I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.

[Anonymous]

Op - where is your husband's family from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are never going to have a partner that you don’t have to compromise with, or that you will be 100% the same values and see eye to eye with on everyting-jobs, child rearing, in-laws, wedding, etc. most married couples have the same disagreements you have cited wrt in-laws and careers. We find a way through it -that’s what marriage is, it’s NOT about having someone who rescues and supports you 100% the time.

Do you honestly think you are right 100% of the time and he’s always wrong? That’s never the case. Nothing you’ve posted is divorce-worthy, all of it is couples stuff my friends and I complain about and we commiserate. Stop sweating the small stuff and move on with your life focusing on the good things you have!

I’m sorry, but if you divorce over this petty stuff I suspect you will regret it in 5-10 years, maybe that needs to be the painful lesson you learn but it’s sad for your kid you can’t be more mature.

I dont disagree with you!
I will continue with my individual therapist. I have asked him in the past to perhaps find marriage counselor of his choosing for us.
Since the last 2 he refused to keep going after they said things he did not want to hear.
I have a lot of great things in my life. I have so much much to be grateful for, and I am appreciative.
Just being honest, he is the consistent and constant wild card in my life. I am blessed and feel 100% confident and secure about my child, my parents, my friends, my job, my hobbies.
It's my husband that is the source of the most doubt in my life.

No here. But I don't think you do get it. And I don't think you understand that you're not always right and that compromise in marriage works both ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are conditioned to not have boundaries, will never have the courage to build any. You have two options, one to protest and cause him to develop resentment for you or do as expected and develop resentment for him. They have the power to hold your relationship hostage at their whim, even if its not their intention because your husband needs their approval or live in guilt, shame and depression of not doing the role he is destined to do.

It would need lifetime of therapy to find insight and courage to undo that conditioning. Only a very patient, loving, understanding and emotionally strong spouse can survive without developing depression.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are never going to have a partner that you don’t have to compromise with, or that you will be 100% the same values and see eye to eye with on everyting-jobs, child rearing, in-laws, wedding, etc. most married couples have the same disagreements you have cited wrt in-laws and careers. We find a way through it -that’s what marriage is, it’s NOT about having someone who rescues and supports you 100% the time.

Do you honestly think you are right 100% of the time and he’s always wrong? That’s never the case. Nothing you’ve posted is divorce-worthy, all of it is couples stuff my friends and I complain about and we commiserate. Stop sweating the small stuff and move on with your life focusing on the good things you have!

I’m sorry, but if you divorce over this petty stuff I suspect you will regret it in 5-10 years, maybe that needs to be the painful lesson you learn but it’s sad for your kid you can’t be more mature.

I dont disagree with you!
I will continue with my individual therapist. I have asked him in the past to perhaps find marriage counselor of his choosing for us.
Since the last 2 he refused to keep going after they said things he did not want to hear.
I have a lot of great things in my life. I have so much much to be grateful for, and I am appreciative.
Just being honest, he is the consistent and constant wild card in my life. I am blessed and feel 100% confident and secure about my child, my parents, my friends, my job, my hobbies.
It's my husband that is the source of the most doubt in my life.

OP- Have you asked your DH point blank if he considers you & the kids the main family unit?

You say that he "generally backs you up" but refuses to hear ANY criticism of his parents and family? Then how does he back you up? Is it pointed out to him that he needs to be the MOST protective of YOU and the kids?

Do you want to be closer and have a more intimate relationship with DH? I know you feel blocked but I think you need to ultimately understand what he wants as well.

I'd give this more work, therapy and conversation. Some people WANT these things just don't know how to do it and it will take time. They also are not properly putting their parents and family in the proper place because they haven't for so long.
However, if he fundamentally views marriage as not having a true intimate partner in which you have each other's backs, then that is unworkable.

Respectfully this is a very American view of family and marriage. Doesn't mean it's wrong, but doesn't make it right either

[Anonymous]

I have not read all the answers but I still don’t get why is such a big deal if BIL doesn’t want to hold the baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who are conditioned to not have boundaries, will never have the courage to build any. You have two options, one to protest and cause him to develop resentment for you or do as expected and develop resentment for him. They have the power to hold your relationship hostage at their whim, even if its not their intention because your husband needs their approval or live in guilt, shame and depression of not doing the role he is destined to do.

It would need lifetime of therapy to find insight and courage to undo that conditioning. Only a very patient, loving, understanding and emotionally strong spouse can survive without developing depression.

I feel emotional reading this, because I know it is true.
In the past I have tried to practice detaching with love. But that is hard to sustain with a partner.
He has always wanted me to get on board with the family business of no boundaries and always seeking their approval.
He will have fleeting moments when he realizes the dynamic, he will acknowledge it and try and push back on them, usually agst something MIL wants.
If he pushes back, within a few hours or days, one of the siblings will call and berate him. Without fail, he reverses course.
I married a weak man with no spine.

It doesn’t sound like you would tolerate a man with more spine. You realize his spine would go up against you sometimes too? You are already threatening divorce just over him being grumpy about going along with you, much less standing up to you.

Agree with this. She doesn't want a man with more spine. She wants a man who will do what she wants, when she wants it. She wants someone with less spine.

I would bet a lot of money that OP was a bridezilla, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.

This thread is hopeless because so many of you are not bothering read OP's posts beyond the first one, and for that first one, you are all fixating on the BIL-baby example. It was one EXAMPLE she gave and she came back to give others and to set a larger context of the ways in which her DH puts his family of origin ahead of their marriage in her view.

But nope, you all seem to think this is solely about BIL not holding the baby, that one time, two years ago. It's not. But I hope OP has left this thread by now and gotten a therapist to help her look at the dynamic with her DH and his family. Here, no one sees beyond one example they beat to death in post after post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.

This thread is hopeless because so many of you are not bothering read OP's posts beyond the first one, and for that first one, you are all fixating on the BIL-baby example. It was one EXAMPLE she gave and she came back to give others and to set a larger context of the ways in which her DH puts his family of origin ahead of their marriage in her view.

But nope, you all seem to think this is solely about BIL not holding the baby, that one time, two years ago. It's not. But I hope OP has left this thread by now and gotten a therapist to help her look at the dynamic with her DH and his family. Here, no one sees beyond one example they beat to death in post after post.

Apparently you haven’t read it all. She already has a therapist. She stated that the therapist even agreed to help her through a divorce if she decides to have one. none of her examples rise to a serious divorce discussion. She’s using it as a threat to control and punish him because he struggles with her having rejected and alienated his whole family and she perceives this as disloyal.

There are people on this board struggling with the discovery of multi year affairs, drug or alcohol addiction, or even explosive violent outbursts in spouses. Nothing she has said comes anywhere close to those literal marriage-ending problems, and yet she continually argues things like him being unemployed for a year and taking a salary cut are somehow this serious. She’s either wildly immature or a narcissist. Hoping it’s the former. You are doing her no favors. She will face similar obstacles with any other partner who does not wholly submit to her will but will have destroyed her marriage for no good reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.

This thread is hopeless because so many of you are not bothering read OP's posts beyond the first one, and for that first one, you are all fixating on the BIL-baby example. It was one EXAMPLE she gave and she came back to give others and to set a larger context of the ways in which her DH puts his family of origin ahead of their marriage in her view.

But nope, you all seem to think this is solely about BIL not holding the baby, that one time, two years ago. It's not. But I hope OP has left this thread by now and gotten a therapist to help her look at the dynamic with her DH and his family. Here, no one sees beyond one example they beat to death in post after post.

Apparently you haven’t read it all. She already has a therapist. She stated that the therapist even agreed to help her through a divorce if she decides to have one. none of her examples rise to a serious divorce discussion. She’s using it as a threat to control and punish him because he struggles with her having rejected and alienated his whole family and she perceives this as disloyal.

There are people on this board struggling with the discovery of multi year affairs, drug or alcohol addiction, or even explosive violent outbursts in spouses. Nothing she has said comes anywhere close to those literal marriage-ending problems, and yet she continually argues things like him being unemployed for a year and taking a salary cut are somehow this serious. She’s either wildly immature or a narcissist. Hoping it’s the former. You are doing her no favors. She will face similar obstacles with any other partner who does not wholly submit to her will but will have destroyed her marriage for no good reason.

Op here. Interesting you say this, considering dh is the one who threatens me with divorce and reminds me (as recently as this week) that he almost divorced me for being such a b word to his family after the birth of our daughter.

I also have not mentioned addiction issues because I didn’t think I needed to deliver every detail, but yes, that is also a factor. If you must know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.

This thread is hopeless because so many of you are not bothering read OP's posts beyond the first one, and for that first one, you are all fixating on the BIL-baby example. It was one EXAMPLE she gave and she came back to give others and to set a larger context of the ways in which her DH puts his family of origin ahead of their marriage in her view.

But nope, you all seem to think this is solely about BIL not holding the baby, that one time, two years ago. It's not. But I hope OP has left this thread by now and gotten a therapist to help her look at the dynamic with her DH and his family. Here, no one sees beyond one example they beat to death in post after post.

Apparently you haven’t read it all. She already has a therapist. She stated that the therapist even agreed to help her through a divorce if she decides to have one. none of her examples rise to a serious divorce discussion. She’s using it as a threat to control and punish him because he struggles with her having rejected and alienated his whole family and she perceives this as disloyal.

There are people on this board struggling with the discovery of multi year affairs, drug or alcohol addiction, or even explosive violent outbursts in spouses. Nothing she has said comes anywhere close to those literal marriage-ending problems, and yet she continually argues things like him being unemployed for a year and taking a salary cut are somehow this serious. She’s either wildly immature or a narcissist. Hoping it’s the former. You are doing her no favors. She will face similar obstacles with any other partner who does not wholly submit to her will but will have destroyed her marriage for no good reason.

Op here. Interesting you say this, considering dh is the one who threatens me with divorce and reminds me (as recently as this week) that he almost divorced me for being such a b word to his family after the birth of our daughter.

I also have not mentioned addiction issues because I didn’t think I needed to deliver every detail, but yes, that is also a factor. If you must know.

We can only go by the examples you’ve cited. You presumably have chosen the ones you consider severe. I am giving you good news: they are not. We all struggle with these arguments. Many of us have overcome it and come out stronger. Your marriage can overcome these if you truly want to. You can acknowledge that it’s difficult for him that you have rejected his family, even if you don’t like them. You can maybe find one or two members of his family that are not horrible and try to be nice to them. You want him to stop harboring resentments towards you but you are still bitter that he was unemployed for a year, you can forgive him for that, let it go and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.

I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.

This thread is hopeless because so many of you are not bothering read OP's posts beyond the first one, and for that first one, you are all fixating on the BIL-baby example. It was one EXAMPLE she gave and she came back to give others and to set a larger context of the ways in which her DH puts his family of origin ahead of their marriage in her view.

But nope, you all seem to think this is solely about BIL not holding the baby, that one time, two years ago. It's not. But I hope OP has left this thread by now and gotten a therapist to help her look at the dynamic with her DH and his family. Here, no one sees beyond one example they beat to death in post after post.

Apparently you haven’t read it all. She already has a therapist. She stated that the therapist even agreed to help her through a divorce if she decides to have one. none of her examples rise to a serious divorce discussion. She’s using it as a threat to control and punish him because he struggles with her having rejected and alienated his whole family and she perceives this as disloyal.

There are people on this board struggling with the discovery of multi year affairs, drug or alcohol addiction, or even explosive violent outbursts in spouses. Nothing she has said comes anywhere close to those literal marriage-ending problems, and yet she continually argues things like him being unemployed for a year and taking a salary cut are somehow this serious. She’s either wildly immature or a narcissist. Hoping it’s the former. You are doing her no favors. She will face similar obstacles with any other partner who does not wholly submit to her will but will have destroyed her marriage for no good reason.

Op here. Interesting you say this, considering dh is the one who threatens me with divorce and reminds me (as recently as this week) that he almost divorced me for being such a b word to his family after the birth of our daughter.

I also have not mentioned addiction issues because I didn’t think I needed to deliver every detail, but yes, that is also a factor. If you must know.

We can only go by the examples you’ve cited. You presumably have chosen the ones you consider severe. I am giving you good news: they are not. We all struggle with these arguments. Many of us have overcome it and come out stronger. Your marriage can overcome these if you truly want to. You can acknowledge that it’s difficult for him that you have rejected his family, even if you don’t like them. You can maybe find one or two members of his family that are not horrible and try to be nice to them. You want him to stop harboring resentments towards you but you are still bitter that he was unemployed for a year, you can forgive him for that, let it go and move on.

I am close with everyone in his family except for his mother and siblings. I regularly text with his stepfather, aunts and godmother. I send photos of the baby to his cousins. He likes to paint a broad brush and say I’ve distanced myself from his family, when it’s 3 people.

He will not let it go and move on. Just now he came home huffing and puffing upset. I asked what was wrong. “I can’t tell you because it involves my family and a crisis. But know that There’s a huge crisis going on. And I can’t count on your support.”

He then poured a huge glass of wine and went into the bedroom, shutting the door.

I can’t even get worked up about the dramatic outbursts anymore. He wants to throw it in my face that he jsut can’t discuss anything about his family with me. No one can support you if you refuse to share what’s going on, beyond dramatic veiled hints.

Grow up. Enough.

[Anonymous]

It seems his family issues suck all of his energy and he doesn't know how to handle it all AND care for you, baby and the job. You are an easy target because by shifting blame on you, he doesn't have to own his feelings of being trapped in their constant drama. He is likely depressed and confused and desperately needs a therapist to sort himself out or he won't be any good for anyone. Divorce would look like an easy escape to him to release some pressure.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh. I think I read it all but I am struck by what several other posters have mentioned- there are some really bad things mentioned both by his family and his own behavior but interspersed with minor/typical issues. It seems like you hate him so much now that you have really lost perspective and want him to not just respect your boundaries (some reasonable but some honestly not?) but also to hate his family and make dramatic pronouncements that he is choosing you. I wonder if he’s tuning you out because you have lost your sense of proportion? if you dislike and disrespect his family so much it makes sense he can’t talk to you about things. Can you focus a bit more on what you actually want from him? Like not saying he should divorce you. I would be very clear that’s not ok. But stop criticizing his family to him and stop asking him to “admit “ he’s enmeshed or whatever. If you are still upset he isn’t earning as much money as he was and it’s effecting your relationship that’s a conversation that can be had. Not about the year he wasn’t working but about what you need/want from him right now. If you can’t do that you’re out of luck- your marriage sounds full of contempt on both sides and that’s a recipe for disaster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.

Omg OP. Maybe you never had a close family. Family is family whether rude or not. They aren't friends you can pick and choose. DH can't choose who his sibling is. That's his brother! My brother in law is obnoxious, aggressive, and talks sh-- about me. But I take the classy, high road. I am polite. Am I chummy? No. I'm not drawing lines in the sand and demanding my husband cut off family members either. Get a freaking grip. Maybe you were kind, they were rude. Ok. But you need to stop taking things so personally and having black/white thinking and trying to cut off DH from his family. It's not an acquaintance or college buddy here.