I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for you guys to move to another state for a couple of years to focus on your relationship without having to deal with daily family conflict?

[Anonymous]

If family and wife can't get along, what's the solution for him? He is clearly not a capable and rational negotiator.

[Anonymous]

It's obviously not okay for him to abandon his birth family but it seems his baby would end up loosing hers because things seems to be going that way.

It doesn't matter who's fault is bigger, his, his wives or his family's, its the baby who'll be stuck in a toxic atmosphere or a broken home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You get a divorce.

Always count on a Coven member to recommend divorce first, last, and always.

We get it. You’re a misogynist. You don’t need to keep parroting it on every thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems his family issues suck all of his energy and he doesn't know how to handle it all AND care for you, baby and the job. You are an easy target because by shifting blame on you, he doesn't have to own his feelings of being trapped in their constant drama. He is likely depressed and confused and desperately needs a therapist to sort himself out or he won't be any good for anyone. Divorce would look like an easy escape to him to release some pressure.

Wow. I’ve used that exact phrase to him before. I’ve said to him that he has no room or patience left for me after dealing with his family stuff. Because they always come first and take up the most space.

[Anonymous]

What concessions have you made on behalf of your DH in regards to your preference and your family of origin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.

Omg OP. Maybe you never had a close family. Family is family whether rude or not. They aren't friends you can pick and choose. DH can't choose who his sibling is. That's his brother! My brother in law is obnoxious, aggressive, and talks sh-- about me. But I take the classy, high road. I am polite. Am I chummy? No. I'm not drawing lines in the sand and demanding my husband cut off family members either. Get a freaking grip. Maybe you were kind, they were rude. Ok. But you need to stop taking things so personally and having black/white thinking and trying to cut off DH from his family. It's not an acquaintance or college buddy here.

Respectfully, I fundamentally disagree. And this is the crux of issue between me and dh.
I don’t care who you are- a rude person is a rude person. If you are causing friction in my life and a source of stress, it doesn’t matter if you are family. That means a boundary needs to go up. Perhaps I limit my interaction with you a bit.

Allowing someone to disrupt your peace in the name of being related is what perpetuates dysfunctional generational cycles.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you writing each sentence in a seperate line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

So you have demands that he doesn't support regarding his family, and that he goes along with only to keep the peace, but then you also want him to take the fall for it with his family? Wowza. If you don't care for his family, or really care about them or what they think, why do you also need him to say it's his idea, too (when it obviously isn't)?

I think it is important to be a united family front. Especially if its a topic that will be received negatively. For example, Hey mom and siblings, this is what we have decided works for us.
Versus, Hey mom and siblings, this is what Rita says she wants to do, So i'm just letting you know.

But you aren’t united. He doesn’t agree with what you want. He goes along, but he isn’t required to take the fall for what YOU demanded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there is no effort on your part to understand your husband's culture or family values.

It also seems you've been quite nasty in the past to at least brother.


You're going to have to find a way to compromise and realize you don't get your way all the time.

Understand that your husband wanting different things doesn't mean he doesn't support you just different values.

And it really doesn't matter if you are married to him or not because even if you divorce you will have to cooperate and coparent with him.

If you marry a different man you will still have to learn to compromise

This is the crux of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like there is no effort on your part to understand your husband's culture or family values.

It also seems you've been quite nasty in the past to at least brother.


You're going to have to find a way to compromise and realize you don't get your way all the time.

Understand that your husband wanting different things doesn't mean he doesn't support you just different values.

And it really doesn't matter if you are married to him or not because even if you divorce you will have to cooperate and coparent with him.

If you marry a different man you will still have to learn to compromise

Or am I expected to absorb his family's expectations and values?
Brother lamented that a female child of ours would be a b#itch. HELLO. How many of you would want a relationship with someone who said that at a baptism and refused to touch or interact with the baby?

And he randomly said that out of nowhere, and you’d never behaved badly or rudely toward him prior to that? Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP

More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.

True. Probably constant family drama is pushing her over the edge. Mothers with small children are often volatile due to hormones and lack of sleep, additional stress can be too much to handle.

This is all so sexist. Op gave a poor example of the offending behavior but the fact that her dh always sides with his family and never her says everything. She implied that bil has been rude to her many times and he could have humiliated her in front of others wrt her child.

I would consider divorce in this case because your dh is telling you that you are less than everyone else.

Thank you. A good example is MIL coming over to our home and taking pictures off of walls, rearranging furniture. I looked at DH and gave him a signal, basically saying wtf is she doing tell her to stop.
He pulled me aside and said "Why can't you just let her do whatever she wants, if it makes her happy? She's had a tough few years with losing dad. If it brings her some joy, just let her do it."

That sums up the family dynamic. No boundaries. I am supposed to not have my own opinion and just do whatever they want.

OK. They’re terrible. You’re wonderful. That’s what you came here to hear and now you have. Now get a divorce and enjoy spending 50% of the time with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

DP. Is this you above, OP? If so -- I note you say you are currently in individual counseling. What does your counselor say? Do you only vent there, or do you discuss coping strategies?
I'm not actually asking you to report to us strangers what you discuss in counseling. I'm asking, really, if the counseling is helping you make any choices, see anything differently, or develop any specific strategies for coping when he does things that are problematic for you. In short, is the counseling just to vent or is it intended to help you cope day to day and also possibly assess whether to stay or go? Have you told the counselor everything you are telling us here? And if not -- why not, what's holding you back?

I'm sorry he walked out on that appointment. It sounds as if he cannot be open to hearing an objective third party question his relationship with his family of origin. Keep going to YOUR individual counseling, maybe even double down and do more if you need to. But be sure it's actually helping you move forward and cope, not just vent.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

I have an appt this week, and I will be sure to ask her for coping strategies and not just venting space. Thank you for that.

He is not open to hearing anything about his family of origin that is less than praise. And for everyone who jumped on me for using the terms copdependent, enmeshed, groupthink etc. Those terms were introduced to me by BOTH of the couples therapists we tried, As in, after listening to DH talk about his family, defend them without fail, consider their preferences as just as if not more important than OURS, both therapists suggested to him that his family dynamic showed enmeshed patterns. And he pulled the plug after that.

They are giving you their perspective, which you asked for, not “jumping on you.” You react so angrily to anyone who doesn’t blow smoke up your skirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

I mean, the world is full of obnoxious ILs. This board is teeming with stories of entitled, overbearing MILs. For me, your stories would not be grounds for divorce given that your DH generally backs you up.

Have you tried making an effort to compromise with his family, or is it always your way or the highway? It sounds like it's painful for him when you set these strict boundaries as he is losing his family relationships. I think there is a middle ground somewhere

Generally backs me up, but he gives me a hard time about it for months and years to come. So it doesn't feel like making a joint decision or even him agreeing to what I proposed- but rather that he is being dragged against his will.
It's a bad cliche, but all of this conflict started with the wedding. MIL stopped speaking to DH for a month or so because she was upset about not getting her way with wedding guests, etc.
As soon as we got engaged, she and siblings said "Great, we've been on our best behavior. Now we can finally be ourselves!"
I swear on my child I am not making that up.

BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING. You think compromise equals “I get my way.” It’s frankly astonishing to watch you continue to double down.

[Anonymous]

While pursuing divorce, you need to do some work on yourself.
Why did you marry him given all these red flag?

I have been in your shoes and have a good idea of what you are going thru. It won't get any better. Marital dissolution solves a problem you have but THE problem is being a bad picker. That requires a lot of introspection.