Reply to Husband is furious at me for these two incidents...am I crazy?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Some men, me included, have a short fuse when a big important topic is discussed and an irrational highly improbable hypotherical argument is dropped in like you did. He says he wants a son, perfectly reasonable, and you give an example of why that outcome (which is random and highly prossible) and is a perfectly wonderful thing, could go insanely wrong due to an extraordinarily improble and unlikely (but impossible to 100% disprove) event you are irrationally anxious about. Our software doesn't know how to respomd in any way that could in that moment get you to agree that having a son is just fine if it happens and we will, in all probability, live happy non-mass-shooter-son lives. Our algorithm just outputs a "throw up hands and go to room" command. My wife does this, where I discuss a decision about the future and if she doesn't quite like my preferencd for some.reason but really there is no rational reason why its a bad option, her quick mind hunts down reasons why its a bad option that are.so highly improbable or completely subjective, but can't easily be assuged (she is good at finding those and selecting them). I've tried to reprogram myself to have other outputs like "just say ok, I maybe that's possible" and not take stand or argue the point and escalate but it's hard. If I do argue the point, she often then feels I am personally attacking her, even if I'm being super careful to debate on merits and not turn it into an ad hominem argument. We both have spent many years working out this dynamic and even analyze our arguments together after we've both calmed down to figure this out and recognize when we've stumbled into this minefield, which can sometimes happen very abruptly even during small talk over a cup of morning coffee.[/quote]

You have to start telling your wife that when you express an opinion or a feeling or a preference, she is not allowed to negate you by contradicting your opinion, feeling, or preference.  You have to draw a hard boundary . For your wife, it's not about whatever the specific issue is.  She is compulsively contradicting you because she wants to negate and control you.  It's a form of passive aggressive psychological abuse that many women seem to engage in.

If for example you say "My favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate," a woman like this will reflexively say "Chocolate is no good" or "My favorite flavor is vanilla." Or say that chocolate is bad for you.

It's about negating or invalidating YOU.

You're not having a debate with her about what your favorite flavor is.  But she will say "I'm allowed to have an opinion aren't I?". That's what these controlling types always say.

Your not allowed to have an opinion or preference.  She has to argue about you with everything.

She's allowed to not like chocolate, that's fine.  But her dislike of chocolate can in no way invalidate your personal preference for it.

That's why you're having constant strife.  She isn't trying to discuss the merits of different flavors.  She's denying you the right to have a preference or an opinion.  About anything.

Next time she does it just say "Excuse me but I was communicating my feelings or preferences or opinions.  The  fact that you wish to compulsively negate me does not detract from the validity of my preference or opinion. You need to learn to accept that other people are allowed to have their own opinions about things and stating my opinion about something is not an invitation for you to contradict or debate me.  If you do not wish to permit me to have my own feelings opinions and preferences then please write about it in your diary, because I am not at all interested in hearing your opinions about my opinions.  Your opinions about such things are irrelevant because I am just expressing my subjective opinions about things.  If you wish to present an idea or opinion to me and want feedback then say so and I will be happy to oblige.  If I want a debate or argument from you about what my favorite flavor of ice cream should be, I will tell you."[/quote]

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