Lost It, Said Things I Can’t Take Back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask her to find new living arrangements.

Why? She isn't living with them.

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

[Anonymous]

What is she accusing you of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be about you, it may not.

I had a good upbringing. It wasn’t perfect, but on balance, it was better than most people’s. I had to learn that and it took some maturity. This is not likely to be your relationship forever, but get some distance for a while.

I pulled a lot of crap like this on my parents in my 20s. I was 1., depressed, 2., an alcoholic. I got sober at 28, treated my depression with therapy and meds. Improved all my relationships and the rest of my life.

My parents were kind to me throughout these changes.

This is the key. Your kid is going through some serious s*&t and taking it out on you, OP. It's not you. You are clearly not mentally ill. Your post would show that if you were. From what you describe, she's the one who is mentally ill. Try to be kind to your DD. She needs you as a parent, even if she says -- screams -- that she does not.

Is she on track in her life? Did she go to college, does she have a job, a career, a relationship? Maybe she feels she is failing and could use help making changes or getting back on track. life is hard. Be her mom despite what she says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s ridiculous. I know my 16 DD watches this crap on TikTok and claims I am endangering her mental health, being a bully, etc when I tell her she cannot do something (hang out with her friend who was just caught by his parents doing drugs, with money he stole from them). “It’s not your right to tell me what I can do and not do, I am my own person and it’s my body.” If I say “my house, my rules” she just claims I am holding money over her head.

LOL my teens claims I am denying their constitutional rights. LOL thanks MCPS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprisingly, the vast majority of abusive parents never acknowledge being abusers. Not surprisingly of course, because any of us who are not aberrant actors knows that it must take a twisted mindset to inflict physical or psychological abuse on a defenseless child and that kind of twisted thinking is not going to be amenable to calls to moral accountability.

So having this reality firmly in mind - a reality hard won of being an abused child and being a prosecutor of child abusers for many years - I am highly skeptical of the kind of people who snark about claims of child abuse (a very small percentage are not authentic) and automatically take up championing the parents as wrongfully accused. Methinks they doth protest too much.

Most "abuse" -- yes, I used quotes so I am suspect (that's snark) -- on this and other forums is not the kind of calculated mindset you describe. Most of it is not physical or sexual abuse, withholding food, etc. It's losing control after being pushed again and again and while remaining calm, etc. There is no twisted thinking involved. All of us snap at some point. All of us apologize for things we regret. That is life as a human being. Most of the posters claiming their parents were abusive are exposing their own twisted mindset. Another person could have the same upbringing and come out perfectly happy and well adjusted. So there you go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

This. Parents are allowed to be human and snap back when their children berate them.

Children are allowed to be human and snap back when their parents berate them.

Then they all apologize and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:However, she will never forget that you said that. You are correct. You can’t unring a bell. It will likely impact the rest of your relationship with her, forever.

My god, if it was such a horrible things for mom to say to daughter, then why is it okay for adult daughter to say it to mom? This is not a 5 year old she's talk about. If mom apologized, would daughter apologize too, or forgive mom? It doesn't sound like she has the maturity even to accept an apology with grace.

[Anonymous]

Tell her one day when she becomes a mom she will feel so horrible and mortified by how she treated you

[Anonymous]

I find watching lots of horror movies of women that were abused helps teen girls realize they really don’t have it that bad.

[Anonymous]

This may be a silly question but do you think she resents you for being better looking? I ask because my neighbor is going through a similar situation right now. Very sweet woman, just a doll. Did all the right things but the slovenly college daughter hates her guts . Turns out she hated that she was confused as her moms sister and that everyone told her she looked like her dad and not her mom who is the looker in the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gen Z, particularly the girls, have weaponized mental health. Every difficulty or shortcoming in their lives is blamed on “trauma” inflicted upon them by their parents. It’s a way to not take any responsibility and it’s fracturing families.

+1. Too much validation for them on the internet, so they retreat into childhood and victimhood instead of growing and being excited about adulthood. It’s exhausting and frightening as a parent walking in eggshells for years hoping your fragile daughter doesn’t harm themselves.

Liberalism equals victim mentality and persecution complex . What do you
Expect?

I doubt conservative families have these problems with kids faking mental health issues . Religion puts fear of authority , fear of self harm, and humility in kids early . There’s a reason these things like Sunday school that we used to all think was pointless existed . My mother used to tell me I would go to a lake of fire if I ever insulted her or stole or did drugs and somehow I kept that programming into adulthood . You need to program the kids from early into complete submission. The last thing you want is for them to think for themselves too much .
Things have run amok so much at some point, child emancipation from parenthood will probably become legal .


This is how we end up with TikTok teen therapy and everyone’s parent being a malignant narcissist because they want them to not go to a party or drink at 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

You said something vague and she was flipping out, plus trying to provoke you to some sort of response.

You could have said a ton worse things.

You mainly called out her behavior in that moment.

If that’s all, then give her space and offer love and support. Unclear why she’s out there blaming you for things. Maybe she has some negative influences in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You obviously think there’s something wrong with her deep down and that has influenced how she perceives you. I suggest therapy for yourself before you try to figure out your DDs issues with you.

Where on earth are you getting that from in this OP post?

Was there something clear about the mentally ill accusations bouncing back and forth? That didn’t seem clear to me.

op should have hung up or left the room or house. That’s what anyone should do who’s being verbally abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So apologize. See where that gets you. Then assess. It’s ok to tell her she pushed you until you had to fight back, and you are sorry. Are you sorry, OP?

Nah. Don’t apologize to a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

Ok, yes she needs to learn to regulate her emotions. Maybe get her GP or current doctors to address it with her.