Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)

[Anonymous]

I am just reporting from a NoVA court experience

I don’t care what I am labeled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just reporting from a NoVA court experience

I don’t care what I am labeled

What you're doing is trying to scare OP into keeping this quiet and unreported, asked on your own very different experience. Stop it.

[Anonymous]

I am saying there are real world (and yes shocking and poor) outcomes that should be considered

just research take your time and make a decision then

talk to people

[Anonymous]

OP this doesn’t sound like a one-time thing. It sounds like an escalation. Yes alcohol contributed but I don’t see how it won’t happen again. And you can’t just tell someone “don’t drink” and expect them to stop.

Like a prior poster said, drinking doesn’t cause you to do things that are totally against your nature. It amplifies things. I think your husband is dangerous.

I don’t think you should make any decisions now and you need time to just let yourself survive but I also think that if you try to stay, you’re going to be hounding him about AA and emotionally exhausting yourself in couples therapy and he might just do it again anyway. I know I personally couldn’t handle that, even for the sake of my children whom I adore more than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Yeah. This doesn’t surprise me. I live in Ohio and have a friend who has to share custody of her child conceived in a convicted rape.
The child is 10 years old now, so this isn’t some brand new law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Yeah. This doesn’t surprise me. I live in Ohio and have a friend who has to share custody of her child conceived in a convicted rape.
The child is 10 years old now, so this isn’t some brand new law.

The court doesn't care what the father does to the mother, it's danger to the kids that is taken into consideration when dealing with custody. What PP is talking about though is a judge punishing the mother for discussing her abuse. Yes there might be some crooked sadistic judges out there but this would almost never happen. OP shouldn't be afraid of speaking up because it will end up costing her custody. It doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Yeah. This doesn’t surprise me. I live in Ohio and have a friend who has to share custody of her child conceived in a convicted rape.
The child is 10 years old now, so this isn’t some brand new law.

The court doesn't care what the father does to the mother, it's danger to the kids that is taken into consideration when dealing with custody. What PP is talking about though is a judge punishing the mother for discussing her abuse. Yes there might be some crooked sadistic judges out there but this would almost never happen. OP shouldn't be afraid of speaking up because it will end up costing her custody. It doesn't work like that.

I don’t think this happens BECAUSE of the judges. It happens because of the things the mother says and does that are used against her. SHE is made out to be a poor “ co parent “ because she is viewed/ judged as putting herself and her needs in front of her child’s needs.

Family court. read the cases on google
There is a georgetown prof who rights about this (and DV).

[Anonymous]

I am one of the rape survivors who suggested counseling and that he stop drinking. I was thinking and I’d have him get a vasectomy, too. If you do ever resume having consensual sex, he needs to be the one who is preventing the births.

Given your update, OP, I am more optimistic. Either way, with counseling, I know you will eventually be strong and at peace and confident in yourself and your parenting (whether you stay married or not). When I was young, I said and did some horrible things while drunk. I can’t imagine doing those sober and it’s hard to believe I did them. That said, I had to live the consequences. I’ve tried to make amends by no longer drinking among other things. Nothing bad has occurred without the alcohol.

I love that you are angry!!! I never got to that phase. I was numb emotionally for a long time (this was a stranger and before I was married and had kids). Don’t be surprised by other emotions that you may feel. It may be like grief, since you’re mourning who you thought he was. If he is remorseful, doesn’t drink, gets a vasectomy, and SHOWS over time that he is respectful and trustworthy, maybe things can work out. If not, the counseling will help through that as well. If you don’t like a counselor, keep trying new ones. And remember you aren’t alone. For all its faults, DCUM really does have a lot of caring and understanding people. We are here for you! Since you are with family, get as much sleep as you can. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

Deborah Epstein & Lisa A. Goodman, Discounting Women: Doubting Domestic Violence Survivors' Credibility and Dismissing Their Experiences, 167 U. Pa. L. Rev. 399-461 (2019). [WWW] [Gtown Law] [HEIN] [W] [L] [SSRN]

Then read your local family court custody cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Do not listen to this person, who is wrong.

Good cases in your jurisdiction with these key words. Find out for yourself. Don’t take any random advice as truth

Google google cases

Once you allege a crime against a father it’s hard to undue

Your shocking illiteracy makes you a non-credible source of information and advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worked with a very nice young woman once who had a baby then fell pregnant again two months after the birth because her husband who was a regular drinker would not respect her postpartum recovery at all. The unplanned baby wrecked her health - she developed a permanent thyroid condition among other issues doubtless from gestating a pregnancy in a body that was depleted and exhausted from having just completed the process a few weeks before conception of the next one.

There was a post from someone saying how they'd experienced this kind of rape with boyfriends more than once before and had put her off men altogether. Just want you to know that you're not alone, I experienced sexual assault by a partner more than once, guys who you would otherwise think were really great nice guys - there is a beast that resides it the heart of too many men, I think. Even a lot of otherwise nice-appearing men think of women's bodies as possessions, especially in the context of a relationship of some kind.

I lost my virginity this way at 14 and my last boyfriend at 40 did the same thing to me, having sex with my body when I was in a semiconscious state from cold medicine and illness and had refused him sex before asking to be left alone to sleep.

I'll never date another man I don't think. I'm 1000% heterosexual and at one time had a very high libido, but yet I find men repulsive and spent most of my adult life voluntarily celibate despite plentiful interest. Any time I let one in, they eventually showed they couldn't be trusted.

I read recently that scientists are working on a male contraceptive pill but they fear there would be little interest because of the modifying effects on testosterone levels. Personally I think we might achieve world peace if we could get all the men on such a pill.

I am a happily married man and I totally understand and respect your opinion. Given what you have gone through, nobody can blame you for thinking this way. Thankfully though the vast majority of men even ones with extreme level of testosterone Know right and from wrong. The vast majority of men do know what constitutes rape.

[Anonymous]

OP, feel very sad reading your update.

So you were staying with family when this happened?

Wonder if he felt like that made it easier to coerce on some level, you'd be less likely to scream not only for fear of scaring kids but waking up the whole house?

Many people actually don't have sex while visiting family, whole thing is really strange.

I'd call a hotline and get advice re: options, referrals, mandatory reporting and all the jurisdiction based details.

Hugs to you, if he is generally a good guy must have been even more shocking. Reading your words was very difficult. Has he said anything besides he didn't remember?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never call troll on DCUM - but this post makes no sense. If OP has had sex 5-6 times in the 2 weeks since she was cleared for intercourse at her 6 week postpartum checkup, or if her husband was initiating sex prior to the 4-6 week checkup, that is very out of character for a husband who is used to having sex 3-4 times per month or roughly once a week.

A lot of people (unadvisedly) don’t follow the advice to wait til 6 weeks pp to have sex. I’m guessing OP didn’t (likely because she already felt pressured for sex by her husband before he raped her). OP, it sounds like your husband’s behavior is escalating. If you’ve had sex already 5-6 times since giving birth 2 months ago…that’s already showing your husband doesn’t really respect you sexually and doesn’t care about your healing process. My husband was even more cautious than I was about making sure it was ok to have sex postpartum. It’s such a difficult time w hormone changes, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation…and many women are still bleeding and sore for 6 weeks after birth. It’s not a good time to have sex. Sounds like your husband didn’t care about that already and then he escalated to full on raping you a few nights ago, using alcohol abuse as a cover/excuse.

Something to consider, OP, esp as the frequency lately already seems higher than normal for you as a couple, even if you did not follow the wait 6 weeks rule. It's all quite troubling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Do not listen to this person, who is wrong.

Lawyer here, any kind of abuse coming up in a family court proceeding can lead to surprising outcomes, quite the opposite of what one might expect. I'll leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have read a few cases where women allege this for custody. It does not end well for the women. Have you heard of the back-fire phenomenon in family court.

I am here to tell you it is real. It is alive and well. In many states judges are men. Men want to see their babies equal time. If they feel threatened they will ask for 100 percent time with their kids. You might get visitation

Yeah. This doesn’t surprise me. I live in Ohio and have a friend who has to share custody of her child conceived in a convicted rape.
The child is 10 years old now, so this isn’t some brand new law.

The court doesn't care what the father does to the mother, it's danger to the kids that is taken into consideration when dealing with custody. What PP is talking about though is a judge punishing the mother for discussing her abuse. Yes there might be some crooked sadistic judges out there but this would almost never happen. OP shouldn't be afraid of speaking up because it will end up costing her custody. It doesn't work like that.

Lawyer here and unfortunately family courts do not work the way you seem to believe. Even when one party has engaged in documented unsafe behavior towards the child, they may still be awarded 50%+ custodial time, unsupervised. Even if unsafe behavior was documented by CPS and was reported by a party other than the other parent, a neighbor, school, ped, etc. The system does not do a great job protecting kids, sometimes the opposite is the result.