Reply to How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to  no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this? [/quote]

I mean … clearly this marriage is not working for you. An autism diagnosis is going to do exactly zero to repair what you describe as a decades-long emotionally empty relationship. Chosing to focus on what is wrong with your spouse as opposed to taking responsibility for what YOU can do is a classic way to evade taking responsibility and to avoid change. You should get individual therapy to decide what you want. [/quote]

That doesn’t seem to be what’s going on here PP.

First of all, she’s neurotypical so never going accept the neglect and symptoms he bestows upon her, nor stop seeing “what is wrong.” It’s too chronic and embedded in him, and unchangeable without tons of effort from him.

What she has accepted as fact is that he’s not going to be a good partner nor supportive nor even reliable on a decent basis. So she likely has developed all sorts of work around and is quite independent.

She can also plan to leave once the youngest child is in college; this is not uncommon.

Agree, therapy for all so boundaries can be drawn and asd expectations understood.[/quote]

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