BIL offered our vacation home to his brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would love OP to set the stage of how all this went down, line by line. Like did you first notice a strange car in the driveway? Did you discover them swimming in your pool and had to ask who they were? Did you consider calling the cops rather than approaching since you weren't sure who it was? What were the first words spoken? Sounds like a scene from a movie that I really want to see.

Same. I just cannot get past how this went down.

There is a movie like this. Summer Rental with John Candy. John and his family are in a house when the owners show up because there is a mixup over Beach Lane vs Beach Road so they have to quickly vacate while the owners wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?

Oh, yes, I am also not White. Thank God!! Cannot get over all the actors in this drama.

We would have never been in such a position in the first place with our beach property, and everyone in our extended family and friends group would have known our expectation with letting them have access to it.

[Anonymous]

Someone (OP or her husband) should speak to BIL directly. Change the codes and either don't give them out or change them after each agreed upon visit. And, then just try to move on. It was ridiculous behavior but not worth blowing up family over-particularly because you can make sure it never happens again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would point blank ask "how many times have you given access to our property to someone else?"

I would also 100% cancel labor day weekend and tell them they're no longer allowed access to your home when you're not there. This is a huge breach of trust and you just have no idea if they've done this before or not.

This! And I bet they would lie through their teeth. No way is this the 1st time and they got caught on 1st time. They are entitled users/takers. I would also not invite them back again and definitely cancel Labor Day with them. Losers!

[Anonymous]

It's hard to fathom that they wanted to spend a weekend on a screened in porch. They knew they weren't really invited.

Years ago when looking for a house, spouse and I were touring a house Fairfax Station that had a pool. It was a weekend and the house had moderate traffic. As we walked thru with our realtor there was a family hanging around who were all in swim gear. The dad was being rude and trying to push people out. He would engage people walking thru and trash talk the house. The dad complained to us they wanted to swim but didn't feel like they could with the people there. Eventually they just got in the pool. Our realtor hung around trying to find the homeowner's realtor who apparently had left the house. We were there when the realtor showed up and threw the people out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?

Oh, yes, I am also not White. Thank God!! Cannot get over all the actors in this drama.

We would have never been in such a position in the first place with our beach property, and everyone in our extended family and friends group would have known our expectation with letting them have access to it.

Is there anyone who legitimately thinks that someone letting you use their beach house entitles you to invite other people without permission or even notification? Like, are there people for whom the expectation that you don't invite random people to your in-law's beach house needs to be spelled out? Because I have no idea how the in-laws thought this was remotely okay. In fact, they almost certainly knew it wasn't, which is why they didn't mention it to OP and her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?

Oh, yes, I am also not White. Thank God!! Cannot get over all the actors in this drama.

We would have never been in such a position in the first place with our beach property, and everyone in our extended family and friends group would have known our expectation with letting them have access to it.

What makes you think they wouldn't take advantage of you anyway? Also there is more of an issue with keycodes than keys. People seem to share keycodes too easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked there are people justifying IL behavior. Outrageous. And so sneaky

A PP was right, they have shown their colors in other ways. Sketch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP: I know this sounds wimpy but one thing I really dislike about this whole situation is that before now we felt ‘effortlessly generous’ in offering SIL use of the house. Because it’s so close we use it a lot all year but when we definitely know when we won’t be out we’ve let them know it’s open to them (like we had other plans for the end of June of through the 4th of July and had told them back in the spring to use if they liked. They know we were there the next weekend (7/8) so it wasn’t open-ended. And they’ve been seemingly great and leave nice things in pantry, wines, etc. My DH says he (BIL) obviously knew it was a bit sketchy so only offered porch and pool house, not house. It’s just so ballsy I guess that he just decided HE had right to offer.

Yeah, moving forward the house will be empty when you are not there. You can have them there for Labor Day because you will be there. But for a long while, they will not have access when you are not present. No code. No nothing. THAT is an appropriate consequence.

And you don’t have to make a big pronouncement. Just never say when you won’t be there. If they ever have the balls to ask if they can use it, you simply respond with, “No, that’s not possible.”

I agree with both of these PPs. And Labor Day is still more than a month away, so there is some break. I’d want to keep that for the kids, and also I think you should have enough time to add cameras by then, I’m sure so SIL and DH will notice and know why you’re doing it.

Separately, I’m not sure what the access is like but it sounds like they were able to access the yard, pool, porch, and pool house without entering the main house. I’d look into what additional locks or security features you can add to that exterior access. I’m thinking from a liability perspective here - you’ll want to make some upgrades and document those changes so if there ever is an incident you have some evidence that after you found out about unauthorized access you took additional steps to restrict access.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.