Is being a mom harder than you thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not give parenting a single thought before I became a mom but once my kids were born I actually found parenting joyful. I think this was due to lots of things working in our favor and a lot of luck. Also, I did not have to contend with the stressors others are talking about.

I am a SAHM so I did not have the stress of a job like many mothers do. I have only 2 kids who are spaced 5 years apart so I was never juggling multiple small kids at the same time. We were ok financially so I could outsource stuff, and my wonderful parents helped for the first few years of birth. We never had a nanny or babysitter for our kids and took cues from our kids. For example, we co-slept for many years, nursed on demand, EBF for 9 months, did not sleep train or let them CIO, took them everywhere with us, did not use pacifier or screens. My kids were toilet trained quite early without much effort too. My DH is also very capable, involved and a cheerful parent to have around, so my kids are equally bonded with him. They are in their late teens and early twenties now.

BUT, as I have said, we did not have other stressors in life which many people have that can make parenting harder. Also, we were very lucky that we were not dealing with difficult issues like health, finances, eldercare etc.

It sounds like you gave up your entire life for your kids. No career. No date nights with your husband. You even gave up space in your marital bed for your kid. Taking them everywhere with you. Attached to your boob for months on end. This all sounds like hell.

Oh, I am sure it sounds like hell to you. However, I have always been quite satisfied with my life, marriage, family and SES - so for me being with my kids and having a calm family life was heavenly. I am very glad that I had family help, had time with my kids and could afford to outsource chores in the early years of parenthood.

I do not glamorize being an overworked mom and one of the reasons that I enjoyed parenthood is that I had the time and resources to not be overwhelmed. YMMV. However, to me it sounds like that you are an extremely bitter person. Sorry that you hate your children so much. They must be an awful disappointment to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not give parenting a single thought before I became a mom but once my kids were born I actually found parenting joyful. I think this was due to lots of things working in our favor and a lot of luck. Also, I did not have to contend with the stressors others are talking about.

I am a SAHM so I did not have the stress of a job like many mothers do. I have only 2 kids who are spaced 5 years apart so I was never juggling multiple small kids at the same time. We were ok financially so I could outsource stuff, and my wonderful parents helped for the first few years of birth. We never had a nanny or babysitter for our kids and took cues from our kids. For example, we co-slept for many years, nursed on demand, EBF for 9 months, did not sleep train or let them CIO, took them everywhere with us, did not use pacifier or screens. My kids were toilet trained quite early without much effort too. My DH is also very capable, involved and a cheerful parent to have around, so my kids are equally bonded with him. They are in their late teens and early twenties now.

BUT, as I have said, we did not have other stressors in life which many people have that can make parenting harder. Also, we were very lucky that we were not dealing with difficult issues like health, finances, eldercare etc.

Based on what you describe, I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband leaves you. Your husband is clearly not a priority for you. You live for your kids. He is likely scared of you and going along with it. You’ll be shocked by the divorce and tell everyone how you gave up everything for him. But he never demanded you give up your entire life and identity for kids.

What an awful and vile person you are! Did your low expectation of men came from having a deadbeat dad and a cheating husband? You seem like a deeply unhappy and horrible person.

[Anonymous]

It is much easier. Kids are 4 and 6. It’s only easier because DH is great. Most other DHs and it would e harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

[Anonymous]

When I had my first child, the abrupt change was hard. The tunnel felt long and narrow. But I knew things would get easier. It comes in tiny tiny increments, but it does get easier. You have to put a lot of work into making it easier though - i.e. giving the child the attention a person requires, taking them seriously, encouraging their endeavors and setting an example for high expectations. By the time my kids were in middle school, I didn't have to worry about them ONE bit.

[Anonymous]

I think in hindsight the early years are harder physically but the tween years are hard mentally and I would actually suggest it's hard at both stages. My 2 kids are 12 and 14 one of each gender with my oldest having dyslexia and ADHD. While the early years for me personally was easier because I had a nanny (nanny share) and a back up nanny on weekends sometimes as a working mom, now it's just me. I think I spent more hours driving in my car this weekend for my kids soccer tournament than I spent at home! I think my second job is as a driver. So while I don't have to cook as much as my kids can do their own breakfast make a sandwich for lunch etc, I don't have to be home every minute as they can be alone in the house, I still have to help with homework and worry about their mental health you know?

When your kids get older it's a lot of planning and worrying. It's hormones, school, activities, it's never ending. I think that in a lot of ways it is "easier" than a 3 yr old but I think a lot of it also depends on the personality of your kid.

I think it is truly hard to be a parent. Much harder than I thought as well. The bright side of course is that you have this amazing kid that hopefully can be your friend. DD and I watch movies together and laugh like crazy. I'm amazed by DS wealth of knowledge and I learn every day through my kids. It's made me into a better person though it's not easy. It's a grind on a lot of days and people who say otherwise are in fact lying. You have moments of great joy but it's a lot of work every day and it's hard. Definitely a marathon!

I would say to new moms that every stage is different with ups and downs. No stage is truly harder or easier just different but physically for sure it's easier and you will know love on such a pure level that you never knew you could feel.

[Anonymous]

Ugh I hate how these threads devolve into women picking on each other. With my first I had a PPA and she had horrible reflux and multiple allergies and literally cried 5-6 hours every evening for about 2 months. I felt like I could not possibly get through it. Nothing has ever been that hard, although that child did turn out to have some special needs and a few really rough periods during diagnosis. With my second I remember just looking at him sitting in the bouncer and not screaming and think oh, this is what everyone else was talking about. Yeah this is delightful.

Now my kids are elementary school age and I love them and I enjoy them. Some days are harder than others. I worry about both of them- my younger one has some medical issues. I’ve always been a worrier and that’s been hard to keep under control. My mom used to say having kids is like having your heart walk around outside your body and that’s pretty much it. I just love them so much it’s wonderful and painful and scary all at once.

[Anonymous]

It wasn’t hard until the high school years. The rest of it was easy.

[Anonymous]

It's honestly been really tough at every age. Kids are 10 and 13. I think we've all been sold on a big lie to propagate the species-with women made to feel less than whole without a nuclear family and kids. Add feminism to the mix which added jobs onto our plate while not erasing any household and childcare duties. If I knew how hard "having it all" would be...I probably would have made different choices. I love my kids to death, they are awesome kids, and would take a bullet for them while simultaneously also recognizing that
they bring immense stress and added workload on my plate.

[Anonymous]

Holy crp yes.
So much yes.
If you don’t find it hard - you’re doing it wrong. Or you’re some kind of superhuman weirdo
Bringing up humans today is insane.

[Anonymous]

OP, I felt that way with first DD and when she turned 1 I hired a baby sitter for a few hours a week so I can get a break (am a SAHM). By the time dd #2 arrived, our sitter became a part-time nanny and I was fully adjusted to motherhood. I actually found it easy and pleasant. Kids are older nice and easy. I love being a mom!
Hiring help and in general being able to throw some money at problems (cleaning, take out dinner after a particularly difficult day) definitely help.

[Anonymous]

I have a helpful husband who has been very involved with DCs since birth, an amazing nanny who we lucked out with, and I am a SAHM. Also very fortunate that our DCs don’t have special needs so far.
Motherhood has been good for me except that though first year of adjusting to my life not being my own any more. Hang in there, OP. It gets easier or at least less tedious and physically draining.

[Anonymous]

Much harder, and also much more meaningful/joyful, both, than I could have imagined. I love being a mom.

[Anonymous]

So much harder, but I don’t think it’s inherent to being a parent but rather due to parenting in today’s world / parenting with my own baggage.

A few examples -

I have so much difficulty discipline my children. I’m so worried about “messing them up” the way my parents “messed me up” by simultaneously being overly strict and emotionally unavailable. The result is children who walk all over me, are unregulated and don’t do basic chores. But all the gentle parenting advice really paralyzes me, I legit am worried that if I yell at my kids I’ll ruin their lives.

The overemphasis of academics. My parents never paid attention to my schooling and it was fine - the public schools were just fine back then. Now you have to advocate for your kid at every turn and every parent seems to think their kid is a genius, it’s hard to tune that out.

People say “just get help, no big deal!” But I find managing babysitter exhausting. I do like getting away for an evening but I come home to empty pizza boxes on the countertop, a sink full of dishes and a messy house. And a babysitter expecting $25/hr for watching Netflix with my kids.