My friend moved without telling me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so, so sorry. That’s so incredibly weird that I’d wonder whether something huge and horrible happened and they had to move. But I’d be incredibly hurt.

I have a friend very like the one you describe - families hung out a ton, vacationed together, multiple years - and I’m still pissed I had to find out they’re moving from my kid. It could be that you aren’t as close as you thought; it could also be this person doesn’t have the emotional maturity you thought they did. It sucks.

Welcome to the MEMEME of the DC area. Your friend was incredibly self-centered. You did nothing wrong, OP. This area breeds the ‘let’s do lunch’ crowd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important that we all remember that we are not the main character in other people's lives.

We did something similar once. We were considering moving across the country, pending DH getting a job offer in the desired city. In the meantime, we didn't tell anyone we were considering the move because there was nothing to tell. He did get an offer, and within 2 weeks we were packed up and gone. We told plenty of people, but not absolutely everyone we knew.

IMO OP's text put the friend on the defensive. Rather than seeking information, it definitely held a hint of accusation. "I'm SUCH a good friend, I even want to send you a housewarming gift, and you couldn't even be arsed to tell me you moved!" I can completely understand just not having the emotional energy to deal with the disappointment. If OP had just texted something honest like, "Hey, I just hear you moved to Wisconsin, is that true? I can't believe you never mentioned anything!" she'd have likely gotten a warmed, more honest response in return.

No one is asking to be the main character in someone else’s life. No one. Those of us who have experienced close friends moving abruptly, with no hint that it was coming, are simply saying, hey, that hurt. Just because you don’t want to deal with it, or don’t think it’s warranted, doesn’t make your perspective the only valid one. We considered a big move a while back and I did think that consideration was news worth sharing with my closest friends. Good friends of ours moved away a few years ago, and everyone knew they had been considering it for a while - it was just an open topic of conversation. People do things differently.

At the end of the day, it’s fine for people to say, hey, I’m not going to disclose anything about the move until it’s a done deal (though the scenario the OP describes is unusual) and also I don’t care if my friends are bothered by that. It’s equally fine for those friends to say, well, that action changes my perception of our friendship. Both can be true. It’s not that someone’s the bad guy, it’s that people have different expectations.

[Anonymous]

Whenever someone is willing to uproot their kids and make them move away and switch schools in the middle of the school year, I usually assume there was some serious reason.

[Anonymous]

I had a casual local friend who I'd see around. Our DDs were in the same school and knew one another and when we bumped into each other (the mom and I) we'd always stop and say more than hello. But we were casual friends. During the early months of the pandemic (2020) I noticed a For Sale sign outside her house, but she never mentioned anything to me about it. She did drop off some herbs from her garden and texted that she didn't want them to go to waste, which I was grateful for. And then they moved thousands of miles away. I did text and say "I think you moved out of state and hope all is well" and she wrote back " yeah I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye properly to everyone but when I'm back in the area I'll let you know we're coming and we can meet up"

So I think I got a better version than the OP got with an even less serious "friendship". In fact I wouldn't call it a friendship at all, just a woman who was an acquaintance who I always enjoyed talking to when I saw her.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you ever hear anything more about why they moved--from her or someone else?

[Anonymous]

OP,

Did their house sell?

You can look this up online and find out the date. You will then know how long this was in the works. Your friend may have been lying to you by omission. If house did not sell, her DH may still be around....

Second, if you have been friends this long, you must have mutual friends. Ask one. Things are not always what they seem. Perhaps her response was coerced or monitored.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a very similar experience but what turned out to have happened was that I had gotten confused and the friend I thought who had moved (without so much as telling me a peep) was still there but, a different friend, well not a friend, but a person, HAD moved and HAD told me, even though at that time I didn't know or at least didn't remember who they were. Then when I approached the first friend to ask why they had moved I learned (from someone I hadn't met at the time) that they were still there. I had no idea. I think the point is you can't judge the means, motivations or necessities of others and if and when you do it is a very slippery slope. Good luck! Keep me posted!

[Anonymous]

Maybe they were swingers and someone found out?

[Anonymous]

I still want to know what happened!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important that we all remember that we are not the main character in other people's lives.

We did something similar once. We were considering moving across the country, pending DH getting a job offer in the desired city. In the meantime, we didn't tell anyone we were considering the move because there was nothing to tell. He did get an offer, and within 2 weeks we were packed up and gone. We told plenty of people, but not absolutely everyone we knew.

IMO OP's text put the friend on the defensive. Rather than seeking information, it definitely held a hint of accusation. "I'm SUCH a good friend, I even want to send you a housewarming gift, and you couldn't even be arsed to tell me you moved!" I can completely understand just not having the emotional energy to deal with the disappointment. If OP had just texted something honest like, "Hey, I just hear you moved to Wisconsin, is that true? I can't believe you never mentioned anything!" she'd have likely gotten a warmed, more honest response in return.

IMO that last line is still guilt trip-y about why the OP wasn’t told. But less passive aggressive than asking for an address to send a gift for sure…

+1

I have come to the conclusion that people are odd, and ultimately - they assume that you are as judgy as they are. If someone had their house up for sale, and refused to tell me where they were looking to move, it says more about them than me or you. Clearly, they are going somewhere, and have some idea. People don't just sell their house without somewhere else to go, even if it is an apartment.

OP, I think change is good - but not everyone feels that way. That, and some people only see themselves - no one else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been friends for five years. We text a few times a week, get together a couple of times a month with and without husbands, our kids play together. We've never had a falling out or an awkward moment. I asked DD how school was and she said it was lonely without Larla. I asked if Larla was sick. "No, they moved to Wisconsin." !!! My friend NEVER mentioned selling their house, the Midwest, cheese, packing, ANYTHING!

Obviously we weren't as close as I thought we were and I'm reevaluating all my friendships. I am resisting the urge to call DH at work to gossip with him about this. Why wouldn't she have told me? This takes an Irish goodbye to a whole new level!

When someone moves suddenly, and uproots their kids from their school, it usually has to do with either a family crises, or money. It is not a big question, OP.