Reply to I told my parents that we aren't coming over for Thanksgiving

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm all for rotating, but this is just weird.

Why didn't you ask if you could rotate or host this year? Why did you phrase it like "we aren't coming!"

I do think that everyone should get a chance to host, especially if you already have kids. You want those kids to have memories of holidays at home and helping to cook. [/quote]

I didn't phrase it like "we aren't coming". That's your thing.

I explained the menu, which is all things that I think my parents both like. It's very traditional. I also said that I appreciated their cooking, but I knew they had a lot on their plate right now, so they didn't have to worry about the upcoming holiday and were welcome to join us. I was responding to this situation with their friend that they are very involved in and is causing my mother stress but that does not involve me and I cannot help with.[/quote]

OK so why didn't you do it in a round about way like- I'd love to be able to cook with the kids and host this year. What do you think about that? And if they say no, then you move on to telling them that you're hosting.

I do see Thanksgiving as a shared holiday though. I didn't have family nearby so we always invited a lot of other friends and neighbors. It would have felt weird just to have 4 people around a Thanksgiving table. [/quote]

DP but I think it is better to be direct than to beat around the bush like that. OP knew she wanted to host Thanksgiving. She told her mother that's what she'd decided to do. OP is in her 40s and has a family of her own. The idea that her mother was (1) surprised, and (2) hurt by this announcement says a lot more about her mom's unrealistic expectations than it does about OP. What OP is doing is pretty normal and probably overdue.[/quote]

Dude, OP gleefully reported that her mother acted like she'd been punched in the face. Do you think she handled this the right way?

Well, probably, because DCUM is full of sadists who later wonder why they can't seem to get along with anyone.[/quote]

I have a mom who would also dramatically overreact to the news like this. I think no matter how OP handled this, her mom was going to find a way to be mad. I think it was probably smart to rip off the bandaid.[/quote]

Weird thing to assume, since you don't know OP's mom?

I think anyone would feel shocked if a beloved family tradition were coldly upended like this. And the invite - as OP originally reported it - sounds like an unvitation, not a real invitation.

I feel like someone with compassion - and a normal understanding of human behavior - would say: Mom, we'd really like to host Thanksgiving at our house this year. I've planned out a menu that I think you'll love - and it would mean the world to me if you'd come to my house this year.

It doesn't have to be so ingratiating - but something that acknowledges that the other person loves this tradition, looks forward to it, and will probably be surprised and resistant when the change is first proposed.

Or just be a cold-a** dick about it![/quote]

No assumptions. It is extremely normal for an adult in their 40s with children of their own to want to host holidays. It's very common and not "shocking." Responding to this announcement as though you've been punched in the face, like it's an insult for someone to say "We are going to celebrate this holiday in our own home this year" is absolutely a dramatic overreaction.

Also, it's pretty clear that going to OP's parents' house is not a "beloved" family tradition. Maybe beloved by her mom, but it sounds like OP and her family don't love it that much and were doing it out of obligation.

That said, I have no problem with how you suggest phrasing it, but honestly we weren't there and can't read tone and for all we know that's pretty much what OP said.[/quote]

This is actually not true - it is always something of a shock to a matriarch who is now being told that a new generation is taking over and she is being put out to pasture.  Every family goes through this rough adjustment OR the oldest generation keeps hosting until it becomes clear that it is too much work for them and they beg for mercy.  OP's mom had a hurt look, but did not argue, etc.  She did not dramatically overreact to something that clearly was a real disappointment for her.  It is fine for OP to want to have a family dinner, but don't throw shade at Grandma who is having a normal reaction at being replaced.[/quote]

+1.[/quote]

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