Husband is furious at me for these two incidents...am I crazy?

[Anonymous]

You can do all the therapy you want OP, but if HE isn’t willing to go and really work on changing his communication style, the stonewalling etc is never going to get better. Do NOT have kids until you both sort this out.

For the record I don’t think you’re crazy.

[Anonymous]

Some men, me included, have a short fuse when a big important topic is discussed and an irrational highly improbable hypotherical argument is dropped in like you did. He says he wants a son, perfectly reasonable, and you give an example of why that outcome (which is random and highly prossible) and is a perfectly wonderful thing, could go insanely wrong due to an extraordinarily improble and unlikely (but impossible to 100% disprove) event you are irrationally anxious about. Our software doesn't know how to respomd in any way that could in that moment get you to agree that having a son is just fine if it happens and we will, in all probability, live happy non-mass-shooter-son lives. Our algorithm just outputs a "throw up hands and go to room" command. My wife does this, where I discuss a decision about the future and if she doesn't quite like my preferencd for some.reason but really there is no rational reason why its a bad option, her quick mind hunts down reasons why its a bad option that are.so highly improbable or completely subjective, but can't easily be assuged (she is good at finding those and selecting them). I've tried to reprogram myself to have other outputs like "just say ok, I maybe that's possible" and not take stand or argue the point and escalate but it's hard. If I do argue the point, she often then feels I am personally attacking her, even if I'm being super careful to debate on merits and not turn it into an ad hominem argument. We both have spent many years working out this dynamic and even analyze our arguments together after we've both calmed down to figure this out and recognize when we've stumbled into this minefield, which can sometimes happen very abruptly even during small talk over a cup of morning coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men, me included, have a short fuse when a big important topic is discussed and an irrational highly improbable hypotherical argument is dropped in like you did. He says he wants a son, perfectly reasonable, and you give an example of why that outcome (which is random and highly prossible) and is a perfectly wonderful thing, could go insanely wrong due to an extraordinarily improble and unlikely (but impossible to 100% disprove) event you are irrationally anxious about. Our software doesn't know how to respomd in any way that could in that moment get you to agree that having a son is just fine if it happens and we will, in all probability, live happy non-mass-shooter-son lives. Our algorithm just outputs a "throw up hands and go to room" command. My wife does this, where I discuss a decision about the future and if she doesn't quite like my preferencd for some.reason but really there is no rational reason why its a bad option, her quick mind hunts down reasons why its a bad option that are.so highly improbable or completely subjective, but can't easily be assuged (she is good at finding those and selecting them). I've tried to reprogram myself to have other outputs like "just say ok, I maybe that's possible" and not take stand or argue the point and escalate but it's hard. If I do argue the point, she often then feels I am personally attacking her, even if I'm being super careful to debate on merits and not turn it into an ad hominem argument. We both have spent many years working out this dynamic and even analyze our arguments together after we've both calmed down to figure this out and recognize when we've stumbled into this minefield, which can sometimes happen very abruptly even during small talk over a cup of morning coffee.

You have to start telling your wife that when you express an opinion or a feeling or a preference, she is not allowed to negate you by contradicting your opinion, feeling, or preference. You have to draw a hard boundary . For your wife, it's not about whatever the specific issue is. She is compulsively contradicting you because she wants to negate and control you. It's a form of passive aggressive psychological abuse that many women seem to engage in.

If for example you say "My favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate," a woman like this will reflexively say "Chocolate is no good" or "My favorite flavor is vanilla." Or say that chocolate is bad for you.

It's about negating or invalidating YOU.

You're not having a debate with her about what your favorite flavor is. But she will say "I'm allowed to have an opinion aren't I?". That's what these controlling types always say.

Your not allowed to have an opinion or preference. She has to argue about you with everything.

She's allowed to not like chocolate, that's fine. But her dislike of chocolate can in no way invalidate your personal preference for it.

That's why you're having constant strife. She isn't trying to discuss the merits of different flavors. She's denying you the right to have a preference or an opinion. About anything.

Next time she does it just say "Excuse me but I was communicating my feelings or preferences or opinions. The fact that you wish to compulsively negate me does not detract from the validity of my preference or opinion. You need to learn to accept that other people are allowed to have their own opinions about things and stating my opinion about something is not an invitation for you to contradict or debate me. If you do not wish to permit me to have my own feelings opinions and preferences then please write about it in your diary, because I am not at all interested in hearing your opinions about my opinions. Your opinions about such things are irrelevant because I am just expressing my subjective opinions about things. If you wish to present an idea or opinion to me and want feedback then say so and I will be happy to oblige. If I want a debate or argument from you about what my favorite flavor of ice cream should be, I will tell you."

[Anonymous]

To elaborate, if you say something to which she responds with some low probability catastrophic event as a way of negating you, you have to be blunt: "Honey you are too intelligent to not understand the odds of that happening are so remote that it is illogical to give that possibility so much weight in formulating your opinion. Therefore I have to conclude that this is about your compulsive desire to negate me. I will not permit this anymore. In the future when I express my opinion about something that is my opinion. You can like it or not. I am expressing it to you. I am not inviting s debate."

It's very simple actually. Every time she tries to absurdly contradict you, you have to focus on what she is doing, because there is a core reason for it.

If she says "But I am allowed to have my [invariably extremely negative and often bizarre] opinions too aren't I???". You say "Of course you are. But I will not permit you to try to invalidate everything I say and waste time with your ridiculously unlikely scenarios"

The only way to win her game is not to play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has been really angry and rude to me because he says I disrespected him by bringing up the following 2 "charged" topics:

- Yesterday morning, I was reading the Andrew Wylie article in the NYT. I thought it was interesting and enlightening. When Husband wakes up I tell him about it and he instantly gets angry saying he hates the elites and they have destroyed out country and how they are so wrong about what good literature even is. He tells me, "you and I have VERY different ideas about this!" and starts huffing and puffing about how he loathes snobbery.

I...just wanted to have a discussion about the state of the publishing industry these days and it was a huge triggering topic for him.

- This morning I was in a conference call with a boss from work who was talking about her male children. After getting off the call, I was making small talk with my husband as he was making lunch in the kitchen and I started musing about how it would feel to have a boy and whether I could be a "boy mom" and that I probably want a girl. He says he wants a boy. I follow-up to that saying that it may be a little complicated to raise a boy as you have to worry about ensuring they are socialized early and well so they aren't lonely and fall into depression. I said that I worry that maladjusted boys have a risk of doing disruptive things such as mass shootings and such. This triggered him. He started to get angry and said that wasn't true and that at least 40% of shooters are women. I was confused as that did not align with any of the data i have read so far. And I told him so. He was angry and said i am a misandrist and that I am insulting him as he is a man! And he did not like that I make generalizations about his gender!

I am increasingly confused and say that none of this is personal. He gets angry and says he does not want to do this anymore and raises his hand in the air to signal that he does not want to talk, walks away and shits the door to his room.

He has since been in his room and is stone walling me. I went over 10 minutes ago and he said he is still angry and that i hurt his feelings! Thsee topics are charged topics for him and I continue expressing my opinion and making him angry.

Isn't he overblowing this? Or am I crazy?

They're children, not Burmese Mountain Dogs... who thinks this way??

It's Bernese. Just to save you future embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s nuts OP.

So is OP, tho

"I don't want to have a boy bc he might be a mass shooter" is whack

[Anonymous]

I would think most mass shooters came from enraged, emotionally dysfunctional fathers, so if that is your concern, OP, do not procreate with him! I'd run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So happy my wife isn’t like the OP and my wife is equally happy that I am not like the OP’s husband.

Same here. I’m thankful for my sane family. Amen.

Yup, I dislike drama. Boring is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s nuts OP.

So is OP, tho

"I don't want to have a boy bc he might be a mass shooter" is whack

They both seem like they need therapy; and to continue using birth control for the foreseeable future.