it's the cheater, who should have considered kids and family bonds before cheating.

Sometimes actions have consequences that can't be fixed.

I don’t think she’s deny that infidelity can cause serious harm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her advocate for a partner to stay. I do think she’d raise an eyebrow at your suggestion that marital sex somehow becomes rape if a partner is cheating.

The incredible violation you feel when you are having all kinds of sex with your spouse and find out they have been having unprotected sex with someone else is traumatizing. Period. I threw up as soon as I found out and felt sick for months after. It’s horrifying.

+1. It is knowing that your spouse deliberately tricked you into having sex on terms (non-monogamy) that they knew you would never have agreed to had they told you they were sleeping with someone else. It is non-consensual sex. It is sex without informed consent. It is non-consensual sex by fraud.

ok lady

DP. So true. And I can’t believe these OW don’t care he’s having regular sex with his wife and spooning with her every night. The ow knew this - yet when I found out about her I divorced and he dumped her. She had zero qualms “sharing”—-but it’s not really sharing when one party has zero idea.

[Anonymous]

The thing about Esther Perel is that she has a master's in art therapy - she's not a real psychologist. She says some buzzy things that make people feel better about their natural urges, even when they have acted on them in a way that causes harm. She doesn't seem to understand the very real trauma inflicted by infidelity. I'd don't disagree with everything she says, but I think she's mostly spitballing and that her insights are mostly along the lines of "just lighten up!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely feel like I'm owed a pass, should the occasion present itself. Petty or not, I also think I'd feel better if I took myself up on it. Easier to move forward that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

I’m a NP and I am not projecting because I have never been cheated on or cheated. In my professional life, I am very familiar with affairs and their impact on relationships. If I was your DH and read your posts I would run.

People do make terrible choices (and an affair is a series of terrible choices, not a mistake like buying whole milk instead of 2%), but it’s what they do when those choices are exposed that indicates whether they can become safe partners. All of your posts are focused on how you deserve to be treated, despite betraying and traumatizing your spouse. PP is right that you clearly have not truly taken accountability for your actions, and it also seems clear that you have no real understanding for the pain you inflicted. I would bet you have done no real work (like therapy, reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, being open with phone and social media, etc.) to make yourself a safe partner, and that makes you a very bad bet for not having another affair.

LOL, no one needs to show “accountability” and “understanding” to a bunch of histrionic losers on an internet message board. What happens in a marriage and the boundaries people draw are between them alone.

You and pp are clearly NOT mental health professionals, just people who get off on judging strangers. I think there are quite a few of you on this board who are particularly agitated by “adultery” and love bashing anyone who mentions it.

And I can’t lie, I’m a little amused at how aghast you are about a situation where you have literally 0 knowledge or details. You are weaving a story in your mind with no help from me and seem VERY invested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

Omg. Total mindset of a cheater. Do as I say not as I do. I can spread my legs for years to another man—-but if you take another woman it’s over.

Listen to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

lololol!! so you were entitled to cheat and be forgiven; yet your husband cheating would be unforgivable and the end of the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Not trying to be better. What has happened has happened. Dealing as best you can with the cards you have been dealt.

Watch Esther Parel. She talks about on in America there is this pressure to get divorced whenever infidelity happens. There is little consideration to how it affects family bonds or kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they value being with their kids every day! Americans don’t value family enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

the vast majority of philosophers and humans would consider a well-timed and satisfying fling in the wake of a partner’s affair to be quite excusable. It would be about sex, full stop. Nothing to do with proving yourself desirable or better, just evening the playing field. I don’t mean tit for tat necessarily, but it means you now
have an equal experience. Not sure why it would cause so much “hurt”. It makes you equals.

This makes me think of that maxim we all learn in kindergarten 'two wrongs don't make a....', wait no, not that it was, 'an eye for an eye' yeah.

OP, you know yourself (and your DH) best. Therefore, do not let the glib posters (like the "two wrongs" poster) unduly influence you. It may be that your DH can only understand how the affair made you feel after you have one yourself.

I know of circumstances where a DH had affairs, promised to stop, but did not until the DW had started having affairs herself. Once he knew that she had experienced and enjoyed another man, he understood the impact of his actions. In other words, the DH lacked the empathic awareness to understand how the DW felt until she treated him like he had treated her.

Of course, most men are not that shallow and feel actual remorse for the affair without having to feel the pain themselves. However, you know him well enough to know if he might need the lesson your affair would provide.

Seriously: why stay married in this circumstance. Everyone in the bolded relationship behaved without honesty, integrity, or self-respect. This is sad.

There are worse things in life than being divorced and single. Seriously.

That’s kind of a manipulative excuse, right? Like your spouse could have used the exact same reasoning for cheating on you:

I can’t stand this marriage but I want to be with my kids every day.

In fact, I see plain old cheaters using that rationale on this website constantly.

You can “revenge cheat” if you want but you’re no better than the original cheater.

I’ve read a lot of Esther Perel and I’ve never seen her advocate for the kind of selfish stupidity that a “revenge affair” would entail. Either fix your marriage or peace out. If you have an affair you’re a cheater too and you don’t have much of a right to be mad at your spouse, plus you are probably tanking any chance of fixing the marriage.

No, she doesn’t advocate for that. Nor would she advocate for a relationship eternally premised on being the victim-victimizer or one party being the more moral and ethical one. She certainly would not condemn a wife for having an emotionally cleansing fling. What she really advocates for is understanding that people have affairs (sometimes) in order to feel more alive even if the marriage is strong. She would advocate against an hysterically puritanical view that could never understand how an affair could indeed level the playing field as a way to move on.

I think you’ve missed the whole point… affairs aren’t healthy. When Ester Perel talks about how affairs fill an unmet need for people, that doesn’t mean they are healthy. I had an intense emotional affair- it definitely felt good but that doesn’t mean it was good on any level. And if my husband turned it around and had an affair too I wouldn’t blame him but at that point, why bother being married?

He would just be trying to hurt me in return for hurting him. Why would I want that for myself even if I was the absolute worst wife? This isn’t about “condemnation” or perpetually being a victim. A marriage can’t take an endless amount of assault and come out intact. If you are dead set on lying, cheating, and sneaking around, you are just harming yourself and the marriage.

I think the bigger question is why you would think, after your affair, that your husband had any obligation of monogamy to you? Why is it that you only think the "point" of being married is broken when he has an affair after you do? The "point" of being married was broken by YOU when you had YOUR affair, and if he were to "cheat", he would just be behaving as a person who no longer owes a commitment of monogamy - which he doesn't because you broke that vow by cheating.

Also, how strange it is that you frame it is "why would I want to be with someone who would hurt me" - and yet, you hurt him with the infidelity. The real question is why would he continue to sleep with or be in any kind of relationship with someone who cheated on him - even if he was the worst husband, why would he want that for himself? no one
deserves to be cheated on even if they were a terrible husband.

You seem really to be pathologically unable to take responsibility for your actions and very narcissistically self-centered and with a lack of empathy.

This is the curious thing that cheaters don't understand - the marriage and the vow of monogamy is over the moment a cheater cheats. Your spouse owes you nothing if you cheat, least of all any kind of continued monogamy or honesty.

Because he loves me. I know it absolutely makes your blood boil that someone could make a mistake and still be loved when you don’t have that capacity for love and forgiveness.

If your marriage is about hurting each other back and forth like a tennis match that sounds terrible and guess what, I’m not interested in that for myself. Be mad.

Weird that your concept of being loved is that you should be able to hurt your partner, and he will accept that.

That is a very abusive concept - I should be able to hurt other people and if they love me, they will take it.

I loved my cheating husband deeply. I was shocked by his cheating, since we had an active sex life. I was even more shocked that when confronted, he said he loved me and begged me not to end the marriage, and yet he kept lying and cheating.

I didn't end my marriage because I wanted to hurt my husband. I loved my husband but I loved myself and my kids as much or more than h I loved him. I had the strength to put up boundaries to make sure that the kids and I could grow up in a loving, honest, safe home and that could only happen if I ended my relationship with the person I loved most but who also hurt me more deeply than anyone in my life and made my life unbearably unsafe and unstable.

I do have a capacity for love and forgiveness. I can have and demonstrate that capacity without continuing to endanger myself and my kids. Demonstrating my capacity for love and forgiveness doesn't require me to sacrifice myself, my safety or my desires.

I’m sorry that happened to you but I’m not your husband and my husband isn’t you. Relationships are complicated and sometimes people can find a way to get past hurt and forgive each other without getting “revenge.” There simply isn’t a path forward for my marriage if my husband stooped to “revenge cheating.” He has his own line as well I’m sure. It’s not really about who deserves what; at that point it would just be a relationship that had run its course. That happens. Sometimes life sucks like that.

You’re projecting your situation on total strangers to let out some of your impotent rage about your circumstances. This doesn’t make much difference in my life, but it seems unhealthy for you.

lololol!! so you were entitled to cheat and be forgiven; yet your husband cheating would be unforgivable and the end of the marriage?

After infidelity some people decide to repair the marriage in a real way, and won’t tolerate less than that. It’s not “unforgivable,” it’s just not a marriage anymore once you are having revenge affairs. That’s my opinion.

That doesn’t fit into the “martyr/victim that needs the betrayer to snivel for forgiveness permanently” paradigm that some of you mistake for “healing.” Oh well.