BIL offered our vacation home to his brother

[Anonymous]

Yep, install cameras before Labor Day weekend, and make sure you change the codes after you give it to them for the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.

That will show them. I bet if they don’t have access anymore then they will cut off op. Because they are takers and see nothing wrong with their behavior. So the estrangement happens anyway. See how that works.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP..did you ask in-laws how many times before this have they gave people access to your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.

That will show them. I bet if they don’t have access anymore then they will cut off op. Because they are takers and see nothing wrong with their behavior. So the estrangement happens anyway. See how that works.

NP but no, there is no reason to think this is what will happen.

[Anonymous]

I'd cancel Labor Day because it would be impossible for me to enjoy the weekend. I'd still have disappointment/ anger. And I'm sure OP pays through the nose for taxes, upkeep, mortgage, etc.... so I say enjoy your Labor Day weekend, resentment free. You can go back to LDW plans next year when there's a bit more time & distance between the event.

[Anonymous]

If you invite them for Labor Day just make sure all the cameras are installed so that they can witness for themselves the actions you have taken. They'll know it's because of them. And never offer the house again. If they are so bold as to presume to ask, just be ready to say, "So it's not available." No more explanation. Don't say you will be using it. Just say "not available at that time." No "sorry".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd cancel Labor Day because it would be impossible for me to enjoy the weekend. I'd still have disappointment/ anger. And I'm sure OP pays through the nose for taxes, upkeep, mortgage, etc.... so I say enjoy your Labor Day weekend, resentment free. You can go back to LDW plans next year when there's a bit more time & distance between the event.

Eventually you have to deal with the resentment and anger. For me, I wouldn’t cancel LDW because I’d want to move past this and skipping would prolong the awkwardness. Not suggesting this wasn’t a huge violation - I have a beach house and I’d be pretty horrified in OPs shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.

+1 this is exactly the approach I’d take.

They have lost the right to use the home without op there. No exceptions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you invite them for Labor Day just make sure all the cameras are installed so that they can witness for themselves the actions you have taken. They'll know it's because of them. And never offer the house again. If they are so bold as to presume to ask, just be ready to say, "So it's not available." No more explanation. Don't say you will be using it. Just say "not available at that time." No "sorry".

Oh they will ask again for sure. Especially if they are allowed to come for Labor Day. When later refused they will act confused and op will be the bad guy. Classic dysfunctional boundary challenged behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.

That will show them. I bet if they don’t have access anymore then they will cut off op. Because they are takers and see nothing wrong with their behavior. So the estrangement happens anyway. See how that works.

NP but no, there is no reason to think this is what will happen.

NP? Sure you are pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you invite them for Labor Day just make sure all the cameras are installed so that they can witness for themselves the actions you have taken. They'll know it's because of them. And never offer the house again. If they are so bold as to presume to ask, just be ready to say, "So it's not available." No more explanation. Don't say you will be using it. Just say "not available at that time." No "sorry".

Oh they will ask again for sure. Especially if they are allowed to come for Labor Day. When later refused they will act confused and op will be the bad guy. Classic dysfunctional boundary challenged behavior.

Sure. And then it's just never available. And everything is totally locked up in case they try to just show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.

That will show them. I bet if they don’t have access anymore then they will cut off op. Because they are takers and see nothing wrong with their behavior. So the estrangement happens anyway. See how that works.

NP but no, there is no reason to think this is what will happen.

NP? Sure you are pp.

I wrote the previous comment, and not the second one. People on this site are so stupid. Like there can't be more than person who disagrees with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you invite them for Labor Day just make sure all the cameras are installed so that they can witness for themselves the actions you have taken. They'll know it's because of them. And never offer the house again. If they are so bold as to presume to ask, just be ready to say, "So it's not available." No more explanation. Don't say you will be using it. Just say "not available at that time." No "sorry".

Oh they will ask again for sure. Especially if they are allowed to come for Labor Day. When later refused they will act confused and op will be the bad guy. Classic dysfunctional boundary challenged behavior.

Sure. And then it's just never available. And everything is totally locked up in case they try to just show up.

Then op will be cut-off (estranged) from BIL as they are no longer any use to them. So she should just cancel Labor Day and be done with. People like this don’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go radio silent with SIL and BIL for about a year.

That would kill op's daughter's relationship with her cousin. It would be good for op's kids to preserve the relationship.

Too bad.

I understand why you, PP, would chose that path, but OP has already said that family is important and maintaining the friendship between the cousins is priority.

But Why?? Being family does not mean you have to put up with being taken advantage of. This is teaching the kids to be pleasers and steam-rolled in life. Not good.

well, not everyone is so emotionally immature that they have to go scorched earth after some sort of temporary crisis. lots of grownups know that there aren't only two outcomes (to be a doormat or estrangement)...there's lots of gray area.

So you are emotionally immature if you don’t allow in-laws to take advantage of you. Got it. Yes it is easier to just go along and not challenge ill behavior…if you are a dysfunctional family. Don’t rock that boat! Stay in your gray area.

Way to completely miss the point. There is a middle ground between being a doormat and a full-blown estrangement. If I were OP and cared about the cousins' relationship, I'd go head with LDW, but my in-laws would never be allowed to use the beach house again without me there. New codes, locks on everything, and no more invitations to use the place on their own.

That will show them. I bet if they don’t have access anymore then they will cut off op. Because they are takers and see nothing wrong with their behavior. So the estrangement happens anyway. See how that works.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. That is some crazy nonsense. Did your husband’s sister know? I’m kinda with your husband right now: no visit over Labor Day. The BIL needs to acknowledge what a serious violation of trust this was. Until that happens, they need a break. Your kids will be fine.

This is my vote. And you can offer to just take the cousins? But that would be hostile, I admit.