Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about spending a lot of time or energy on it. It's about a brief acknowledgement that something is happening that shouldn't. That's all.

This does, however, explicitly acknowledge (even though it takes a literal two seconds) that your kid is breaking a social norm. That can be hard to do. It's being vulnerable, it's a blue to the ego for some people, and it can feel like too much to ask when you are already stretched beyond what you can handle--but let's not pretend it takes too much time to do it. It just can make you feel bad, or even worse.

Well there’s the rub. It is *not my job* to explicitly acknowledge my child is breaking a social norm every time. It’s my job to teach my child. And in many scenarios an apology just is not going to be possible or the top of my list of concerns. The fact that you’re dwelling on how “oh, it’s so easy, just do it” indicates you actually have no clue what the task of dealing with behaviors in public and teaching desires behaviors entails.

It's not part of your job to your kid, that's true. It is part of your job as a community member of a civil society, but I also get that you may not be up for holding up your responsibility at that moment. Not snarky, just acknowledging that you are saying you can't.

And if you can't, or won't, then other people will have to carry on. They will.

Nope absolutely not my responsibility to society to apologize for my child! If you’re fixates on SN moms needing to do their duty to society by putting apologizing to strangers over other more urgent parenting needs, well then … seems like your priorities are all wrong. Generally I haven’t worried about apologizing for my kid’s behavior since I first learned that other people don’t care - what they want is your child to go away, or get some sense of justice. My kid’s behaviors actually are not my fault so I no longer apologize for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about spending a lot of time or energy on it. It's about a brief acknowledgement that something is happening that shouldn't. That's all.

This does, however, explicitly acknowledge (even though it takes a literal two seconds) that your kid is breaking a social norm. That can be hard to do. It's being vulnerable, it's a blue to the ego for some people, and it can feel like too much to ask when you are already stretched beyond what you can handle--but let's not pretend it takes too much time to do it. It just can make you feel bad, or even worse.

Well there’s the rub. It is *not my job* to explicitly acknowledge my child is breaking a social norm every time. It’s my job to teach my child. And in many scenarios an apology just is not going to be possible or the top of my list of concerns. The fact that you’re dwelling on how “oh, it’s so easy, just do it” indicates you actually have no clue what the task of dealing with behaviors in public and teaching desires behaviors entails.

It's not part of your job to your kid, that's true. It is part of your job as a community member of a civil society, but I also get that you may not be up for holding up your responsibility at that moment. Not snarky, just acknowledging that you are saying you can't.

And if you can't, or won't, then other people will have to carry on. They will.

Nope absolutely not my responsibility to society to apologize for my child! If you’re fixates on SN moms needing to do their duty to society by putting apologizing to strangers over other more urgent parenting needs, well then … seems like your priorities are all wrong. Generally I haven’t worried about apologizing for my kid’s behavior since I first learned that other people don’t care - what they want is your child to go away, or get some sense of justice. My kid’s behaviors actually are not my fault so I no longer apologize for them.

So no matter what your child did, including push someone over, you wouldn't say a quick "sorry" to them, or is it only when it is bad enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

Again you completely misunderstand the situation. The child is not being taught social skills the way you think. The child is being taught a basic safety/communication behavior- you don’t talk to strangers, and you don’t break into conversations you are not part of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about spending a lot of time or energy on it. It's about a brief acknowledgement that something is happening that shouldn't. That's all.

This does, however, explicitly acknowledge (even though it takes a literal two seconds) that your kid is breaking a social norm. That can be hard to do. It's being vulnerable, it's a blue to the ego for some people, and it can feel like too much to ask when you are already stretched beyond what you can handle--but let's not pretend it takes too much time to do it. It just can make you feel bad, or even worse.

Well there’s the rub. It is *not my job* to explicitly acknowledge my child is breaking a social norm every time. It’s my job to teach my child. And in many scenarios an apology just is not going to be possible or the top of my list of concerns. The fact that you’re dwelling on how “oh, it’s so easy, just do it” indicates you actually have no clue what the task of dealing with behaviors in public and teaching desires behaviors entails.

It's not part of your job to your kid, that's true. It is part of your job as a community member of a civil society, but I also get that you may not be up for holding up your responsibility at that moment. Not snarky, just acknowledging that you are saying you can't.

And if you can't, or won't, then other people will have to carry on. They will.

Nope absolutely not my responsibility to society to apologize for my child! If you’re fixates on SN moms needing to do their duty to society by putting apologizing to strangers over other more urgent parenting needs, well then … seems like your priorities are all wrong. Generally I haven’t worried about apologizing for my kid’s behavior since I first learned that other people don’t care - what they want is your child to go away, or get some sense of justice. My kid’s behaviors actually are not my fault so I no longer apologize for them.

So no matter what your child did, including push someone over, you wouldn't say a quick "sorry" to them, or is it only when it is bad enough?

My focus would be implementing the behavioral plan, correct. Assuming aggressive behavior was a behavior that we were working on. My focus would be on kid getting whatever immediate consequence had been planned and delivering the command in a way kid complies with.

[Anonymous]

I get your focus is elsewhere. I now also understand that if your child were to physically assault someone, or even just knock an elder over accidentally, you will not have even a split second to say "sorry" to them. Understood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

Again you completely misunderstand the situation. The child is not being taught social skills the way you think. The child is being taught a basic safety/communication behavior- you don’t talk to strangers, and you don’t break into conversations you are not part of.

No, not really. OP described a DC who would correct other people, even including strangers in a public setting. You think that OP should be teaching Stranger Danger while other posters think that OP should teach her DC not to correct others, that it's ok when someone is wrong or misinformed and they don't need to be corrected.

Maybe the DC is also rigid and/or oppositional but those are other issues. OP has been very focused on what to say to the interrupted person and that question only. She can apologize, she can explain or give out her DC's diagnosis, or she can say nothing. So some of us are responding to that question, while we also discuss other issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your focus is elsewhere. I now also understand that if your child were to physically assault someone, or even just knock an elder over accidentally, you will not have even a split second to say "sorry" to them. Understood.

Maybe try understanding what I am trying to tell you about the work of dealing with autism and child behavioral interventions? Did you understand at all what I was trying to explain - that often parents are working with specific plans and advice from therapists that require a really specific type of focus in that moment.

no you don’t get it, and don’t want to. all you see is the kid “breaking a social norm” and you want to make damn well sure they are properly chastised.

Meanwhile my job as a mother is to do the things that teach my kid the behavior he needs to be successful and safe in the long term. So no, my focus is not anything other than that job in that moment.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I got it. Best wishes to you and your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

Again you completely misunderstand the situation. The child is not being taught social skills the way you think. The child is being taught a basic safety/communication behavior- you don’t talk to strangers, and you don’t break into conversations you are not part of.

No, not really. OP described a DC who would correct other people, even including strangers in a public setting. You think that OP should be teaching Stranger Danger while other posters think that OP should teach her DC not to correct others, that it's ok when someone is wrong or misinformed and they don't need to be corrected.

Maybe the DC is also rigid and/or oppositional but those are other issues. OP has been very focused on what to say to the interrupted person and that question only. She can apologize, she can explain or give out her DC's diagnosis, or she can say nothing. So some of us are responding to that question, while we also discuss other issues.

Learning not to make a beeline to strangers and interrupt them actually is important safety and basic being-in-public behavior. That’s what Op’s focus needs to be on, yes. That’s an undesired behavior that needs to be addressed. Everything else (conversation skills, correcting people) comes later.

[Anonymous]

how is saying sorry real quick the same as chastising the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

Some of us absolutely have and manage the quick “Sorry!” anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

Well stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

Again you completely misunderstand the situation. The child is not being taught social skills the way you think. The child is being taught a basic safety/communication behavior- you don’t talk to strangers, and you don’t break into conversations you are not part of.

No, not really. OP described a DC who would correct other people, even including strangers in a public setting. You think that OP should be teaching Stranger Danger while other posters think that OP should teach her DC not to correct others, that it's ok when someone is wrong or misinformed and they don't need to be corrected.

Maybe the DC is also rigid and/or oppositional but those are other issues. OP has been very focused on what to say to the interrupted person and that question only. She can apologize, she can explain or give out her DC's diagnosis, or she can say nothing. So some of us are responding to that question, while we also discuss other issues.

Learning not to make a beeline to strangers and interrupt them actually is important safety and basic being-in-public behavior. That’s what Op’s focus needs to be on, yes. That’s an undesired behavior that needs to be addressed. Everything else (conversation skills, correcting people) comes later.

Teaching the little professor that someone can be wrong and that it's ok is important. Teaching Stranger Danger is years out of date.

And modeling polite social interactions with other people is also important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your focus is elsewhere. I now also understand that if your child were to physically assault someone, or even just knock an elder over accidentally, you will not have even a split second to say "sorry" to them. Understood.

Sorry just doesn't seem to be in some people's vocabulary. I wonder how many other social cues and norms are missed by these same people. No wonder this is all so very hard for them.