How to handle a kid who does not want a Bar Mitzvah

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom pressured me to get confirmed. I stood up at the church not believing any of it. While I wasn’t traumatized it was performative, which seemed odd to me. Wouldn’t the church want me to be faithful?

My sister got confirmed in church. I didn't believe any of it and didn't get confirmed. When we got married we had a civil ceremony.

Likewise, if a kid going through a bar mitzvah has to confirm their commitment to certain principles, if they agree to go through this against their beliefs, that seems to be a problem.

Except they don’t. There’s no affirmation. It’s like giving a speech in debate class. You do it but no one cares if you believe it or not. It’s the act that matters.

I'm also left wondering "why bother" if it is meaningless. I don't think that more religious people think it's meaningless.

+1. Judaism is being presented in the thread as a club rather than a faith. I doubt that's true.

It's a people with an ancestral religion. There can be an element of faith but it isn't all about personal faith, and there is a heavy emphasis on practice. To call Judaism a faith on the Protestant model is a misrepresentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

I swear there's a troll here pretending to be Jewish to make Jews look bad. They're also busy on the college forum crying antisemitism because Jewish representation in the ivies has declined from 30-40% of incoming classes in the 1970s to 16-20% today.

You sound like you're warning Jews to shut up and blend. Or what? No one will like us anymore? Ship sailed.

[Anonymous]

Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks to the PPs who provided helpful perspective.

We met with the rabbi. We are going to pare back what my son has to read (no haftarah!) and limit his practice to 20 min, 4 times a week (vs 30 min 6 times a week, which was the original expectation and was stressing him out). She will talk to him and make it very clear that she does not expect him to be believe in god or care if he believes in god and that it is not her job to make him believe in god. We will talk to him about how just as we can't guarantee that he will need algebra in his adult life but he has to learn it anyway, he needs to go through the Bar Mitzvah process because as his parents we think it makes sense for him to be well prepared to participate in a Jewish community when he is older if he wants to do so.

Let's see if he goes for it. I wouldn't. Algebra is different - it trains the mind and is required to do other forms of math (and to get into college) - which he presumably wants to do.

Maybe he'll like that the Rabbi isn't pushing God, but I wouldn't be swayed. I'd think the rabbi was hypocritical and would wonder if the whole synagogue was just a charade.

Please tell us your son's reaction. I hope for your sake that he goes for it.

Dp. I disagree about Algebra. Not everyone is capable but kids are failing basic math so that should come first.

A better analogy is kids who have to go to language/culture schools. Like if you’re Korean or Korean American and you send your kid to Saturday Korean school, and he tells you he’s not interested in the school or its periodic public language demos and doesn’t feel Korean. Do you make him go? I would. He can decide never to speak Korean as an adult but he needs the language and cultural background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

I swear there's a troll here pretending to be Jewish to make Jews look bad. They're also busy on the college forum crying antisemitism because Jewish representation in the ivies has declined from 30-40% of incoming classes in the 1970s to 16-20% today.

You sound like you're warning Jews to shut up and blend. Or what? No one will like us anymore? Ship sailed.

OMFG. No, we’re telling you to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

[Anonymous]

Has he seen the drake hyfr video?

Maybe he’d want one after seeing how lit it can be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

Your centering yourself is curious, sounds like you need to reflect on your own prejudices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

FFS. Jews have "needs" to force their kids into classes the kids don't want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same poster again: we get to speak up for our needs just like anyone else. You just can't handle it when we're not consigned to the past and replaced.

#theyonlylikedeadjews

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

Your centering yourself is curious, sounds like you need to reflect on your own prejudices.

Weird that you took a post centering the Jewish grandparents and tried to do a 180 with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

I swear there's a troll here pretending to be Jewish to make Jews look bad. They're also busy on the college forum crying antisemitism because Jewish representation in the ivies has declined from 30-40% of incoming classes in the 1970s to 16-20% today.

You sound like you're warning Jews to shut up and blend. Or what? No one will like us anymore? Ship sailed.

Umm how about only you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

What is gross to me is the idea of controlling one’s descendants. Do you really expect your grandchildren to practice a religion simply to honor you and your beliefs? That sounds insane to me. Someday when I have grandchildren I will be so happy just knowing they are physically and emotionally strong. Let people live their lives and find their own faith. How degrading to think our grandparents’ religious values take precedence over our own. No I just cannot roll like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had an identical experience. I did not force my son to have one. As a kid I was forced to go through all the Catholic sacraments, because my Jewish mother and Catholic father decided without my input that I should be Catholic. I hated and resented having a religion I didn't choose forced on me - even moreso because at one point I had to do Confirmation, around bar mitzvah age, and everyone kept emphasizing how it marked my choice to be Catholic. Except I was forced and it didn't. It left me with a bad taste about forced religious rituals, so when my son didn't want a bar mitzvah I didn't force him.

I don't think forcing a kid to have one will make Jewish - it might even do the opposite. And you don't have to have one in order to be Jewish. So that's why I didn't force it.

That’s horrifying. Your poor maternal grandparents.

Love this megalomania, so typical. No care at all for the "poor" Catholic paternal grandparents.

Your AS AF respond is alas, also so typical. Gross.

What's AS about pointing out your ugly biases against the Catholic grandparents? You sound like the bigot yourself.

What's gross is shrieking "antisemite" every time somebody disagrees with you on an issue like which grandparents get to pass down their religion.

Surely you can’t be that stupid? Typical megalomania and shrieking is AS trope that one or bigots - probably you once or twice uses over and over DCUM, whenever Jews express themselves. It’s indeed gross.

Please, grow up. PP expressed empathy for the "poor" Jewish grandparents and ignored the Catholic grandparents on the other side of the family. Bigotry at its finest.

What is gross to me is the idea of controlling one’s descendants. Do you really expect your grandchildren to practice a religion simply to honor you and your beliefs? That sounds insane to me. Someday when I have grandchildren I will be so happy just knowing they are physically and emotionally strong. Let people live their lives and find their own faith. How degrading to think our grandparents’ religious values take precedence over our own. No I just cannot roll like that.

I think it’s part of your majority religion privilege for you to feel like that, honestly. It’s very challenging to sublimate that privilege to under the lived experiences of a minority religion or ethnoreligious group.