How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

Wait. I wasn’t trying to frame anything as bad “autistic” features. I was describing how I fell in love with my husband.

Also, really, I am guessing that your ASD child is very small, and he is totally adorable and it’s fun to talk in this grown-up way about whatever he is interested in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try everything and then just move on. We're still married but open, and I don't expect him to fulfill any of my needs except financial. Try treating the co-mobidities. DH is medicated for depression and anxiety, and if he wasn't we'd be divorced. Try a CPAP. DH needs a lot of down time when he's not masking so quality sleep is key.

We've tried neurodiverse couples counseling and ASD coaching, and individual therapy too

same route and end game here.

+1

OP there are ASD/neurotypical couple support groups - do a search here and there should be some links - this subject comes up often. Pay no mind to the PPs who try to dismiss your concerns (it is the same moms of ASD who try to shut the conversation down). This is a very real and a very lonely situation. You deserve peace, you deserve a life that is less strife.

Yes those evil moms, insisting that their autistic children are human.

OP get yourself individual therapy. Whatever is going on with your spouse, it will never work to project all your issues onto a diagnosis (real or imagined).

I would imagine that a lot of people with ASD spouses also have a child or children on the spectrum.
It’s possible to realize that your spouse is a human being and want the best for them AND recognize that the marriage/relationship isn’t working.

yeah but the fact is - YOU married this person voluntarily and pro-created with them. It’s just not accurate or mentally healthy to fixate on the notion that “my marriage was ruined by autism!!!” That is both incorrect, and prejudicial. At one point your partnership worked, and now it doesn’t. Can it be repaired or not? Maybe it can’t be. But most likely you have some role, because it used to work.

It’s a completely normal stage of thinking.

There are threads on here saying “my marriage was ruined by x (adultery, addiction, mental illness, low libido, etc.),” and of course it wasn’t. People who aren’t dealing with any of those things have problems too, you would still have issues with your spouse if it weren’t for “x,” and there were probably things that you really liked about your spouse that also led to this behavior.

But blaming all of your issues on one thing is just part of accepting and understanding that thing.
The next step is either divorce or doing something to overcome it. Maybe joining a group or meeting with a therapist to discuss communication strategies.
Then you get this kind of euphoria where you think everything will get better (they call is “pink cloud” in early recovery from alcoholism)
Then you realize that even with your new communication skills, you still have issues just like any other married couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband, but I am so lonely in our marriage.
Recently, we found out that he has ASD, which explains pretty much everything that's been wrong with our 25-year marriage.
I want to stay married, but I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life with this man who is unable to connect emotionally with me.
He's somewhat controlling, and he does gaslight me if I don't call him on it. But he doesn't have rages, and he accepts that he has ASD-1/HFA/Aspergers, whatever you want to call it. He's fairly successful at his job, but he is a workaholic. Work is his only interest. He has no hobbies and almost no friends. He gloms onto my friends.
I feel so lonely and neglected, like a piece of furniture that he sits on when it's convenient for him.
My question: Does anyone have a happy, fulfilling marriage to an ASD/HFA/Aspergers husband?
If so, how? How do you make your marriage work?

OP, sorry you are going through this. I would invite more people to share their stories, and to ignore the crazy PP who is so obviously trying to derail this thread.

You are not alone OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Isn't all the controversy over ABA a little bit related to this? Isn't it about teaching those on the spectrum how to fit into the neurotypical world? My DH had therapy his whole life to address issues that now would probably put him on the spectrum. He never had an actual diagnosis, but, I found out once we were in a committed relationship about his long-time therapy and then did start to see the issues myself. He can maintain a lot of what he has learned over 4 decades, but often, the stress and lack of structure in our home life becomes too much and makes life with him very hard. Sometimes I think if he had just not worked so hard against who he really is, maybe he would have chosen a different path. Not gotten married and had kids. Honestly, it doesn't work for him and in turn, doesn't work for me. I would bet that a lot of women marry guys like this. They're sweet and they want that life, but honestly, it doesn't work for them. My son is just like my husband. His diagnosis has been very fuzzy. Definitely severe ADHD and exec function deficit, and one therapist conurred that likely would fit ASD diagnosis, but that there was no point. He is smart, sweet, and doing well in college, even with a girlfiend of two years. But, honestly, I don't see him handling a life like we have had. If that's what he wants, then of course, I want that for him, but I would worry and anyone he marries should have the full picture before committing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

+1

Bravo. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try everything and then just move on. We're still married but open, and I don't expect him to fulfill any of my needs except financial. Try treating the co-mobidities. DH is medicated for depression and anxiety, and if he wasn't we'd be divorced. Try a CPAP. DH needs a lot of down time when he's not masking so quality sleep is key.

We've tried neurodiverse couples counseling and ASD coaching, and individual therapy too

same route and end game here.

+1

OP there are ASD/neurotypical couple support groups - do a search here and there should be some links - this subject comes up often. Pay no mind to the PPs who try to dismiss your concerns (it is the same moms of ASD who try to shut the conversation down). This is a very real and a very lonely situation. You deserve peace, you deserve a life that is less strife.

Yes those evil moms, insisting that their autistic children are human.

OP get yourself individual therapy. Whatever is going on with your spouse, it will never work to project all your issues onto a diagnosis (real or imagined).

I would imagine that a lot of people with ASD spouses also have a child or children on the spectrum.
It’s possible to realize that your spouse is a human being and want the best for them AND recognize that the marriage/relationship isn’t working.

yeah but the fact is - YOU married this person voluntarily and pro-created with them. It’s just not accurate or mentally healthy to fixate on the notion that “my marriage was ruined by autism!!!” That is both incorrect, and prejudicial. At one point your partnership worked, and now it doesn’t. Can it be repaired or not? Maybe it can’t be. But most likely you have some role, because it used to work.

It’s a completely normal stage of thinking.

There are threads on here saying “my marriage was ruined by x (adultery, addiction, mental illness, low libido, etc.),” and of course it wasn’t. People who aren’t dealing with any of those things have problems too, you would still have issues with your spouse if it weren’t for “x,” and there were probably things that you really liked about your spouse that also led to this behavior.

But blaming all of your issues on one thing is just part of accepting and understanding that thing.
The next step is either divorce or doing something to overcome it. Maybe joining a group or meeting with a therapist to discuss communication strategies.
Then you get this kind of euphoria where you think everything will get better (they call is “pink cloud” in early recovery from alcoholism)
Then you realize that even with your new communication skills, you still have issues just like any other married couple.

What on earth? There are problems and then there are problems. Some problems require distance and/or prison. Some just need a day apart. This post makes no sense to me. Sure anyone can stay married on paper or in their head even if they receive a divorce decree. Just like the asd parent there are people on here that act like divorce is akin to a death sentence. Most people have a limit to what they are willing to live with and we'll if you cross that line it becomes divorce. Everyone has their own line. You should read some of the married threads to see how desperate some people are. John just married his third wife and took all the college savings for their honeymoon but I know deep down he will come back to us some day. Some day being the key words here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

+1

Bravo. This.

It’s amazing you can’t see the inherent contradiction in what you write.

At the moment you start invoking developmental diagnoses, then it becomes fair game to discuss them. You’re not a doctor, OP is not a doctor, and most importantly none of us are OP’s husband’s actual doctor. This is an open forum. If someone is making claims about autism, we can all make claims about autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try everything and then just move on. We're still married but open, and I don't expect him to fulfill any of my needs except financial. Try treating the co-mobidities. DH is medicated for depression and anxiety, and if he wasn't we'd be divorced. Try a CPAP. DH needs a lot of down time when he's not masking so quality sleep is key.

We've tried neurodiverse couples counseling and ASD coaching, and individual therapy too

same route and end game here.

+1

OP there are ASD/neurotypical couple support groups - do a search here and there should be some links - this subject comes up often. Pay no mind to the PPs who try to dismiss your concerns (it is the same moms of ASD who try to shut the conversation down). This is a very real and a very lonely situation. You deserve peace, you deserve a life that is less strife.

Yes those evil moms, insisting that their autistic children are human.

OP get yourself individual therapy. Whatever is going on with your spouse, it will never work to project all your issues onto a diagnosis (real or imagined).

I would imagine that a lot of people with ASD spouses also have a child or children on the spectrum.
It’s possible to realize that your spouse is a human being and want the best for them AND recognize that the marriage/relationship isn’t working.

yeah but the fact is - YOU married this person voluntarily and pro-created with them. It’s just not accurate or mentally healthy to fixate on the notion that “my marriage was ruined by autism!!!” That is both incorrect, and prejudicial. At one point your partnership worked, and now it doesn’t. Can it be repaired or not? Maybe it can’t be. But most likely you have some role, because it used to work.

It’s a completely normal stage of thinking.

There are threads on here saying “my marriage was ruined by x (adultery, addiction, mental illness, low libido, etc.),” and of course it wasn’t. People who aren’t dealing with any of those things have problems too, you would still have issues with your spouse if it weren’t for “x,” and there were probably things that you really liked about your spouse that also led to this behavior.

But blaming all of your issues on one thing is just part of accepting and understanding that thing.
The next step is either divorce or doing something to overcome it. Maybe joining a group or meeting with a therapist to discuss communication strategies.
Then you get this kind of euphoria where you think everything will get better (they call is “pink cloud” in early recovery from alcoholism)
Then you realize that even with your new communication skills, you still have issues just like any other married couple.

^^wise.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

Okay, that all sounds so thoughtful. But here's what you're really saying, whether you realize it or not: Women are demanding to be treated as equals and many men can't deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:how did you date and fall in love with him? surely this isn't a new thing.

This reply sounds like it’s from someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like. Let me explain. The partner can temporarily mask it but then after you’re married, their mask comes off. You begin to realize that something is off but you don’t know what. Then one day it dawns on you what has happened and you’re already 5-20 years into the marriage - probably with children. It is shocking and devastating when put the pieces together because you’re in so deep.

I too am curious how to survive this type of marriage. My spouse, though incredibly successful in the business realm, is so awkward and seems like he’s is another world when he’s home, without the structure of his work. It’s like he has no common sense. Our communication usually doesn’t connect. The kids are embarrassed by his social awkwardness - like him trying to be funny and he’s just not even close to being funny, or him teasing at them like they’re 5 but they’re 20 years old. Ugh.

I don’t think it was “masked.” I also have a child with ASD, and between my memories of my early relationship wit hDH and watching DS, I would say that when we started dating, I was DH’s “special interest.”

He wanted to know everything about me and thought I was incredibly interesting. I was kind of a shy introvert and loved that this guy wanted to spend all of his time at a party (or wherever we went) talking to me. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a big extrovert who introduced me to a lot of different people, but often left me alone. DH seemed amazing.

OP I think there are a lot of ASD parents on this thread trying to dismiss your concerns - when they should be doing exactly the opposite. People know when they live with someone with HFA ASD - it can not be masked (or kept a secret) forever.

I’m an ASD parent here but I am not “dismissing concerns.” I’m dispelling the weird new trend of deciding to call jerk husbands “autistic,” and stereotypes about autistic people as incapable of emotions, empathy, and relationships. As well, PP seems to now even be framing her DH’s *positive* characteristics (being dedicated and attentive) as bad “autistic” features. Look I am sure it is a challenge to be married to a person with autism sometimes, but this thread and its multiple predecessors are trafficking in ugly stereotypes, not being helpful.

As you should and thank you for doing it. I'm honestly sick of these threads and don't know why they are allowed.

NP. “Allowed”?! Why wouldn’t they be allowed? Because your perspective is different? Say your piece and move on. You’ll have people who agree with you and those that don’t. How about it trying to shut down the dialogue just because your perspective is different? Try skipping those threads.

+1

generally advancing negative stereotypes is deletable on DCUM.

So now it’s “advancing negative stereotypes”? Is that the new “misinformation” when someone has a different opinion or dares to question something? Honestly, I think ADHD and ASD and autism are probably way over diagnosed, and I think it’s easy nowadays to point the finger at a spouse’s issues and wrap them up in a clean diagnose. But there are also plenty of people out there who have slipped through an actual diagnosis that have never been treated and perhaps should have been. And they are married to spouses who are starting to question what they’re dealing with. Shutting that dialog down is bullshit. Many of the people on this thread are offering their own experiences. Just because you don’t agree with them doesn’t mean they are stereotyping.

Let me be clear. There are women on here making the impossible claim that their charming, socially adept husbands are actually autistic men masking their whole lives. They do this in order to blame all bad behavior on autism. That is both misleading and a negative stereotype of autism. I have not asked for anything to be deleted; in contrast those women are currently freaking out at having to face the fact that they are in a fantasy world where they project their problems on an imaginary diagnosis.

Let me be clear, as well. You are not in their homes or married to their spouses. Unless you’re going to pop your medical license up on here to show us your medical creds, as well as visit these homes to appropriately diagnose their spouses, you are no better informed than anyone else is on this thread. Stop trying to control the narrative.

+1

Bravo. This.

It’s amazing you can’t see the inherent contradiction in what you write.

At the moment you start invoking developmental diagnoses, then it becomes fair game to discuss them. You’re not a doctor, OP is not a doctor, and most importantly none of us are OP’s husband’s actual doctor. This is an open forum. If someone is making claims about autism, we can all make claims about autism.

Each person knows their own situation and has their iwn doctors.

Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

Okay, that all sounds so thoughtful. But here's what you're really saying, whether you realize it or not: Women are demanding to be treated as equals and many men can't deal with it.

Fact: you don’t know everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?

Wow.

I had to check the date stamp in case I somehow wrote this a year ago.

My HFA spouse does exactly all of the above most of the time, even in vacation. The neglect, the ignoring, the lack of action, the zero talking about anything. He has lost the ability to function with people more than a handful of hours a day. Work gets his best efforts there.

Yes it is a lonely marriage and relationship. Yes the kids are very confused with this push/pull of a father who rarely talks or connects with them and then busts into a clown a few minutes a week when convenient or someone reminds him to acknowledge his kid or something must be done.

We all ignore him and spend time with our other various circles of friends and activities. He’d be a terrible coparent, and can’t get his arms around divorce. However to save his ego and image he’d do whatever his lawyer fought for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure if this is practical advice for the OP or more of a social-anthropologically minded response to some of the PPs but it may be useful to take a moment to familiarize with marriage and kinship patterns from basically any culture and time period pre 20th cent. Once you realize how much we currently require from our marital relationships (lover, friend, domestic laborer, financial provider) it doesn't take much to see how a larger group of people, and certainly those who are not neurotypical, can fail to meet expectations more easily.

In general, contemporary society exacerbates neurodiverse traits which I think is one of the reasons we are seeing an increase in diagnoses. So many things that made life simpler to navigate have disappeared: clearly defined social norms and expectations, clearly defined gender roles, clear lines between work and home life, widespread religious life and the daily/weekly rhythms associated with religious rituals and customs, etc. Some of these things you might say we are better off without but there are always knock-on effects with social change and the fact that we have very few remaining social structures that we all organize our lives by makes life more stressful for the neurodiverse adult. There are no guardrails. We all have to reinvent the wheel of what functional social and homes lives look like and it's harder for those with ASD, and to a lesser extent ADHD, to do this. Adults need role models too and nuclear families are by default siloed off from one another.

Maybe some will read this and say well, we live in the here and now. And I agree that you can't just exit society and live in a world where your ideals about marriage and home life arent impacted by the mainstream culture. But when you take some time to reflect on how our current marriage, kinship and social patterns (ie egalitarian/nuclear family, broken/distant family networks, lack of religious community, etc) are so totally alien from most of human history, it doesn't take much to see that we've created a society that is harder for those who aren't naturals at forming social connections to navigate. We literally have parents on here saying that the world we live in can no longer support someone with ASD having a spouse or kids--the marital expectations are just too demanding. That's been taken away from them. And that's a problem for all of us bc human civilization cannot flourish without the neurodiverse.

Okay, that all sounds so thoughtful. But here's what you're really saying, whether you realize it or not: Women are demanding to be treated as equals and many men can't deal with it.

Um women have autism too.

Autism is not the label for your lazy spouse. I repeat, being a lazy jerk is not in the DSM.