S/O: Dud children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My "dud" child works 10 times as hard as the average smart kid to achieve the same thing. He is twice exceptional, meaning he is gifted but also learning disordered, with a few medical diagnoses to round it all off. He has an IEP and 100% extra time. Extraordinarily slow processing speed. Various weird quirks. Lethal allergies.

He needs so much hand-holding in all matters of practical life.
Yet he has a high IQ and he's intellectually curious and decidedly academic. He knows exactly what he wants to do but has difficulty executing it.

It turns out my dud child, is not a dud. He is mentally resilient, and has learned to persist despite immense odds, starting from an accident at birth.

So he's a hero.

But people on this board will happily wave all kids with special needs into the "also-ran" category, and excoriate all families of youngsters with "invisible" special needs, because "we're coddling our kids", and we should "let them make their own mistakes", and because of us this "snowflake generation is completely incapacitated".

Once you shut out the noise of the ignorant masses, and focus on who your children really are, I don't think any of them will turn out to be duds. But you have to be observant, and compassionate, and never let them off the work ethic hook because of their needs. Know their potential, their strengths and weaknesses, and adjust expectations. Provide everything that they need to succeed. Teach them to advocate for themselves. Help them find what they're good at.

There are no duds in my family. Just variously functional people with labels like HFA or ADHD or anxiety. Some of those same people also have labels like MD and PhD, so we know that some labels are not incompatible with each other.

I think my point is: know yourself. Know your kids. Self-awareness is the greatest gift.

One of the few good posts here. Same as every thread on this forum, but this basically highlights how 90% of you are toxic, but 10% of posters, like the above, are compassionate, well adjusted, any genuinely happy and wise seeming human beings.

Sorry, no. This is not what this thread is about. Working ten times harder than someone else is the exact opposite of a dud. Also being an MD or a PhD is not a dud. I have no idea why that PP even responded to this thread -- to call attention to her entire family NOT having any "duds"?

Some people are duds. That's what this thread is about.

Umm I'm pretty sure the reason Jesus was crucified was to teach that every single person is a child of Gid.

Jesus (Josh to his friends) abandoned a promising carpentry business at 30 to wander around with a bunch of unemployed dudes shooting off his mouth and causing trouble. Then at 33 he left and moved back into his dad's house, where's he been ever since. The ultimate DCUM dud?

He also snuck alcohol over to his friends' houses, and spent his time surfing but couldn't even afford a board.

And failure to launch? Mother Earth kicked him out, and he came back home 3 days later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My "dud" child works 10 times as hard as the average smart kid to achieve the same thing. He is twice exceptional, meaning he is gifted but also learning disordered, with a few medical diagnoses to round it all off. He has an IEP and 100% extra time. Extraordinarily slow processing speed. Various weird quirks. Lethal allergies.

He needs so much hand-holding in all matters of practical life.
Yet he has a high IQ and he's intellectually curious and decidedly academic. He knows exactly what he wants to do but has difficulty executing it.

It turns out my dud child, is not a dud. He is mentally resilient, and has learned to persist despite immense odds, starting from an accident at birth.

So he's a hero.

But people on this board will happily wave all kids with special needs into the "also-ran" category, and excoriate all families of youngsters with "invisible" special needs, because "we're coddling our kids", and we should "let them make their own mistakes", and because of us this "snowflake generation is completely incapacitated".

Once you shut out the noise of the ignorant masses, and focus on who your children really are, I don't think any of them will turn out to be duds. But you have to be observant, and compassionate, and never let them off the work ethic hook because of their needs. Know their potential, their strengths and weaknesses, and adjust expectations. Provide everything that they need to succeed. Teach them to advocate for themselves. Help them find what they're good at.

There are no duds in my family. Just variously functional people with labels like HFA or ADHD or anxiety. Some of those same people also have labels like MD and PhD, so we know that some labels are not incompatible with each other.

I think my point is: know yourself. Know your kids. Self-awareness is the greatest gift.

One of the few good posts here. Same as every thread on this forum, but this basically highlights how 90% of you are toxic, but 10% of posters, like the above, are compassionate, well adjusted, any genuinely happy and wise seeming human beings.

Sorry, no. This is not what this thread is about. Working ten times harder than someone else is the exact opposite of a dud. Also being an MD or a PhD is not a dud. I have no idea why that PP even responded to this thread -- to call attention to her entire family NOT having any "duds"?

Some people are duds. That's what this thread is about.

Umm I'm pretty sure the reason Jesus was crucified was to teach that every single person is a child of Gid.

Jesus (Josh to his friends) abandoned a promising carpentry business at 30 to wander around with a bunch of unemployed dudes shooting off his mouth and causing trouble. Then at 33 he left and moved back into his dad's house, where's he been ever since. The ultimate DCUM dud?

This made me lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in the nature vs. nurture thing, particularly work ethic.

Dud XDH, his mom and two siblings all lack anything resembling a work ethic. I could tell stories, but I don’t want to out them. Suffice it to say, none of the three kids is really financially viable, although two of them hold down jobs at least. My parents and sibling are really hard working.

My DD has an amazing work ethic, attended a top ivy, has won merit scholarships to grad school, and so on. It’s hard to get DS off the sofa and at 25 he’s definitely not able to support himself.

What does DCUM say? Did I parent two kids completely differently? Is there something genetic going on?

I’ve googled the heredibility of work ethic and studies say different things.

What's the so on? That looks a little expensive, and nothing contributed back yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult kids are doing great and they are the opposite of duds. But I have plenty of friends and family whose kids are duds but their parents aren’t. I’m not sure of the cause of the dud-ness, but I think being spoiled has something to do with it as all the families are UMC or UC.

The reason they are all UMC/UC is because you wouldn’t call someone from a lower class family a dud. Lack of ambition, poor career potential, low educational attainment, etc are the norm - those who achieve more stand out as exceptions. “Dud” is only possible when you start with elevated expectations and have somewhere to drop to. It’s a very classist phrase.

So interesting! I agree with your analysis. MC + poor kids suffer from a culture of low expectations.. .society has little hope for them. UMC / rich kids are expected to perform well.

OP your post does make me sad. What would you do if one of your " duds" saw your post? I would be devastated to read something like that. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. I think in MC families--kids in large families tend to raise themselves w/o much guiding/ mentoring. With luck and a huge desire to escape by Midwest city, I have achieved great success. Some who stayed there have failed to find success. I would hate to call them duds. Maybe you can help them get out of their funk? It is never too late, I hope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My "dud" child works 10 times as hard as the average smart kid to achieve the same thing. He is twice exceptional, meaning he is gifted but also learning disordered, with a few medical diagnoses to round it all off. He has an IEP and 100% extra time. Extraordinarily slow processing speed. Various weird quirks. Lethal allergies.

He needs so much hand-holding in all matters of practical life.
Yet he has a high IQ and he's intellectually curious and decidedly academic. He knows exactly what he wants to do but has difficulty executing it.

It turns out my dud child, is not a dud. He is mentally resilient, and has learned to persist despite immense odds, starting from an accident at birth.

So he's a hero.

But people on this board will happily wave all kids with special needs into the "also-ran" category, and excoriate all families of youngsters with "invisible" special needs, because "we're coddling our kids", and we should "let them make their own mistakes", and because of us this "snowflake generation is completely incapacitated".

Once you shut out the noise of the ignorant masses, and focus on who your children really are, I don't think any of them will turn out to be duds. But you have to be observant, and compassionate, and never let them off the work ethic hook because of their needs. Know their potential, their strengths and weaknesses, and adjust expectations. Provide everything that they need to succeed. Teach them to advocate for themselves. Help them find what they're good at.

There are no duds in my family. Just variously functional people with labels like HFA or ADHD or anxiety. Some of those same people also have labels like MD and PhD, so we know that some labels are not incompatible with each other.

I think my point is: know yourself. Know your kids. Self-awareness is the greatest gift.

One of the few good posts here. Same as every thread on this forum, but this basically highlights how 90% of you are toxic, but 10% of posters, like the above, are compassionate, well adjusted, any genuinely happy and wise seeming human beings.

Sorry, no. This is not what this thread is about. Working ten times harder than someone else is the exact opposite of a dud. Also being an MD or a PhD is not a dud. I have no idea why that PP even responded to this thread -- to call attention to her entire family NOT having any "duds"?

Some people are duds. That's what this thread is about.

Umm I'm pretty sure the reason Jesus was crucified was to teach that every single person is a child of Gid.

Jesus (Josh to his friends) abandoned a promising carpentry business at 30 to wander around with a bunch of unemployed dudes shooting off his mouth and causing trouble. Then at 33 he left and moved back into his dad's house, where's he been ever since. The ultimate DCUM dud?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My adult kids are doing great and they are the opposite of duds. But I have plenty of friends and family whose kids are duds but their parents aren’t. I’m not sure of the cause of the dud-ness, but I think being spoiled has something to do with it as all the families are UMC or UC.

The reason they are all UMC/UC is because you wouldn’t call someone from a lower class family a dud. Lack of ambition, poor career potential, low educational attainment, etc are the norm - those who achieve more stand out as exceptions. “Dud” is only possible when you start with elevated expectations and have somewhere to drop to. It’s a very classist phrase.

So interesting! I agree with your analysis. MC + poor kids suffer from a culture of low expectations.. .society has little hope for them. UMC / rich kids are expected to perform well.

OP your post does make me sad. What would you do if one of your " duds" saw your post? I would be devastated to read something like that. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. I think in MC families--kids in large families tend to raise themselves w/o much guiding/ mentoring. With luck and a huge desire to escape by Midwest city, I have achieved great success. Some who stayed there have failed to find success. I would hate to call them duds. Maybe you can help them get out of their funk? It is never too late, I hope!

Hmm…maybe it’s not suffering after all. I mean you don’t see suicide clusters at lmc high schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve got a 19 yo kid with significant mental issues that still manages a 35 hour a week job this summer. I think life is complicated and kids are afraid and paralyzed. We did a lot of direct action with him—driving him to interviews, making sure he’s on time and forms filled out. Then over the weeks I step back. Let him get to and from work on his own. Force him to pack own lunch.

This is a person with pretty strong impairments. Being a grownup is tough work and a big change. I hope you can counsel your kids wisely on what to do. We are grateful for all he’s learned this summer and how it’s changed his thinking.

+1. This is basically the way we all should be raising our children, with more or less intervention being needed depending on their personality, disabilities, abilities, etc. I swear sometimes that I see parents that believe their only job is keeping their kids alive for 18 years, and then they wonder why they aren't functioning adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

OP, are you able to share more how they are "duds?" All three? And when did you notice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested in the nature vs. nurture thing, particularly work ethic.

Dud XDH, his mom and two siblings all lack anything resembling a work ethic. I could tell stories, but I don’t want to out them. Suffice it to say, none of the three kids is really financially viable, although two of them hold down jobs at least. My parents and sibling are really hard working.

My DD has an amazing work ethic, attended a top ivy, has won merit scholarships to grad school, and so on. It’s hard to get DS off the sofa and at 25 he’s definitely not able to support himself.

What does DCUM say? Did I parent two kids completely differently? Is there something genetic going on?

I’ve googled the heredibility of work ethic and studies say different things.

What's the so on? That looks a little expensive, and nothing contributed back yet.

DC is earning 6 figures for a company with great social values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do know two kids who were excellent students (one at a well-regarded private, one at a decent public) in high school who “transferred down” universities. The one who went to private high school was at a pretty well-known, respected international university (think: St. Andrews in Scotland, Trinity College Dublin). She transferred in the middle of her third year to a local directional state school & commuted.

The other kid was in the honors program at a state school that’s become fairly selective (think: UGA, Clemson, Pitt). Transferred early on to local directional school.

I also know someone who transferred out of Georgetown to a very tiny regional private college.

You just described me. I am professionally successful and starting a family though.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who has a "dud" - that she has labeled him a dud, not me - and she and her husband's attitude and treatment of him is absolutely the problem. It breaks my heart. Please look at your parenting and try to help - it's your obligation for bringing them into the world. Parenting is not easy.

[Anonymous]

What the heck is a dud???

I've not read all the posts, but it sounds like at least some of you are completely writing off people who appear to either suffer from clinical depression/mental health challenges or who simply don't find the rat race to be a meaningful way to spend a life.

No human being is a dud. What an awful way to talk and think about other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who has a "dud" - that she has labeled him a dud, not me - and she and her husband's attitude and treatment of him is absolutely the problem. It breaks my heart. Please look at your parenting and try to help - it's your obligation for bringing them into the world. Parenting is not easy.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make one drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who has a "dud" - that she has labeled him a dud, not me - and she and her husband's attitude and treatment of him is absolutely the problem. It breaks my heart. Please look at your parenting and try to help - it's your obligation for bringing them into the world. Parenting is not easy.

Written by someone who’s never had to deal with a perpetually difficult child.