Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

DP. I think a quick Sorry is a part of the teaching process. It's modeling appropriate social behavior - and kids with ASD may not be as adept at learning from modeling but it's something they can do, especially if motivated. The DD probably won't get it right away but years later it might start to make sense to her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

DP. I think a quick Sorry is a part of the teaching process. It's modeling appropriate social behavior - and kids with ASD may not be as adept at learning from modeling but it's something they can do, especially if motivated. The DD probably won't get it right away but years later it might start to make sense to her.

+1

Yep you give a quick apology and then as you walk away you have a teachable moment: "Larla, did you see me apologize to that lady? Why do you think I did that? .........."

[Anonymous]

Op- to the narrower question of whether to mention your child’s diagnosis in tense social situation, I have found that in situations where my asd son’s actions are visibly angering or irritating a stranger, mentioning that he is on the spectrum visibly reduces the stranger’s anger.
(Yes, I always address it with child as quickly as possible, he does 20 hours of behavioral therapy a week, I am not even what you would call a super positive fluffy few-good parent) but yeah.. you can’t predict every situation ahead of time and sometimes he is *so fixated* on desired outcome/object/topic ANd he seems high functioning enough that it helps to explain the situation lest a stranger’s irritation inflame the situation. But it is relatively rare that I think the situation gets tot hat point.

Ps: I’ve also shared the diagnosis with people who *insist* that his behavior is ok and I should stop trying to modify it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

You just don't seem to get it. People aren't really bothered by the 6 yr old, but they will be wondering where her parents are and why they aren't keeping an eye on her. What may be mildly cute at this age will get stale real fast in a short few years. The parents may thing their "Little Professor" is adorable but not many other people will not. When you finally do come wrangle the kid away from the unsuspecting strangers a quick sorry will go a long way.

YOU don’t get it. Yes, my job is to teach my child not to interrupt/speak to strangers. But apologizing to strangers for my child is not my job. It is actually counterproductive for me to dwell on my own feelings of embarrassment instead of focusing on how I want to teach my child in the moment. I KNOW the world at large will judge my kid (no matter how successful I am at teaching him some skills). So, apologizing for my kid is farrrr down my list of priorities.

You are not the right person to teach your child manners, for obvious reasons. Hopefully there are other people who can help them be successful in society. Sorry is a very simple word. You should try it sometime. Even an old dog like you can learn new tricks, you just have to learn to be less obstinate and difficult, if possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

A quick “Sorry!” does not take much energy, pp, but goes a long way to defuse the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

You just don't seem to get it. People aren't really bothered by the 6 yr old, but they will be wondering where her parents are and why they aren't keeping an eye on her. What may be mildly cute at this age will get stale real fast in a short few years. The parents may thing their "Little Professor" is adorable but not many other people will not. When you finally do come wrangle the kid away from the unsuspecting strangers a quick sorry will go a long way.

YOU don’t get it. Yes, my job is to teach my child not to interrupt/speak to strangers. But apologizing to strangers for my child is not my job. It is actually counterproductive for me to dwell on my own feelings of embarrassment instead of focusing on how I want to teach my child in the moment. I KNOW the world at large will judge my kid (no matter how successful I am at teaching him some skills). So, apologizing for my kid is farrrr down my list of priorities.

You might be misunderstanding the suggestions. No one is commenting on whether to “dwell” on your own feelings. A quick sorry is the socially appropriate response and you are trying to get your kid to the right response.

[Anonymous]

It's not about spending a lot of time or energy on it. It's about a brief acknowledgement that something is happening that shouldn't. That's all.

This does, however, explicitly acknowledge (even though it takes a literal two seconds) that your kid is breaking a social norm. That can be hard to do. It's being vulnerable, it's a blue to the ego for some people, and it can feel like too much to ask when you are already stretched beyond what you can handle--but let's not pretend it takes too much time to do it. It just can make you feel bad, or even worse.

[Anonymous]

(blow to the ego)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

You just don't seem to get it. People aren't really bothered by the 6 yr old, but they will be wondering where her parents are and why they aren't keeping an eye on her. What may be mildly cute at this age will get stale real fast in a short few years. The parents may thing their "Little Professor" is adorable but not many other people will not. When you finally do come wrangle the kid away from the unsuspecting strangers a quick sorry will go a long way.

YOU don’t get it. Yes, my job is to teach my child not to interrupt/speak to strangers. But apologizing to strangers for my child is not my job. It is actually counterproductive for me to dwell on my own feelings of embarrassment instead of focusing on how I want to teach my child in the moment. I KNOW the world at large will judge my kid (no matter how successful I am at teaching him some skills). So, apologizing for my kid is farrrr down my list of priorities.

Are you someone who has trouble apologizing OP? Your behavior is modeling appropriate behavior for your child. This is all a lesson for your child. Your child sees you apologizing, and will hopefully over time learn to do it herself when appropriate. Apologizing when warranted is a life skills to function in society.

Oh ffs. Nobody said that the child should never learn to apologize. It’s just, that’s not the lesson that needs to be taught here. I get it, your #1 concern is to make sure that the child’s mistake is appropriately called out. That is a motivation that has little to do with actual teaching the correct behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything. They have no right to private medical information about your kid. The only time this might make sense is if there is some kind of potential for law enforcement to be involved if there is a giant meltdown. But generally for a 6 year old, a meltdown is not going to be mistaken for dangerous aggression.

I have a kid with Autism and to me it is isn't a private medical condition. It is just a fact and could help others understand. Would you hide that fact that your kid is blind if they bump into you? No. Autism is just one part of your dd's and isn't the whole part of her.

No, it’s not something to deploy to excuse your child’s behavior that you’re not making any effort to change. How do you think that will eventually sound to your kid?

Not as an excuse but an explanation while you work on this. Btw, my dd would never had done this. So my tip is just general advice

What a stupid comment but thanks for letting us know “btw” that your kid would never have done this.

Pp you are a sad and bitter person. I was just explaining I don't have personal experience but that does not mean my kid didn't their own challenges. Again, your comment was super unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not about spending a lot of time or energy on it. It's about a brief acknowledgement that something is happening that shouldn't. That's all.

This does, however, explicitly acknowledge (even though it takes a literal two seconds) that your kid is breaking a social norm. That can be hard to do. It's being vulnerable, it's a blue to the ego for some people, and it can feel like too much to ask when you are already stretched beyond what you can handle--but let's not pretend it takes too much time to do it. It just can make you feel bad, or even worse.

Well there’s the rub. It is *not my job* to explicitly acknowledge my child is breaking a social norm every time. It’s my job to teach my child. And in many scenarios an apology just is not going to be possible or the top of my list of concerns. The fact that you’re dwelling on how “oh, it’s so easy, just do it” indicates you actually have no clue what the task of dealing with behaviors in public and teaching desires behaviors entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about spending a lot of time or energy on it. It's about a brief acknowledgement that something is happening that shouldn't. That's all.

This does, however, explicitly acknowledge (even though it takes a literal two seconds) that your kid is breaking a social norm. That can be hard to do. It's being vulnerable, it's a blue to the ego for some people, and it can feel like too much to ask when you are already stretched beyond what you can handle--but let's not pretend it takes too much time to do it. It just can make you feel bad, or even worse.

Well there’s the rub. It is *not my job* to explicitly acknowledge my child is breaking a social norm every time. It’s my job to teach my child. And in many scenarios an apology just is not going to be possible or the top of my list of concerns. The fact that you’re dwelling on how “oh, it’s so easy, just do it” indicates you actually have no clue what the task of dealing with behaviors in public and teaching desires behaviors entails.

It's not part of your job to your kid, that's true. It is part of your job as a community member of a civil society, but I also get that you may not be up for holding up your responsibility at that moment. Not snarky, just acknowledging that you are saying you can't.

And if you can't, or won't, then other people will have to carry on. They will.