How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

What is gross to me is the idea of controlling one’s descendants. Do you really expect your grandchildren to practice a religion simply to honor you and your beliefs? That sounds insane to me. Someday when I have grandchildren I will be so happy just knowing they are physically and emotionally strong. Let people live their lives and find their own faith. How degrading to think our grandparents’ religious values take precedence over our own. No I just cannot roll like that.

I think it’s part of your majority religion privilege for you to feel like that, honestly. It’s very challenging to sublimate that privilege to under the lived experiences of a minority religion or ethnoreligious group.

I didn’t mention my religious affiliation actually - just my personal values. It’s human rights kind of thing. I try to live by my personal values. They may or may not reflect my dead ancestors’ religious beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

What is gross to me is the idea of controlling one’s descendants. Do you really expect your grandchildren to practice a religion simply to honor you and your beliefs? That sounds insane to me. Someday when I have grandchildren I will be so happy just knowing they are physically and emotionally strong. Let people live their lives and find their own faith. How degrading to think our grandparents’ religious values take precedence over our own. No I just cannot roll like that.

I think it’s part of your majority religion privilege for you to feel like that, honestly. It’s very challenging to sublimate that privilege to under the lived experiences of a minority religion or ethnoreligious group.

I didn’t mention my religious affiliation actually - just my personal values. It’s human rights kind of thing. I try to live by my personal values. They may or may not reflect my dead ancestors’ religious beliefs.

Your statements are ego-driven and narcissism-forward, and cloaking it in "human rights" is particularly myopic and atonal, or as the kids would say "cringe." Your personal values need some work, I guess. It is not a human rights violation to give your child literacy into their heritage language even if there is an attendant religious practice (note: not religious belief) attached to it. One doubts you would say the same to an Indian parent who occasionally takes their kid to a temple and teaches them Gujarati. or a Chinese parent that enrolls their kid in a weekend school. Jewish practice does not require a belief in a higher power. It is a practice that requires practice, only. If a kid does not have minimal literacy, which is what a bar mitzvah is supposed to lead to - they cannot help others who do believe, practice, because Judaism is a communal religion lar It is not a requirement - and if the kid is miserable, there are other ways to promote Jewish literacy. But promoting literacy is not a human rights abuse - and if you think it is, that is so deeply steeped in privilege...cringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

But the kid DOESN'T want to be Jewish actively. That's the whole point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

But the kid DOESN'T want to be Jewish actively. That's the whole point.

Some families have different values. Just because they’re not your values doesn’t make them less important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

But the kid DOESN'T want to be Jewish actively. That's the whole point.

This is a hilarious argument, really. How many Christian kids want to go to Sunday school?? I don't remember a single one. How many kids want to take violin lessons, play the piano, do swim lessons, or go to after school tutoring? Not a whole lot. As parents we force them to do things we think will benefit them in the long run. I was personally against forcing the bar mitzvah on the kid (I didn't force mine to have one), but at the same time I totally understand why a parent would. This is the kind of choice parents make for their children all the time, so skip the judgement unless you are letting your kid eat candy for breakfast, skip his homework, and play video games all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

Dp
How will you feel as an adult they decide they do not want to practice Judaism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

But the kid DOESN'T want to be Jewish actively. That's the whole point.

This is a hilarious argument, really. How many Christian kids want to go to Sunday school?? I don't remember a single one. How many kids want to take violin lessons, play the piano, do swim lessons, or go to after school tutoring? Not a whole lot. As parents we force them to do things we think will benefit them in the long run. I was personally against forcing the bar mitzvah on the kid (I didn't force mine to have one), but at the same time I totally understand why a parent would. This is the kind of choice parents make for their children all the time, so skip the judgement unless you are letting your kid eat candy for breakfast, skip his homework, and play video games all day.

My parents allowed me to quit Catholic church and any other activity I did not want to pursue except swimming because that was a life skill. As for the others natural consequences would help the child learn rather than you forcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

But the kid DOESN'T want to be Jewish actively. That's the whole point.

This is a hilarious argument, really. How many Christian kids want to go to Sunday school?? I don't remember a single one. How many kids want to take violin lessons, play the piano, do swim lessons, or go to after school tutoring? Not a whole lot. As parents we force them to do things we think will benefit them in the long run. I was personally against forcing the bar mitzvah on the kid (I didn't force mine to have one), but at the same time I totally understand why a parent would. This is the kind of choice parents make for their children all the time, so skip the judgement unless you are letting your kid eat candy for breakfast, skip his homework, and play video games all day.

My parents allowed me to quit Catholic church and any other activity I did not want to pursue except swimming because that was a life skill. As for the others natural consequences would help the child learn rather than you forcing.

Did she let you drop out of school? For a lot of Jews, a basic Jewish education is part of their overall preparation for adulthood. It doesn't really compare to the Catholic church. No one is asking this kid to believe in anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

Dp
How will you feel as an adult they decide they do not want to practice Judaism?

I'm a DP, but I'll answer: devastated. It is devastating to lose our children and all their future descendants in that way. That is why we show they where they came from.

You really should try to understand that it's ok for us all to not really be the same. Cultures can have very different worldviews and we'll be keeping ours in spite of your assimilationist pressure, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

Dp
How will you feel as an adult they decide they do not want to practice Judaism?

I'm a DP, but I'll answer: devastated. It is devastating to lose our children and all their future descendants in that way. That is why we show they where they came from.

You really should try to understand that it's ok for us all to not really be the same. Cultures can have very different worldviews and we'll be keeping ours in spite of your assimilationist pressure, thanks.

Amen, achoti!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

Dp
How will you feel as an adult they decide they do not want to practice Judaism?

I'm a DP, but I'll answer: devastated. It is devastating to lose our children and all their future descendants in that way. That is why we show they where they came from.

You really should try to understand that it's ok for us all to not really be the same. Cultures can have very different worldviews and we'll be keeping ours in spite of your assimilationist pressure, thanks.

Wow you’d feel devastated that your child chose to have different religious beliefs than you? How is that any different than if they had opposing political beliefs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

Dp
How will you feel as an adult they decide they do not want to practice Judaism?

I'm a DP, but I'll answer: devastated. It is devastating to lose our children and all their future descendants in that way. That is why we show they where they came from.

You really should try to understand that it's ok for us all to not really be the same. Cultures can have very different worldviews and we'll be keeping ours in spite of your assimilationist pressure, thanks.

Wow you’d feel devastated that your child chose to have different religious beliefs than you? How is that any different than if they had opposing political beliefs?

I think in this thread enough of us have explained the difference. If you're interested in understanding, you should have enough information to see it from our perspective even if you disagree when wearing your own hat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

But the kid DOESN'T want to be Jewish actively. That's the whole point.

This is a hilarious argument, really. How many Christian kids want to go to Sunday school?? I don't remember a single one. How many kids want to take violin lessons, play the piano, do swim lessons, or go to after school tutoring? Not a whole lot. As parents we force them to do things we think will benefit them in the long run. I was personally against forcing the bar mitzvah on the kid (I didn't force mine to have one), but at the same time I totally understand why a parent would. This is the kind of choice parents make for their children all the time, so skip the judgement unless you are letting your kid eat candy for breakfast, skip his homework, and play video games all day.

My parents allowed me to quit Catholic church and any other activity I did not want to pursue except swimming because that was a life skill. As for the others natural consequences would help the child learn rather than you forcing.

Then consider it akin to swimming for your parents. Same idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

NP. Yes, just like many parents have "needs" to force kids to go to school when their kids might prefer to screw around on their iPads all day. If you want to be Jewish actively, sometimes that means you have to go do stuff. Like go to services and learn customs.

Dp
How will you feel as an adult they decide they do not want to practice Judaism?

I'm a DP, but I'll answer: devastated. It is devastating to lose our children and all their future descendants in that way. That is why we show they where they came from.

You really should try to understand that it's ok for us all to not really be the same. Cultures can have very different worldviews and we'll be keeping ours in spite of your assimilationist pressure, thanks.

Wow you’d feel devastated that your child chose to have different religious beliefs than you? How is that any different than if they had opposing political beliefs?

This is why you shouldn't really be commenting in this thread because you really don't know enough, and you should gracefully accept that. The Jewish religion is not similar to politics. It's about ancestors and history. A lot of it aligns with psychology. How to help the world.