Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]how did you date and fall in love with him?  surely this isn't a new thing.[/quote]

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh. [/quote]

I don’t think it was “masked.”  I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting.  I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me.  I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone.  DH seemed amazing.  
 [/quote]

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.  [/quote]

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

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As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.[/quote]

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t.  How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.[/quote]

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generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM. [/quote]

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit.  Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping. [/quote]

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis. [/quote]

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative. [/quote]

Bravo. This. [/quote]

It’s amazing you can’t see the inherent contradiction in what you write.

At the moment you start invoking developmental diagnoses, then it becomes fair game to discuss them. You’re not a doctor, OP is not a doctor, and most importantly none of us are OP’s husband’s actual doctor. This is an open forum. If someone is making claims about autism, we can all make claims about autism. [/quote]

Each person knows their own situation and has their iwn doctors.

Let it go.

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Ok so don’t post your own situation on a public forum. Done. [/quote]

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