I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.

[Anonymous]

You get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

What age are your children, OP?

[Anonymous]

You suck it up and get a divorce. Although I don't see why its such a big deal that his brother didnt want to hold your baby.

[Anonymous]

brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby

That’s a strange boundary. Lots of people have no interest in holding, touching or interacting with babies.

[Anonymous]

I agree you divorce. But plenty of people don’t like holding babies. This isn’t a big deal.

[Anonymous]

You seem a bit dramatic OP

[Anonymous]

Is the brother's reaction due to a difference involving race, religion, ethnicity, political beliefs, or ????

[Anonymous]

Drama!! It’s red flags that you’re so torn up over this. Of course family is important and you don’t outright reject them.

[Anonymous]

I’m really not getting what the family did that was offensive. Is it possible brother didn’t invite you this year because you drew this boundary after the baptism and you have been giving him the cold shoulder? And husband is upset you basically cut off his brother and caused a rift?

Regardless, you guys either need therapy or a divorce or both. There’s some major issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

[Anonymous]

What culture does your husband come from?

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to look within yourself sometimes. What he said/did was truly not wrong. You overreacted because someone did not want to touch YOUR baby. That is crazy. You owe it to your husband to try and maintain a relationship with his family. You did not even try though. I can see trying and then establishing a boundary but you did not do that.

[Anonymous]

You made a mistake marrying each other if you have such different views of what family means. My husband and I are both like your DH. Family is important and we don't bad mouth or engage in drama with the other side of the family. I can complain about my own parents or brother but I wouldn't like it if DH did it. The same goes with his family. I just accept them as they are because they are his family and I should not be the one dictating what their relationship should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

Yes, This. Plenty of people don’t like babies. OP Is a total drama queen. You can tell this from her writing and her (lame) complaint.