I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

I mean, the world is full of obnoxious ILs. This board is teeming with stories of entitled, overbearing MILs. For me, your stories would not be grounds for divorce given that your DH generally backs you up.

Have you tried making an effort to compromise with his family, or is it always your way or the highway? It sounds like it's painful for him when you set these strict boundaries as he is losing his family relationships. I think there is a middle ground somewhere

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

Well, you know the deal. At this point, you have to live like this or get divorced. While I think you are totally overreacting to small things like not holding the baby, I actually think you have much, much larger issues. You need to focus on them and not get caught up in the weeds of the small stuff. But you know your hsuband has zero interest in doing anything differently. So proceed accordinglyz

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If these are your worst examples, you are not ready to divorce. You likely need a marriage counselor to help you talk through all this.

If my MIL asked me about dinner, when I just had a baby, I would be annoyed beyond belief. But I wouldn’t cut her off.

Families have different norms about hospital stuff. My husband was surprised when I said I didn’t want family in the waiting room while I gave birth. He acquiesced, but it was very surprising to him. I was shocked when his family all came and sat around the hospital for 8 hours while our kid has brain surgery. It was not helpful to me in the slightest, but it meant a lot to my husband. Neither of us was right or wrong.

It sounds like your husband actually does what you want. But then he takes some jabs at you about it. That isn’t cool and that is what you need to work on.

Op here. You are right. He will generally do what I ask re: his family, but then I will hear about it for years later.
It is also very much communicated to his family that this is what I want, not what WE have decided works for us. He is just the messenger.
He reminded me this week that I was a b to his family, and that it was almost a dealbreaker to him and he contemplated leaving me.
I'm not going to be paraded into the town square for a flogging every year for the rest of our lives.

I mean, the world is full of obnoxious ILs. This board is teeming with stories of entitled, overbearing MILs. For me, your stories would not be grounds for divorce given that your DH generally backs you up.

Have you tried making an effort to compromise with his family, or is it always your way or the highway? It sounds like it's painful for him when you set these strict boundaries as he is losing his family relationships. I think there is a middle ground somewhere

Generally backs me up, but he gives me a hard time about it for months and years to come. So it doesn't feel like making a joint decision or even him agreeing to what I proposed- but rather that he is being dragged against his will.
It's a bad cliche, but all of this conflict started with the wedding. MIL stopped speaking to DH for a month or so because she was upset about not getting her way with wedding guests, etc.
As soon as we got engaged, she and siblings said "Great, we've been on our best behavior. Now we can finally be ourselves!"
I swear on my child I am not making that up.

[Anonymous]

Op you are never going to have a partner that you don’t have to compromise with, or that you will be 100% the same values and see eye to eye with on everyting-jobs, child rearing, in-laws, wedding, etc. most married couples have the same disagreements you have cited wrt in-laws and careers. We find a way through it -that’s what marriage is, it’s NOT about having someone who rescues and supports you 100% the time.

Do you honestly think you are right 100% of the time and he’s always wrong? That’s never the case. Nothing you’ve posted is divorce-worthy, all of it is couples stuff my friends and I complain about and we commiserate. Stop sweating the small stuff and move on with your life focusing on the good things you have!

I’m sorry, but if you divorce over this petty stuff I suspect you will regret it in 5-10 years, maybe that needs to be the painful lesson you learn but it’s sad for your kid you can’t be more mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op you are never going to have a partner that you don’t have to compromise with, or that you will be 100% the same values and see eye to eye with on everyting-jobs, child rearing, in-laws, wedding, etc. most married couples have the same disagreements you have cited wrt in-laws and careers. We find a way through it -that’s what marriage is, it’s NOT about having someone who rescues and supports you 100% the time.

Do you honestly think you are right 100% of the time and he’s always wrong? That’s never the case. Nothing you’ve posted is divorce-worthy, all of it is couples stuff my friends and I complain about and we commiserate. Stop sweating the small stuff and move on with your life focusing on the good things you have!

I’m sorry, but if you divorce over this petty stuff I suspect you will regret it in 5-10 years, maybe that needs to be the painful lesson you learn but it’s sad for your kid you can’t be more mature.

I dont disagree with you!
I will continue with my individual therapist. I have asked him in the past to perhaps find marriage counselor of his choosing for us.
Since the last 2 he refused to keep going after they said things he did not want to hear.
I have a lot of great things in my life. I have so much much to be grateful for, and I am appreciative.
Just being honest, he is the consistent and constant wild card in my life. I am blessed and feel 100% confident and secure about my child, my parents, my friends, my job, my hobbies.
It's my husband that is the source of the most doubt in my life.

[Anonymous]

People who are conditioned to not have boundaries, will never have the courage to build any. You have two options, one to protest and cause him to develop resentment for you or do as expected and develop resentment for him. They have the power to hold your relationship hostage at their whim, even if its not their intention because your husband needs their approval or live in guilt, shame and depression of not doing the role he is destined to do.

It would need lifetime of therapy to find insight and courage to undo that conditioning. Only a very patient, loving, understanding and emotionally strong spouse can survive without developing depression.

[Anonymous]

Use birth control and figure out when will be the right time for you to leave. Given everything youve said this just doesn’t seem fixable. Neither of you wants to change and there is a lot of resentment built up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you throw away the card? Come on, we won't tell him.

So back to this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op you are never going to have a partner that you don’t have to compromise with, or that you will be 100% the same values and see eye to eye with on everyting-jobs, child rearing, in-laws, wedding, etc. most married couples have the same disagreements you have cited wrt in-laws and careers. We find a way through it -that’s what marriage is, it’s NOT about having someone who rescues and supports you 100% the time.

Do you honestly think you are right 100% of the time and he’s always wrong? That’s never the case. Nothing you’ve posted is divorce-worthy, all of it is couples stuff my friends and I complain about and we commiserate. Stop sweating the small stuff and move on with your life focusing on the good things you have!

I’m sorry, but if you divorce over this petty stuff I suspect you will regret it in 5-10 years, maybe that needs to be the painful lesson you learn but it’s sad for your kid you can’t be more mature.

I dont disagree with you!
I will continue with my individual therapist. I have asked him in the past to perhaps find marriage counselor of his choosing for us.
Since the last 2 he refused to keep going after they said things he did not want to hear.
I have a lot of great things in my life. I have so much much to be grateful for, and I am appreciative.
Just being honest, he is the consistent and constant wild card in my life. I am blessed and feel 100% confident and secure about my child, my parents, my friends, my job, my hobbies.
It's my husband that is the source of the most doubt in my life.

OP- Have you asked your DH point blank if he considers you & the kids the main family unit?

You say that he "generally backs you up" but refuses to hear ANY criticism of his parents and family? Then how does he back you up? Is it pointed out to him that he needs to be the MOST protective of YOU and the kids?

Do you want to be closer and have a more intimate relationship with DH? I know you feel blocked but I think you need to ultimately understand what he wants as well.

I'd give this more work, therapy and conversation. Some people WANT these things just don't know how to do it and it will take time. They also are not properly putting their parents and family in the proper place because they haven't for so long.
However, if he fundamentally views marriage as not having a true intimate partner in which you have each other's backs, then that is unworkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are conditioned to not have boundaries, will never have the courage to build any. You have two options, one to protest and cause him to develop resentment for you or do as expected and develop resentment for him. They have the power to hold your relationship hostage at their whim, even if its not their intention because your husband needs their approval or live in guilt, shame and depression of not doing the role he is destined to do.

It would need lifetime of therapy to find insight and courage to undo that conditioning. Only a very patient, loving, understanding and emotionally strong spouse can survive without developing depression.

I feel emotional reading this, because I know it is true.
In the past I have tried to practice detaching with love. But that is hard to sustain with a partner.
He has always wanted me to get on board with the family business of no boundaries and always seeking their approval.
He will have fleeting moments when he realizes the dynamic, he will acknowledge it and try and push back on them, usually agst something MIL wants.
If he pushes back, within a few hours or days, one of the siblings will call and berate him. Without fail, he reverses course.
I married a weak man with no spine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who are conditioned to not have boundaries, will never have the courage to build any. You have two options, one to protest and cause him to develop resentment for you or do as expected and develop resentment for him. They have the power to hold your relationship hostage at their whim, even if its not their intention because your husband needs their approval or live in guilt, shame and depression of not doing the role he is destined to do.

It would need lifetime of therapy to find insight and courage to undo that conditioning. Only a very patient, loving, understanding and emotionally strong spouse can survive without developing depression.

I feel emotional reading this, because I know it is true.
In the past I have tried to practice detaching with love. But that is hard to sustain with a partner.
He has always wanted me to get on board with the family business of no boundaries and always seeking their approval.
He will have fleeting moments when he realizes the dynamic, he will acknowledge it and try and push back on them, usually agst something MIL wants.
If he pushes back, within a few hours or days, one of the siblings will call and berate him. Without fail, he reverses course.
I married a weak man with no spine.

It doesn’t sound like you would tolerate a man with more spine. You realize his spine would go up against you sometimes too? You are already threatening divorce just over him being grumpy about going along with you, much less standing up to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

OK? And? So? Get a divorce if BIL not holding your baby is more important to you than tucking your child in every night, which apparently it is. Everyone has priorities; I guess those are yours.

You've barely talked about your child, by the way. How interesting. Do you have zero emotional connection to your child, that you are contemplating divorce because you don't like people you don't even have to see that often?

Annnnnd OP has *still* not mentioned her child and wanting to not risk losing full custody of her child, not once. Her child is totally not a priority. Got. It.

You are very fixated on this. I literally already addressed it.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

Np here. This is not the response . If someone who is emotionally attached to their child. This sounds like someone who's a bit narcissistic