Is being a mom harder than you thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if other moms feel this way? I love my daughter to death and she was extremely wanted and planned (IVF baby), but I find motherhood more challenging than I ever could have fathomed. I thought I knew what motherhood entailed going into it, but now I feel like I was so naive. The physical and mental demands are relentless. My baby is 9 months old. I still feel like I haven’t 100% adjustment to my new life. Does it get easier?

Harder, physically, lack of sleep, worrying, stressing over everything, logistics, scheduling, keeping tabs on meals, appts, clothes, shoes, academics, friendships, trying to curate memories, social stress....

But I am an introvert who before kids stayed home, worked and did nothing much but shopped, ate out a lot, napped and did what I wanted all of the time. So yes, compared to pre kids I think it's harder!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if other moms feel this way? I love my daughter to death and she was extremely wanted and planned (IVF baby), but I find motherhood more challenging than I ever could have fathomed. I thought I knew what motherhood entailed going into it, but now I feel like I was so naive. The physical and mental demands are relentless. My baby is 9 months old. I still feel like I haven’t 100% adjustment to my new life. Does it get easier?

Harder, physically, lack of sleep, worrying, stressing over everything, logistics, scheduling, keeping tabs on meals, appts, clothes, shoes, academics, friendships, trying to curate memories, social stress....

But I am an introvert who before kids stayed home, worked and did nothing much but shopped, ate out a lot, napped and did what I wanted all of the time. So yes, compared to pre kids I think it's harder!

Another aspect is emotionally, I have one girl who has a huge emotional core inside of her. So when she lets it loose, it can effect me a lot. My other girl, is more logical and not as emotional and easier to be around. The fights, arguments and overall talking increases too if your in a family. I crave quiet and although have always loved chatting with friends now I seek quiet.

[Anonymous]

I thought the early years were harder than now (tweens). Also an IVF baby. I think I was not mentally prepared for the big identity shift in my life. But it got better and easier for me as my kid got older.

[Anonymous]

It depends on what kind of baby and kid you have. The ones on here saying easier got children who slept and ate well and were generally low needs. My daughter barely slept 11 hours in a 24 hour period throughout infancy and toddlerhood and I wasn’t able to even eat, shower, or brush my teeth most days let alone leave her with anyone else (not even her dad) because she was/is SO high needs and clingy. So for me, it was orders of magnitude harder than I expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s definitely easier than I thought but I got pregnant by accident. Anecdotally, the friends I have who most desperately wanted to be moms and spent the most money to do it seem to hate it and complain the most.

Were they older? Every single one of my friends who had babies at 37+ has struggled with parenthood. I think because they were more used to a DINK life?

Most were mid thirties. It’s so wild to me to see the constant complaining when I know how much was spent to have these kids. The biggest complainer spent 40k each to adopt two kids.

I don’t know about complaining but I do think that if you struggle to have kids, it makes all of parenting (especially the young ages where fertility/adoption stress is fresh) a lot more fraught. If you got into something even somewhat by accident it can be easier to forgive yourself the learning curve and you will be more likely to have a less rosy expectation of motherhood since you spent way less time romanticizing it before you actually embarked on it.

I agree. I went into it with a lot less expectation that it was going to be wonderful and magical than a woman who has been dreaming of motherhood her whole life. It’s def a different perspective.

Absolutely agree. When you pour years of emotional energy, time, and effort into becoming a parent, it's impossible not to romanticize the idea. Then reality and hormones hit, like they do for everyone, and it can be really hard to reconcile the normal struggles with feeling like you should be grateful and appreciate every moment of the experience you worked so hard for.

OP, the first year of parenthood is hard. Babies are hard, the hormones and sleep deprivation is hard, and learning how to be a parent and seeing your life and relationship with your partner (if you have one) is hard. The physical and mental demands will ease as your baby gets older (i.e., past the toddler years), and you'll find your stride as a parent. We're in the elementary years now and it's so much less exhausting and so much fun, but it is really also painful to see them struggling emotionally and not be able to fix it. Mine was an easy baby, stubborn but happy small child, and a fabulous, confident, but emotionally sensitive bigger kid. Every year seems to get better than the last, and I'm excited to see her continue to grow.

[Anonymous]

If you had me list out all the work that goes into being a mom before I became one, I wouldn't necessarily have missed anything. So it wasn't that it was unexpectedly harder work, just that the quality of it and the depth of emotion was hard to understand until I was really **there**. I know it smacked me upside the head with my first and I didn't find my footing for about two years. Your role changes with every age and stage and there's grief and joy with the new things and the letting go.

[Anonymous]

First year was hell. Way harder than expected. 2nd and 3rd way easier than expected and very enjoyable. Who know what the future will bring.

[Anonymous]

Baby years and toddler years were golden for me. It really depends on the person.

In fact, I think about how cocky I was thinking I had everything organized, under control and happy with 3 under 5.

Then life gets more complicated. Enter a spouse’s job loss, COVID, illness& death of a parent and then one kid develops a serious medical illness that will never go away and another develops severe mental illness.

Am I so confident and in control anymore? No way. The problems get much bigger.

That said, I love my husband and kids. I sure wish life was more gentle, but alas, at least I have the company and love of our family.

[Anonymous]

Parenthood has been as hard as expected (my oldest is 12) but individual seasons have been harder than expected. Overall the lack of societal support and in some cases disdain for parents was what was not expected. SO. MUCH. “That sounds like a you problem.”

[Anonymous]

It’s been much harder but more rewarding. It can be 24/7 but the cuddles and smiles are worth it. I have four kids ten and under so it’s always crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if other moms feel this way? I love my daughter to death and she was extremely wanted and planned (IVF baby), but I find motherhood more challenging than I ever could have fathomed. I thought I knew what motherhood entailed going into it, but now I feel like I was so naive. The physical and mental demands are relentless. My baby is 9 months old. I still feel like I haven’t 100% adjustment to my new life. Does it get easier?

The basics were easy. The hard parts were when they were hospitalized and in the NICU and PICU. Then when we had to figure out the world of IEPs and what worked for them and how to get the school to do what they agreed to do. That is what kicked my butt.

[Anonymous]

I have a 3 year old DS, IVF, born when I was 43. No real romantic idea of motherhood. In terms of care giving, I find some days are hard, but the trend is fairly easy. Most difficult parts are DH's lack of support and dialing back my career. Balancing a newborn and WFH during COVID when few options for outside care were available is not something I'd ever want to repeat, or inflict on another mother. But, I haven't made it to the tween and teen years yet, so my assessment may change.

[Anonymous]

Harder than I thought:
- Finding reliable childcare
- Postpartum stuff (I had PPD, but just this whole genre of hormones/breastfeeding/birth recovery, I had a tough time)
- How much time and effort I have to put into feeding children, holy crap

Easier than I thought:
- Caring for/entertaining a baby and toddler
- All the school stuff. We're mid-elementary now and maybe we're lucky with our school but this stuff has been fairly straightforward.
- Travel with kids
- Giving up pre-kids life to focus on family -- I thought this would be really hard but turns out I really like my kids and love spending time with them and it's not been that big of a deal to trade concerts and bars and brunch for story times and family playdates and early dinners at family-friendly restaurants

About what I thought:
- Potty training/weaning/sleep stuff -- all the stuff that you get so much advice on. It's not effortless but it's not rocket science either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. It is so much more FUN that I could have ever anticipated. I mean, parenting is hard work, no doubt. But holy cow, they don't tell you just how freaking fun and joyful it all is.

Youare lucky, and am glad some people have that experience. I have not found it fun nor joyful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. It is so much more FUN that I could have ever anticipated. I mean, parenting is hard work, no doubt. But holy cow, they don't tell you just how freaking fun and joyful it all is.

Youare lucky, and am glad some people have that experience. I have not found it fun nor joyful.

I think it would be helpful for people to say how old their kids currently are when they make these declarations. But to be sure, different people have different reactions to the phases of their kids' lives. For me, the baby and toddler years were pure joy, but everything that came after that was more of a struggle. I think more people have the opposite experience.