Is being a mom harder than you thought?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Yeah, because I did it sometimes. My point is that if you pump, your husband or someone else can feed the baby when you aren’t there. Splitting responsibilities 50/50 doesn’t mean the mom didn’t breastfeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

I hear you. My parents were exactly the same. But even as a child I was always aware they were bad parents and neglectful negate I could see that none of my friends’ parents were like that.

Having terrible parents made parenting easier in some ways because I always know what NOT to do. But the thing it’s made way harder is discipline and boundaries because I had no example of how to do this in a fair, non-abusive way. I feel I’m overly permissive because I’m so scared of being like my parents. Also, I had zero respect for them because they were abusive so I have no idea how to establish credible authority and respect with your children.

Do you really think that parents who made sure all of your basic needs were met but just didn’t go the extra mile re: help with homework and putting you in lots if extracurriculars were “terrible” and “neglectful”? Because that’s what the PP before you was talking about.

My parents, is that you?

Yes, I do think that putting in zero emotional effort and constantly reminding your kids of the fact that you gave the bare minimum of care makes you a bad parent. But I was reading between the lines on that pp’s post. Their parents didn’t know or care about them emotionally, and I guarantee they felt that in subtle ways, and that is the pain they were trying to convey.

Once again, we are witnessing the newest trend of words can mean whatever I want them to mean.

Less than ideal parents are not neglectful. You should meet some kids who had to grow up in truly neglectful situations.

If you’re in therapy (which you almost certainly are) to help you “process” the “trauma” of not being taken to the library as a kid or having to figure out how to fill out a college application on your own (as a 17 year old who was apparently clever enough to go to college) you need to quit immediately and focus on something other than yourself. This modern constant navel gazing isn’t helping you, it’s feeding your narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Yeah, because I did it sometimes. My point is that if you pump, your husband or someone else can feed the baby when you aren’t there. Splitting responsibilities 50/50 doesn’t mean the mom didn’t breastfeed.

DP. Pumping doesn’t make it 50/50. Pumping means that it takes two parents to accomplish one feeding. Mom didn’t get out of any work, but Dad did add some work. Result = more total work.

(And I am not disparaging pumping. I pumped + breastfed for three kids.)

All that being said, I think it’s unrealistic to think parenting has to be 50/50 at all times. I did more when the kids were little babies, DH does more now that they’re into sports and activities. It ebbs and flows, and that’s okay, too.

[Anonymous]

I felt like I managed the baby/toddler years really well. The elementary years are killing me. Ten thousand sports and activities and birthday parties. Never-ending school commitments. Homework battles. Screentime battles. Big feelings. Friend disputes. 504 meetings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Yeah, because I did it sometimes. My point is that if you pump, your husband or someone else can feed the baby when you aren’t there. Splitting responsibilities 50/50 doesn’t mean the mom didn’t breastfeed.

DP. Pumping doesn’t make it 50/50. Pumping means that it takes two parents to accomplish one feeding. Mom didn’t get out of any work, but Dad did add some work. Result = more total work.

(And I am not disparaging pumping. I pumped + breastfed for three kids.)

All that being said, I think it’s unrealistic to think parenting has to be 50/50 at all times. I did more when the kids were little babies, DH does more now that they’re into sports and activities. It ebbs and flows, and that’s okay, too.

Right but pumping does allow both parents to split the childcare more equitably. Mom pumps some, dad can use pumped milk to do an overnight feed while mom sleeps. I’m just saying it’s totally false to say that there is no way to split things up 50/50 and breastfeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Yeah, because I did it sometimes. My point is that if you pump, your husband or someone else can feed the baby when you aren’t there. Splitting responsibilities 50/50 doesn’t mean the mom didn’t breastfeed.

DP. Pumping doesn’t make it 50/50. Pumping means that it takes two parents to accomplish one feeding. Mom didn’t get out of any work, but Dad did add some work. Result = more total work.

(And I am not disparaging pumping. I pumped + breastfed for three kids.)

All that being said, I think it’s unrealistic to think parenting has to be 50/50 at all times. I did more when the kids were little babies, DH does more now that they’re into sports and activities. It ebbs and flows, and that’s okay, too.

Right but pumping does allow both parents to split the childcare more equitably. Mom pumps some, dad can use pumped milk to do an overnight feed while mom sleeps. I’m just saying it’s totally false to say that there is no way to split things up 50/50 and breastfeed.

No, it does not. And that was my point all along. I’m the one who wrote that baby rejected dad. She rejected dad even with pumped breast milk. This may shock equality poster to learn, but babies can tell the difference between their dad and their mom from birth, and some (many? Most?) have a strong preference for mom no matter what. I pumped. My husband every single day, as much as baby allowed. He did night wakings, feedings, changing, playing. And STILL baby really only wanted me for 2+ years. I am an old school, second wave feminist. I wanted this to be equal. It was not equal. Stop insisting it can always be equal. Biology is not equal.

[Anonymous]

I have teens, and wow, these teen years are kicking my a**. I love my kids, but life will be so much more peaceful when they’re out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Yeah, because I did it sometimes. My point is that if you pump, your husband or someone else can feed the baby when you aren’t there. Splitting responsibilities 50/50 doesn’t mean the mom didn’t breastfeed.

DP. Pumping doesn’t make it 50/50. Pumping means that it takes two parents to accomplish one feeding. Mom didn’t get out of any work, but Dad did add some work. Result = more total work.

(And I am not disparaging pumping. I pumped + breastfed for three kids.)

All that being said, I think it’s unrealistic to think parenting has to be 50/50 at all times. I did more when the kids were little babies, DH does more now that they’re into sports and activities. It ebbs and flows, and that’s okay, too.

Right but pumping does allow both parents to split the childcare more equitably. Mom pumps some, dad can use pumped milk to do an overnight feed while mom sleeps. I’m just saying it’s totally false to say that there is no way to split things up 50/50 and breastfeed.

No, it does not. And that was my point all along. I’m the one who wrote that baby rejected dad. She rejected dad even with pumped breast milk. This may shock equality poster to learn, but babies can tell the difference between their dad and their mom from birth, and some (many? Most?) have a strong preference for mom no matter what. I pumped. My husband every single day, as much as baby allowed. He did night wakings, feedings, changing, playing. And STILL baby really only wanted me for 2+ years. I am an old school, second wave feminist. I wanted this to be equal. It was not equal. Stop insisting it can always be equal. Biology is not equal.

My baby was equally attached to both of us and it had nothing to do with breast feeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

You did not breastfeed.

Do you…know what a breast pump is?

Do you…know that pumping is 100x harder, more time consuming, and inconvenient than breastfeeding?

Yeah, because I did it sometimes. My point is that if you pump, your husband or someone else can feed the baby when you aren’t there. Splitting responsibilities 50/50 doesn’t mean the mom didn’t breastfeed.

DP. Pumping doesn’t make it 50/50. Pumping means that it takes two parents to accomplish one feeding. Mom didn’t get out of any work, but Dad did add some work. Result = more total work.

(And I am not disparaging pumping. I pumped + breastfed for three kids.)

All that being said, I think it’s unrealistic to think parenting has to be 50/50 at all times. I did more when the kids were little babies, DH does more now that they’re into sports and activities. It ebbs and flows, and that’s okay, too.

Right but pumping does allow both parents to split the childcare more equitably. Mom pumps some, dad can use pumped milk to do an overnight feed while mom sleeps. I’m just saying it’s totally false to say that there is no way to split things up 50/50 and breastfeed.

No, it does not. And that was my point all along. I’m the one who wrote that baby rejected dad. She rejected dad even with pumped breast milk. This may shock equality poster to learn, but babies can tell the difference between their dad and their mom from birth, and some (many? Most?) have a strong preference for mom no matter what. I pumped. My husband every single day, as much as baby allowed. He did night wakings, feedings, changing, playing. And STILL baby really only wanted me for 2+ years. I am an old school, second wave feminist. I wanted this to be equal. It was not equal. Stop insisting it can always be equal. Biology is not equal.

My baby was equally attached to both of us and it had nothing to do with breast feeding.

That’s fab for you. Your baby is outside the norm.

[Anonymous]

I thought it would be hard. I thought I wanted two. I now know I do NOT want two - one is plenty and very very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Much harder. Probably because I wasn’t actually parented. My basic needs were met: food, clothes, shelter, medical care. But past that, my parents weren’t involved. No one read to me regularly, took me to the library, helped with homework or helped me work through things I was struggling with. No one thought to put me in activities where
I could learn new skills or follow interests. No one thought about saving for me to go to college, which colleges, helping with applications.

I hear you. My parents were exactly the same. But even as a child I was always aware they were bad parents and neglectful negate I could see that none of my friends’ parents were like that.

Having terrible parents made parenting easier in some ways because I always know what NOT to do. But the thing it’s made way harder is discipline and boundaries because I had no example of how to do this in a fair, non-abusive way. I feel I’m overly permissive because I’m so scared of being like my parents. Also, I had zero respect for them because they were abusive so I have no idea how to establish credible authority and respect with your children.

Do you really think that parents who made sure all of your basic needs were met but just didn’t go the extra mile re: help with homework and putting you in lots if extracurriculars were “terrible” and “neglectful”? Because that’s what the PP before you was talking about.

My parents, is that you?

Yes, I do think that putting in zero emotional effort and constantly reminding your kids of the fact that you gave the bare minimum of care makes you a bad parent. But I was reading between the lines on that pp’s post. Their parents didn’t know or care about them emotionally, and I guarantee they felt that in subtle ways, and that is the pain they were trying to convey.

I’m the PP you originally responded to. And yes you are exactly correct in your interpretation of what I didn’t outright say. Clearly I left out a lot of details, but you understand and yes it is/was painful and I put so much more time and effort into being a good parent to my children, in many ways.

[Anonymous]

It's both easier and harder.

It's easy to love them and have fun. But hard stuff is HARD. And there's always something. Some of it turns out to be not a big deal, some of it can be a big deal.

It's less physically relentless now that my kids are bigger. The pandemic was a really hard time to have little kids (mine were 3 and 5) and I think some mothers are still recovering from that. But emotionally, I think motherhood is always hard. There is always a new phase for your kid, and for you. That doesn't really ever stop.