Reply to I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

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Reply to "I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?[/quote]

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true.  I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.[/quote]

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?[/quote]

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.[/quote]

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?[/quote]

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.[/quote]

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.
[quote]
Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.[/quote]
[/quote]

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic[/quote]

+1. A loving parent would say, “I do my best to stay committed to this marriage, because I cannot imagine daily life without my child. I realize that, at the end of the day, being with my child every day and giving him a loving home is more important than whether my BIL wants to hold a baby.” This is what normal, non-narcissist parents would say.[/quote]
I can't even begin to understand why somebody would CARE if their BIL wanted to hold the baby. BIL gets to decide if he wants to hold your spawn or not. Not all people are baby people, and you can't make somebody love your kids. You, OP, are so totally off your rocker.[/quote]

This thread is hopeless because so many of you are not bothering read OP's posts beyond the first one, and for that first one, you are all fixating on the BIL-baby example. It was one EXAMPLE she gave and she came back to give others and to set a larger context of the ways in which her DH puts his family of origin ahead of their marriage in her view.

But nope, you all seem to think this is solely about BIL not holding the baby, that one time, two years ago. It's not. But I hope OP has left this thread by now and gotten a therapist to help her look at the dynamic with her DH and his family. Here, no one sees beyond one example they beat to death in post after post.[/quote]

Apparently you haven’t read it all.  She already has a therapist.  She stated that the therapist even agreed to help her through a divorce if she decides to have one.  none of her examples rise to a serious divorce discussion.  She’s using it as a threat to control and punish him because he struggles with her having rejected and alienated his whole family and she perceives this as disloyal.

There are people on this board struggling with the discovery of multi year affairs, drug or alcohol addiction, or even explosive violent outbursts in spouses.  Nothing she has said comes anywhere close to those literal marriage-ending problems, and yet she continually argues things like him being unemployed for a year and taking a salary cut are somehow this serious.  She’s either wildly immature or a narcissist.  Hoping it’s the former.  You are doing her no favors.  She will face similar obstacles with any other partner who does not wholly submit to her will but will have destroyed her marriage for no good reason.  [/quote]

Op here. Interesting you say this, considering dh is the one who threatens me with divorce and reminds me (as recently as this week) that he almost divorced me for being such a b word to his family after the birth of our daughter.

I also have not mentioned addiction issues because I didn’t think I needed to deliver every detail, but yes, that is also a factor. If you must know.[/quote]

We can only go by the examples you’ve cited.  You presumably have chosen the ones you consider severe.  I am giving you good news:  they are not.  We all struggle with these arguments.  Many of us have overcome it and come out stronger.  Your marriage can overcome these if you truly want to.  You can acknowledge that it’s difficult for him that you have rejected his family, even if you don’t like them.  You can maybe find one or two members of his family that are not horrible and try to be nice to them.  You want him to stop harboring resentments towards you but you are still bitter that he was unemployed for a year, you can forgive him for that, let it go and move on.  [/quote]

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