In-laws are mad that we are inviting others to Christmas dinner. How to resolve this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

[Anonymous]

Here’s perspective from the other side:

I’ve had my family disinvited to Thanksgiving at a friend’s house and a 1st birthday party. In both situations we had known each other for 20 years but weren’t best friends or anything. The reason the friends gave was that they were hosting more ILs than expected or that extra family was coming into town. I told them I understood, of course, and made all the right polite remarks, but I’m not friends with those people anymore because it hurt to get told we were welcome until we weren’t. It’s always awkward to be the little family of outsiders that’s invited to another family’s event, but we’re used to that. We’re not used to the discomfort and shame of being told we’re uninvited! Relationships are built on trust and it’s hard to trust people who rescind invitations for major holidays.

If you listen to all of these PPs saying “family first”, that’s fine, OP, just be sure that you really care more about keeping your ILs happy for one day than for the company of your neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

DP: The invitation to the neighbors can’t be rescinded — unless there’s some sort of emergency.

An invitation to someone who “pitches a fit” at any aspect of the event they’ve been invited to, from the guest list to something else that is traditionally arranged by the host, absolutely can be rescinded. I’d just wait for the next complaint, then say that since it sounds like they’d be uncomfortable with things as planned, and no one wants them to be uncomfortable, I’ll have the dinner —as planned — with the other guests, and talk with the complainers later if they’d like to arrange something else. If the in-laws will be staying with the OP, I’d hope that they’d have the grace to apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s perspective from the other side:

I’ve had my family disinvited to Thanksgiving at a friend’s house and a 1st birthday party. In both situations we had known each other for 20 years but weren’t best friends or anything. The reason the friends gave was that they were hosting more ILs than expected or that extra family was coming into town. I told them I understood, of course, and made all the right polite remarks, but I’m not friends with those people anymore because it hurt to get told we were welcome until we weren’t. It’s always awkward to be the little family of outsiders that’s invited to another family’s event, but we’re used to that. We’re not used to the discomfort and shame of being told we’re uninvited! Relationships are built on trust and it’s hard to trust people who rescind invitations for major holidays.

If you listen to all of these PPs saying “family first”, that’s fine, OP, just be sure that you really care more about keeping your ILs happy for one day than for the company of your neighbors.

But did you first tell your friends that you weren't comfortable with the extra family being invited? Because that's what happened here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

OP never invited the in laws under any guise of a small and intimate family Christmas. That’s just flat out false. She told them she would like to host Christmas and that it will be 13 people. She is telling this all to them nearly a month in advance. You are painting a completely false picture here to suggest somehow OP is in the wrong planning the guest list for her own dinner! It’s absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

These things happen. The in-laws are free to bail, but they can't demand that the other guests be kicked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

OP never invited the in laws under any guise of a small and intimate family Christmas. That’s just flat out false. She told them she would like to host Christmas and that it will be 13 people. She is telling this all to them nearly a month in advance. You are painting a completely false picture here to suggest somehow OP is in the wrong planning the guest list for her own dinner! It’s absurd.

Plus it's still going to be a small and intimate family Christmas. The neighbors are just coming for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

These things happen. The in-laws are free to bail, but they can't demand that the other guests be kicked out.

Sure, but the hosts don't get to pat themselves on the back for their wonderful hosting skills at their first Christmas in the new house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

These things happen. The in-laws are free to bail, but they can't demand that the other guests be kicked out.

Sure, but the hosts don't get to pat themselves on the back for their wonderful hosting skills at their first Christmas in the new house.

Of course they can. They reacted well to their guests pitching a hissy fit and opened their home to a family in need. They weren't obligated to keep the guest list set in stone. It's their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s perspective from the other side:

I’ve had my family disinvited to Thanksgiving at a friend’s house and a 1st birthday party. In both situations we had known each other for 20 years but weren’t best friends or anything. The reason the friends gave was that they were hosting more ILs than expected or that extra family was coming into town. I told them I understood, of course, and made all the right polite remarks, but I’m not friends with those people anymore because it hurt to get told we were welcome until we weren’t. It’s always awkward to be the little family of outsiders that’s invited to another family’s event, but we’re used to that. We’re not used to the discomfort and shame of being told we’re uninvited! Relationships are built on trust and it’s hard to trust people who rescind invitations for major holidays.

If you listen to all of these PPs saying “family first”, that’s fine, OP, just be sure that you really care more about keeping your ILs happy for one day than for the company of your neighbors.

But did you first tell your friends that you weren't comfortable with the extra family being invited? Because that's what happened here.

Reading comprehension. I *was* the “extra” family. Not the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s there to resolve? They can either come or not.

Exactly. I wouldn’t disinvite over this, but would immediately step in if they make inappropriate comments (personally I think this is unlikely).

+1. They need to get over themselves.

And, well done, OP, for demonstrating the WWJD lifestyle.

Yes, this is just the spirit to honor thy mother and father according to the Commandments like all good Christians do. Sounds like cafeteria Christianity.

Inviting people to Christmas isn’t dishonoring your mother and father so I don’t even know what point you are trying to make here.

It's pretty obvious. The in-laws have said this plan makes them uncomfortable. And rather than work with them to make them comfortable and keep everyone happy the only acceptable solution is to take a hard stance, tell the in-laws to just stay home, and pat yourself on the back for being such a loving Christian who brags about their charity to others. Who cares about the people who raised the husband after all?

The in-laws can act like grownups for one meal. Or they can make other plans. Their choice.

Yes, make the houseguests uncomfortable. That's the holiday spirit.

The houseguests are making themselves uncomfortable.

A good host makes all their guests comfortable.

Within reason. Better yet, a good host gives all their guests the opportunity to be comfortable. But a good host will not sacrifice the comfort of one guest for the comfort of another. OP's neighbors aren't asking for the inlaws to be disinvited -- the inlaws are declaring that they will not allow themselves to be comfortable if the neighbors are there.

Is the answer to disinvite the in-laws? I thought invites could not be rescinded?

Of course invitations can be rescinded - I'm not the PP that said they couldn't. You shouldn't rescind invitations except in extreme circumstances, but declaring that another guest is unwelcome certainly qualifies. The answer is to inform the in laws that the neighbors are OPs guests, and if they can't treat the neighbors with kindness, or if they truly feel that they cannot enjoy themselves if the neighbors are there, then the in laws should stay home.

The bait and switch is a raw deal for in-laws who made travel plans under the guise of a small and intimate family Christmas.

OP never said this.

It's in the OP. In-laws wanted to know who the extra people were. They were not expecting others at this small gathering.

OP never invited the in laws under any guise of a small and intimate family Christmas. That’s just flat out false. She told them she would like to host Christmas and that it will be 13 people. She is telling this all to them nearly a month in advance. You are painting a completely false picture here to suggest somehow OP is in the wrong planning the guest list for her own dinner! It’s absurd.

Here is what OP actually said, you don't get to make up your own facts:

"I told my in laws today that it will be 13 people for Christmas dinner. They wanted to know where the extra people were coming from"

Where did the in-laws get the idea "extra" people were coming? Clearly the number wasn't 13 before. OP invited the family then added the neighbors after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s perspective from the other side:

I’ve had my family disinvited to Thanksgiving at a friend’s house and a 1st birthday party. In both situations we had known each other for 20 years but weren’t best friends or anything. The reason the friends gave was that they were hosting more ILs than expected or that extra family was coming into town. I told them I understood, of course, and made all the right polite remarks, but I’m not friends with those people anymore because it hurt to get told we were welcome until we weren’t. It’s always awkward to be the little family of outsiders that’s invited to another family’s event, but we’re used to that. We’re not used to the discomfort and shame of being told we’re uninvited! Relationships are built on trust and it’s hard to trust people who rescind invitations for major holidays.

If you listen to all of these PPs saying “family first”, that’s fine, OP, just be sure that you really care more about keeping your ILs happy for one day than for the company of your neighbors.

But did you first tell your friends that you weren't comfortable with the extra family being invited? Because that's what happened here.

Reading comprehension. I *was* the “extra” family. Not the ILs.

Right, but OP's in-laws aren't being booted because there isn't enough room for them after OP decided to invite the neighbors. OP's inlaws are demanding that they disinvite the neighbors because they don't want to deal with non-family at Christmas, and the inlaws may be disinvited as a result. It sounds like your situation was the former, not the latter (which sucks, and I'm sorry).