My friend moved without telling me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend (kid's friend's Mom actually, not the same) who moved and was very clearly like "We've enjoyed having friends here in DC but we're moving on so don't call us and we won't call you." It was a bit presumptuous but whatever makes you feel good about yourself I guess.

Wow that's bold. I live near a military base and became friendly with a handful of military moms when my son was a toddler through Kindergarten. (Seemed like a lot of the sahms at the park and activities and play places were military wives). I can think of 4 of them who moved away and then unfriended me on social media immediately. I found that odd.

[Anonymous]

Witness protection program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry. I had this happen before though not quite as dramatic, and it really hurt. Ignore the people acting like you are out of line.

DP - this. There is a DCUM contingent that thinks it’s unhealthy to show any kind of emotional attachment or upset, that the only way to be healthy is to unfazed by every human interaction. But really, having good mental health is about having the appropriate emotional reaction to a given situation - which you’re having, OP. No one would feel good about this.

I’d give a brief reply along the lines of, “sounds like a big change, good luck with everything” and then forego contact. You don’t want to spend too much time trying to read the tea leaves; let her come back to you if/when she’s ready.

I 1000% this. I’ve lived in the DC area for 25 years and I’ve seen it all. Some people have zero social graces. Others have zero emotional intelligence. And, many others are downright lovely. Focus on the latter.

Also, often we’re so quick to think we’re the problem or we’ve done something wrong but really 99% of the time, it’s the other person: their trauma, their lack of emotional skills, etc. I can’t imagine doing what this woman did but that’s HER problem not mine.

[Anonymous]

Mental health issues in the family?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP back with an update. Our girls are in 5th grade, so I'm confident DD got things straight. DH was surprised too. I hung out with my friend (one on one) a week and a half ago. She mentioned nothing. We talked about trying to firm up summer plans and vacations and such. We talked about the books we're reading, Love is Blind, all normal things.

In general, DH and I like to assume the best of people, so that's how I approached it. "Hey, DD told me today you guys moved to Wisconsin? Did she get that right? If so, please send me your new address so we can send you a housewarming gift! Also, so sorry we didn't get a chance to say goodbye in person. Hope the move wasn't too crazy!" She texted back over an hour later "Yeah lol" So ... I guess drop it?

You sound passive aggressive, pushy and invasive. And her response to you makes it clear as day you’re not a real friend. Drop it.

What a strange impression, PP. She was trying to be polite and kind and confirm that her friend had indeed moved and what the heck is going on. On no planet is that pushy, invasive, or passive aggressive. OP, loved the way you chose to handle. Very appropriate.

1: they are clearly NOT friends
2: she was just ghosted but this person and immediately asks for her new address

This is creepy and pushy. Back off.

If she had been ghosted, there would have been on response to OP's text.

No the hyper-literal definition of ghosted would be total radio silence. But rest assured, what OP is experiencing is ghosting. And continuing to text creepy stuff after you've been ghosted and asking for someone's new address (!!!!) after they've ghosted you is sooooo creepy and embarassing. OP has like zero self-awareness? Read the freaking room. It's over. Move on.

You sound like a really nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a friend (kid's friend's Mom actually, not the same) who moved and was very clearly like "We've enjoyed having friends here in DC but we're moving on so don't call us and we won't call you." It was a bit presumptuous but whatever makes you feel good about yourself I guess.

Wow that's bold. I live near a military base and became friendly with a handful of military moms when my son was a toddler through Kindergarten. (Seemed like a lot of the sahms at the park and activities and play places were military wives). I can think of 4 of them who moved away and then unfriended me on social media immediately. I found that odd.

Military moms are just a whole different breed. Their friendships are 100% the perfect definition of the situational friendships other people have mentioned.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Look back at your texts and meet-ups. It’s likely you were always initiating and you weren’t great friends.

OP here. DH and I combed through texts and memories. We both initiated. I'd hosted a Galentines Day party for DD and her friends (including the friend's DD), and then she and her DH hosted DH and me for dinner and during that dinner we made plans to try a new place for brunch in early March, which we did.

Combed through? You sound like a stalker. She clearly doesn’t want to give you explanations, or keep the door open to continue the friendship. Move on!

NP. It’s stalking to scroll back through your texts with someone? You sound insane

There’s glancing through yourself, and then there’s “combing through” with your husband! What, OP can’t read? She’s too emotionally fragile to scroll through some texts without DH? So bizarre. I can’t imagine asking DH to help me…look through my own phone. Psycho stalker with nothing better to do. Yikes, get a life.

OP here. Just to clarify, DH is friend's with HER DH. He looked through his texts (on his phone) with that guy, while I looked through my texts with my friend (on my phone).

OP you did nothing wrong, ignore the nasty, unhinged comments. Everything you've done, every reaction you've had is totally normal and understandable given the circumstances.

+1

[Anonymous]

This situation is very off. I'd look up the house to verify that it was sold. As others have mentioned, I'd feel out any mutual friends if that is an option. Also, I'm curious how DD knew that the family moved to Wisconsin: did she hear it from her classmate in advance of the move? Or did the classmate just stop showing up at school and the teacher said that the girl had moved to Wisconsin?

My guess is that the friend is dealing with something embarrassing. But who knows.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DD's teacher told the class, which is how DD knew. I don't feel comfortable asking other people about the friend. Based on her response to my text it doesn't seem she wants me to know more, so it wouldn't feel right to go digging around by talking to mutual friends. At this point, it seems right to drop it. She knows how to find me if she wants. Might as well turn my focus to helping DD strengthen her other friendships and doing the same for myself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I really want the story here. Is she even in Wisconsin? She could be anywhere!

Maybe OP’s “friend” is a spy?

In Wisconsin? Even the real/fake state dept folks I know tell friends and family before they leave the country. There’s a story even if it isn’t real.

Maybe the “friend” was working for another government

[Anonymous]

Wow, that’s crazy. Seems like there’s probably some sort of crisis going on in her life. I’d write back and say I hope everything is ok, I’ll be thinking of you, but your plan to drop it since you’ve already checked in sounds good too if that’s what you’re comfortable with. I feel like there’s no way this has anything to do with you or your friendship, there’s got to be something intense going on.

[Anonymous]

I've been really overwhelmed when moving and haven't contacted people I should have. If she's me, she feels guilty and would love you to reach out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DD's teacher told the class, which is how DD knew. I don't feel comfortable asking other people about the friend. Based on her response to my text it doesn't seem she wants me to know more, so it wouldn't feel right to go digging around by talking to mutual friends. At this point, it seems right to drop it. She knows how to find me if she wants. Might as well turn my focus to helping DD strengthen her other friendships and doing the same for myself.

PP here. Okay, I see your point. My mind went to suspecting a bad scenario where your friend may need your help, given her abrupt and secret departure, but that's probably my imagination on overdrive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been really overwhelmed when moving and haven't contacted people I should have. If she's me, she feels guilty and would love you to reach out

Yes, this. If I had to move quickly due to a traumatic event, and someone who I considered a friend barely tried to find out what happened and how I was, I'd wonder if we were ever friends. OP is being a good friend by demonstrating her care for this woman. Clearly something not great happened to her or her family, and in the stress and confusion she was unable to follow conventional niceties. I'm shocked by a lot of the responses telling OP to drop it, or that she's pushy. People in the DMV are so cold and unfriendly.

[Anonymous]

Did she really move? Maybe she’s still in the area.

Agree with PP, at least look online and see if her home was sold.