Dear MILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

No, a lot of MILs don't actually do that.

[Anonymous]

Look i think half the problem with ILs is spouses who wont go see them alone and give the other person some alone time. There is ZERO reason your spouse needs to be with you on visits to ILs the vast majority of the time. My parents live abroad but if they lived close I assume I'd see them 1-2 x per week and DH would see them maybe once a month for lunch or something. stop dragging your spouse into your relationship with your parents and give the person some space. and DILs all huffy about how MIL acts like - just get some space and tell your dh to go hang with his family.

[Anonymous]

Wow! While I haven’t read through all of the comments I am so shocked that so many of you find it completely normal and expected for a MIL not to care about her DIL.

Where I’m from when you marry someone you become a part of that family as well and you care for one another. I know for a fact my MIL genuinely cares about me as well. Obviously she will always love her own son more than me that’s totally normal and expected but she still cares about me as my own person and as her DIL.

When I had surgery she would personally text me to see how I’m recovering and she even stopped over to the house with baked goods.

When I was pregnant she would reach out to see how the pregnancy was going. In a non intrusive way.

Is it that much of a rarity to care about your DIL? That’s just so sad to me that so many of you have had negative experiences where your mil didn’t care about you.

Before you ask I am very close to my own parents as well but that doesn’t mean I can’t be close to my mil as well.

I think I would be hurt if I had a very difficult pregnancy and then my mil didn’t ask about me at all. Then waited until I wasn’t around and when my husband seemed tired asked him about it. But to be fair that’s because my mil has always shown love and genuine care for me.

My dad’s mom always showed love and care for my mom as well.

I think it’s so odd that it should be expected for your mil to treat you essentially as a stranger or acquaintance would be treated.

I do agree with the posters saying though it sounds like a DH problem more than just a mil problem. It is generally advised by marital counselors to not go to outsiders especially biased ones such as parents to vent about your marriage.

So the fact that this mil waited until the wife specifically wasn’t around to question her son on why he was so tired makes me think she feels comfortable asking her son these undermining questions and there has to be a reason she feels comfortable doing so and that reason is probably because her husband talks to his mom about this stuff.

Parents are like the most biased source on the planet. I would be having a conversation with my husband too if he was running to his mom to vent about me or dealing with the new baby because it would cause a rift between his mother and I and put strain on our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look i think half the problem with ILs is spouses who wont go see them alone and give the other person some alone time. There is ZERO reason your spouse needs to be with you on visits to ILs the vast majority of the time. My parents live abroad but if they lived close I assume I'd see them 1-2 x per week and DH would see them maybe once a month for lunch or something. stop dragging your spouse into your relationship with your parents and give the person some space. and DILs all huffy about how MIL acts like - just get some space and tell your dh to go hang with his family.

I’m the one with the 4 month old baby and I think I’m going to do that moving forward. Just find myself scarce when mil comes over and I’m going to ask my husband not to repeat the unflattering things mil says about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear DILs Everywhere,

Your husband was my son for many years before he was your husband. I don’t care if he is 5 or 95 as long as I’m alive it is my “job” to lookout for him and make sure he is being treated right.

So many men work hard for their families and all their wive’s do is spend their hard earned money. As a mom of a young son I want my son to be treated kindly in his marriage and not dominated by a domineering woman in the future.

And I don’t give a rat’s ass what you think my first loyalty is always to my own son. If I think he is being taken advantage of in his marriage you bet your ass I always have that “right” to pull him aside and have a conversation about it.

I carried him for 9 months, gave birth to him, raised him into adulthood, held him while he cried, fixed his boo boos, stayed up with him all night. I will always cradle to grave protect him.

He can divorce you honey and get another wife but he can only ever have one mother.

Signed,

A mother of a young boy.

Wow, scary. Is this a Troll post?

You are raising your young misogynist son to marry a woman who will do everything for him and shut up?

[Anonymous]

wtf happened 4 months ago that you still need someone to ask you if you’ve recovered?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

So they didn't bother to come out to help you postpartum? No phone calls? Nothing? Or did you forbid that because you wanted to do it all on your own and it would be this great fun bonding time. But that's not reality, and now you realize you that it's not working you lash at your MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wtf happened 4 months ago that you still need someone to ask you if you’ve recovered?

The world stopped being all about her and that pisses her off. She can't say that out loud because people really don't take kindly to moms resenting their kids, so OP has taken to attacking her MIL for not making OP the center of her universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

It’s not true. The faster you get rid of this assumption the better off you will be.
I’ve been burned twice.
First I thought that a host family is just like real family.
Second, I thought my FIL genuinely liked me, just because he was decent to me (unlike my somewhat crazy parents).
OP do you have a distant or tumultuous relationship with your own parents? If yes, your need to find a loving and stable parent is unfulfilled and is projected onto your MIL.
She is the wrong object of your projection though.
Yes she sees you as someone who is supposed to take care of her son and produce kids for him (and grandkids for her).
If she was smarter she would take your DH for a walk and ask him questions and then explicitly tell him not to talk about it with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

So they didn't bother to come out to help you postpartum? No phone calls? Nothing? Or did you forbid that because you wanted to do it all on your own and it would be this great fun bonding time. But that's not reality, and now you realize you that it's not working you lash at your MIL

My mom wanted to come out but I said no because my husband and I can handle it. She came out for a week when the baby was 2 months old.

[Anonymous]

wtf with this obsession that you are an incubator. That’s not normal thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay I haven’t read all the comments but I absolutely KNOW for a fact that it is possible to cause a rift between parent and child if child is influenced by someone else who is unfortunately not mentally well or just an evil person.
I am not a MIL FWIW

Again if the grown man allows himself to be influenced by his wife when in 2024 he has his own car and cell phone that’s a him problem. Take that up with your actual child not their spouse. Your child is the one.

It’s not specific to men. Read Rules of Estrangement, it’s a great book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

So they didn't bother to come out to help you postpartum? No phone calls? Nothing? Or did you forbid that because you wanted to do it all on your own and it would be this great fun bonding time. But that's not reality, and now you realize you that it's not working you lash at your MIL

My mom wanted to come out but I said no because my husband and I can handle it. She came out for a week when the baby was 2 months old.

As I thought. Narcissitc control freak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to understand and accept that 9 out of 10 MILs only care about their child, and care about their spouses only inasmuch as they add value to their children’s lives.
It’s just the way it is.
Don’t expect your MIL to care even if she is polite enough to ask you how you are etc
That’s why she is trying to assess the situation FOR HER SON and maybe her grandchild, and do so without you standing in the way and blocking the airwaves so to speak.
Use your own parents for comfort! Stop expecting it from ILs!
Signed,
-someone who has been burned

So I wasn’t wrong then when I said mil sees me merely as an incubator?

That’s not good mil behavior.

A lot of mils love and care about their DILs and even see them as a second daughter.

It’s not true. The faster you get rid of this assumption the better off you will be.
I’ve been burned twice.
First I thought that a host family is just like real family.
Second, I thought my FIL genuinely liked me, just because he was decent to me (unlike my somewhat crazy parents).
OP do you have a distant or tumultuous relationship with your own parents? If yes, your need to find a loving and stable parent is unfulfilled and is projected onto your MIL.
She is the wrong object of your projection though.
Yes she sees you as someone who is supposed to take care of her son and produce kids for him (and grandkids for her).
If she was smarter she would take your DH for a walk and ask him questions and then explicitly tell him not to talk about it with you.

Then yes an incubator which isn’t kind mil behavior. What kind of questions do you suppose mil should ask? And then ask her son to keep secrets from his own wife is also not good mil behavior.

Also why does she think her son would be more loyal to her than his own wife and listen to her by keeping secrets from his own wife?

Also how is it mil’s place to stick her nose into her son’s marriage when he is grown??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a small-minded and miserable woman. And your husband is dumb enough to report back to you what she said (also you don’t know if he exaggerated to rile you up). You two sound like a good match.

How am I small minded? Because I call MILs out on sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong.

Let’s see how you react when your mil does the same thing.

So let's be clear here. It's Mils's business to ask how your pregnancy is going. if you are feeling well if you are tired? However it's not her business to ask how her son is doing? If she asks after her son she is judging you and your marriage.

Do I have this correct?

My point is that I had a super rough pregnancy and labor which is a lot more than her son went through yet she didn’t seem to care about me at all because she never asked but her son seems tired which is a natural thing for a first time parent of a young baby and she acts concerned about.

Also interesting how we were together all day and then she waifs until I leave the room to ask my husband that question.

That’s the part that really stuck out to me that it was her passive aggressive way of hinting that I’m not doing enough.

Oh so you're a controlling narcissist.. This entire thing makes sense now

How am I a controlling narcissist? I told you my mil didn’t ask about me at all and a tough pregnancy and labor is a lot more serious than seeming tired.

That’s what bothered me she seemed to only view me as an incubator for her grandchild.

So her precious baby boy is tied. It’s not good mil to not show any concern for your DIl.

Where are your parents? Are they scared of you too?

Because I’m upset people must be afraid of me.

Well, where are your parents?

Why is that relevant? They live on the other side of the country.

So they didn't bother to come out to help you postpartum? No phone calls? Nothing? Or did you forbid that because you wanted to do it all on your own and it would be this great fun bonding time. But that's not reality, and now you realize you that it's not working you lash at your MIL

My mom wanted to come out but I said no because my husband and I can handle it. She came out for a week when the baby was 2 months old.

That’s seriously odd.

The birth was so traumatic that you want your MIL to ask you about it 4 months later but your own mother did not come out.

When she did it was only for a week because you can “handle it” … but you’re exhausted.

Gurl!