Is being a mom harder than you thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

NP here. I disagree. Most NT biological children in secure. loving and functional households will naturally prefer the mother when they need soothing at least when they are little. Your kid was ambivalent towards who provided care mainly because you were an unreliable presence in their life. Or, there is something wrong with you and your kids sensed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

I think my baby is just a little extreme on the attachment side. I don’t think it’s my husband. To be clear, my toddler has always liked him and been perfectly happy spending time alone with him (I can hear when I’m in another room and we talk about it later). The problem is, as pp said, when she’s upset and needs soothing. Then it has always been 100% mom, total rejection of dad. I do think this is normal but that mine is on the more extreme end.

[Anonymous]

I think it's harder than parents let on, but we either block it out or try not to be negative when talking with non-parents. I'm a single mom who is friends with a lot of women who are considering having kids or who are sad they don't have kids. I try to be really honest with them about the challenges so they either don't feel as bad if it doesn't happen, or they feel adequately prepared if it does. My daughter is amazing but it hasn't always been smooth sailing and I think it's important that people don't think everything is perfect from the outside.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally x1000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crp yes.
So much yes.
If you don’t find it hard - you’re probably not as neurotic as I am. Or you’re some kind of superhuman weirdo
Bringing up humans today is insane.

FTFY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crp yes.
So much yes.
If you don’t find it hard - you’re probably not as neurotic as I am. Or you’re some kind of superhuman weirdo
Bringing up humans today is insane.

FTFY

I think saying “you’re doing it wrong” is obnoxious, but I also disagree that any parent who finds it hard is neurotic. I’m not neurotic at all, and I think being a mom is hard in many ways. You can love and enjoy your kids and still find it hard. These things are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

I was expecting it to be hard, but didn't anticipate the ways in which it was most difficult for us. The first year was difficult as my son was a preemie, spent a long time in the NICU, had so many scans and appointments later and was even readmitted to the hospital at one point at around 6 months. The emotional toll of not knowing if our son would be okay was so hard. Then we had two in diapers, which was hard in a more typical way. Now that they're both in early elementary, it seems easy peasy and honestly delightful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crp yes.
So much yes.
If you don’t find it hard - you’re probably not as neurotic as I am. Or you’re some kind of superhuman weirdo
Bringing up humans today is insane.

FTFY

I think saying “you’re doing it wrong” is obnoxious, but I also disagree that any parent who finds it hard is neurotic. I’m not neurotic at all, and I think being a mom is hard in many ways. You can love and enjoy your kids and still find it hard. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I didn't say either of the bolded, nor was it implied. You're not reading and responding to what was written, you're making up a narrative to respond to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not give parenting a single thought before I became a mom but once my kids were born I actually found parenting joyful. I think this was due to lots of things working in our favor and a lot of luck. Also, I did not have to contend with the stressors others are talking about.

I am a SAHM so I did not have the stress of a job like many mothers do. I have only 2 kids who are spaced 5 years apart so I was never juggling multiple small kids at the same time. We were ok financially so I could outsource stuff, and my wonderful parents helped for the first few years of birth. We never had a nanny or babysitter for our kids and took cues from our kids. For example, we co-slept for many years, nursed on demand, EBF for 9 months, did not sleep train or let them CIO, took them everywhere with us, did not use pacifier or screens. My kids were toilet trained quite early without much effort too. My DH is also very capable, involved and a cheerful parent to have around, so my kids are equally bonded with him. They are in their late teens and early twenties now.

BUT, as I have said, we did not have other stressors in life which many people have that can make parenting harder. Also, we were very lucky that we were not dealing with difficult issues like health, finances, eldercare etc.

This sounds terrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Holy crp yes.
So much yes.
If you don’t find it hard - you’re probably not as neurotic as I am. Or you’re some kind of superhuman weirdo
Bringing up humans today is insane.

FTFY

I think saying “you’re doing it wrong” is obnoxious, but I also disagree that any parent who finds it hard is neurotic. I’m not neurotic at all, and I think being a mom is hard in many ways. You can love and enjoy your kids and still find it hard. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I didn't say either of the bolded, nor was it implied. You're not reading and responding to what was written, you're making up a narrative to respond to.

Huh. This wasn’t the post you “fixed”?

“Holy crp yes.
So much yes.
If you don’t find it hard - you’re doing it wrong. Or you’re some kind of superhuman weirdo
Bringing up humans today is insane.”

Sure looks like it to me. That PP’s original phrasing, “you’re doing it wrong,” was changed to, “you’re probably not as neurotic as I am.” Pardon me, it was “fixed” for the PP. If the “FTFY” wasn’t your post, why are you responding to mine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Easier than expected. I feel bad for how many women on internet sites sound completely overwhelmed.

This. From reading online I was sure nursing would be hell and I’d be lucky to give colostrum. Nope- both babies instinctively knew how to latch, my boobs worked, it felt funny but didn’t hurt, and it was so easy I was sure I was doing it wrong at first.

Just know you are lucky and never assume it is like this for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not give parenting a single thought before I became a mom but once my kids were born I actually found parenting joyful. I think this was due to lots of things working in our favor and a lot of luck. Also, I did not have to contend with the stressors others are talking about.

I am a SAHM so I did not have the stress of a job like many mothers do. I have only 2 kids who are spaced 5 years apart so I was never juggling multiple small kids at the same time. We were ok financially so I could outsource stuff, and my wonderful parents helped for the first few years of birth. We never had a nanny or babysitter for our kids and took cues from our kids. For example, we co-slept for many years, nursed on demand, EBF for 9 months, did not sleep train or let them CIO, took them everywhere with us, did not use pacifier or screens. My kids were toilet trained quite early without much effort too. My DH is also very capable, involved and a cheerful parent to have around, so my kids are equally bonded with him. They are in their late teens and early twenties now.

BUT, as I have said, we did not have other stressors in life which many people have that can make parenting harder. Also, we were very lucky that we were not dealing with difficult issues like health, finances, eldercare etc.

This sounds terrible

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

Np my husband is fantastic! He’s a great father, he does drop offs and I do pickups, he cooks dinners every night and reads to the kids every other night. My babies all preferred me. Youngest is 2 and still prefers me exclusively. When she’s tired she refuses to let him hold her or be near her. They were champion breastfeeders which is a lot of it but I also think kids just find comfort in mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idk why moms have to do 90% of tge child raising on top of doing pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

I used to think this, too. Then I had a child and found out that at least until age 2-3, your child demands you do 90% of the comfort and care regardless of how involved dad is or tries to be. Biology is so strong. We accept this in other animals but for some reason we believe that human babies should be rational and expect dad to do 50% of the caring. I really really wish that were the case.

Agreed. We also don’t accept the changes in the mother due to biology. My husband would always get up without complaint to tend to the baby in the night if I woke him up!. He could easily sleep through the baby crying. I could not. Mothers are uniquely attuned to their babies’ cries - it’s just nature.

No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. My husband woke up and was happy to help. Baby rejected him as an infant and a toddler. He takes her alone for hours every day and she still resisted and cried for me, for YEARS.

Sounds like there is something wrong with your husband. We split child care literally 50/50 during those years due to work schedules and baby was equally attached to both of us.

NP here. I disagree. Most NT biological children in secure. loving and functional households will naturally prefer the mother when they need soothing at least when they are little. Your kid was ambivalent towards who provided care mainly because you were an unreliable presence in their life. Or, there is something wrong with you and your kids sensed it.

Yep, there must be something horribly wrong with me because my child was securely attached to both parents. You sound so jealous.