BIL offered our vacation home to his brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again: Family is huge to us so navigating how to handle this so that we feel comfortable with is our guide. As we left this morning we closed up with all new codes and will probably add cameras. DH is going to talk to his sister and our working plan is we’re still doing LDW. Not only are cousins close (our daughters are best friends, talk about rooming together when they get to college) and end of summer tradition is something we like too. Hopefully DH/his sister talk goes well, air is cleared - but I am staying out of that!!.

To clarify-the family who was there when we arrived clearly didn’t expect us to be showing up and started making those dramatic motions of packing up while at same time doing that pause, waiting for us to say please stay. Again-despite it being a second home w/pool, pool house - this isn’t a big place and so it would have been majorly uncomfortable with unknowns being there too so any suggestion we let them stay-urgh no!! Pool has automatic cover and the controls are inside locked pool house.
Also SIL family/we are basically same financially and we’re not new money - just making it through like most people. We pretty much lucked into making decision early in marriage to buy this place (still in apartment when we got it.)

So the “guests” had to enter the pool house to open the pool cover? Definitely nervy and possibly dangerous.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're willing, let us know how your husband's follow-up with his sister went. I can't imagine ever doing what she and her husband did, but I'd like to think that if I did and I got caught, I'd fall all over myself with apologies and try and do things to make amends. Something tells me sister is going to continue to blow it off as if it was some reasonable misunderstanding. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Would love OP to set the stage of how all this went down, line by line. Like did you first notice a strange car in the driveway? Did you discover them swimming in your pool and had to ask who they were? Did you consider calling the cops rather than approaching since you weren't sure who it was? What were the first words spoken? Sounds like a scene from a movie that I really want to see.

[Anonymous]

I bet anything BIL is going to act more petulant and aggrieved than anyone in this situation because in his mind he looked like a grifter to his brother.

[Anonymous]

What will be most telling is how sil and bil respond to this going forward. A mature adult would sincerely apologize and not be angry at op and her spouse if their open invitation to the house is rescinded. It would have helped a lot if bil had contacted op and spouse himself and sincerely apologized. It's telling that they did not. We know that they are entitled.

There are too many immature people who ruin relationships by not acknowledging their actions that sabotage the relationship. People who make themselves the victim after doing something wrong ruin relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would point blank ask "how many times have you given access to our property to someone else?"

I would also 100% cancel labor day weekend and tell them they're no longer allowed access to your home when you're not there. This is a huge breach of trust and you just have no idea if they've done this before or not.

THIS.

Also, since it's your DH's sister, I would follow his lead on this. If he wants to disinvite them from LDW, then you should honor his wishes. It's his family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I assume your children were with you when you arrived at your vaca home that day. So does that mean they are privy to all the angst about the situation and that their aunt and uncle did a rude thing? Considering the cousins are best buds, I would encourage you to be careful how all this is communicated or handled...it could unintentionally lead to issues with the girls' friendship.

[Anonymous]

I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

[Anonymous]

If it were me I would cancel the weekend because you are probably going to get MORE angry and they will get MORE nonchalant and that will lead to bad feelings all around. Obviously change codes “for security reasons” which are actually very real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 13:40 and 13:42 poster.

To SIL:

"Our homeowners insurance does not allow company at the house without our authorization due to the liability of the pool"

I disagree - this suggests that but for the insurance issue, it would be ok with OP for SIL and BIL to share OP's house with their family and friends.

To SIL: "Sharing our house, our personal space with your husband's family without our knowledge or consent was a serious breach of trust. We are very upset with you and your DH and need some space, so Labor Day weekend is off."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d now wonder how many other times they did this and you just never found out. There’s no way I could be over this by Labor Day. Ask another family with kids to join you for the weekend.

Same. I truly wouldn’t be over this so quickly. Kids are welcome, parents are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love OP to set the stage of how all this went down, line by line. Like did you first notice a strange car in the driveway? Did you discover them swimming in your pool and had to ask who they were? Did you consider calling the cops rather than approaching since you weren't sure who it was? What were the first words spoken? Sounds like a scene from a movie that I really want to see.

Same. I just cannot get past how this went down.

[Anonymous]

God, this is such a storm in a teacup! Don't create unnecessary drama and stop giving your house keys to relatives.

For me personally, they gave the access to the BIL's brother and while it is not kosher but I would not be wasting more brainspace than necessary. At least, they were not renting the space out.

It gives OP an opportunity to change codes etc, and disallow people from using the property again. But, all the anger about not letting the families come together for vacation etc is so trashy.

[Anonymous]

I can understand this as we had a beach house for many years. We had to tell people they couldn’t camp on the empty lot next door!
OP I don’t think this LDW is going to go well. You are doing it because of the cousins. But it’s only going to put the cousins in the middle and solidify that what they did was somehow ok.