S/O: Dud children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You chose to have THREE children with a “dud.” Guess what that makes you?

A mother to duds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

This is very sad and a great loss to his potential that everyone would have also been enriched from. But wait, pot is natural and cures everything and everyone has anxiety so we all would be better with it. I guess he has classic addiction. Same if he drank his days away.

We are going to regret normalizing pot.

No. We are not. Cannabis saved my 20 year old. He has a serious medical condition that causes debilitating pain. None of the (very addictive) pain meds he was on were helping. He takes medical marijuana and the difference in him is night and day. It has even somehow helped with his ADHD. We tried it on advice from his orthopedic surgeon. He hasn’t taken a narcotic pain medication in over a year.

Well that's not the point, is it.

[Anonymous]

All of you calling your adult children "duds" need to look in the mirror.

No, I'm not being mean. No kid is a dud in a vacuum, people grow and learn by those around them. A kid who grew up in impoverished neighborhoods with a lot of drugs often will turn to crime and drugs as an adult not because they were "duds" but because that is what they say growing up and that is what they know. Same with a lazy, spoiled, upper middle class-born 25 year old, kids pick up their personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you calling your adult children "duds" need to look in the mirror.

No, I'm not being mean. No kid is a dud in a vacuum, people grow and learn by those around them. A kid who grew up in impoverished neighborhoods with a lot of drugs often will turn to crime and drugs as an adult not because they were "duds" but because that is what they say growing up and that is what they know. Same with a lazy, spoiled, upper middle class-born 25 year old, kids pick up their personality.

So you think dudness is nurture vs. nature? I think the opposite and that it's nature. Duds are in every corner of society. The only difference is that it's more easily hidden if one is wealthy. A wealthy dud man can throw family money at his deficiencies.

[Anonymous]

Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

[Anonymous]

My mother would say the opposite. My brother could do no wrong and I was the “bad seed,” lol

Serious internalized misogyny in my family. Loads of therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

Never too early. My 13 month old isn't walking yet. Clearly a dud.

Surely the signs have been there for a least a year, though. Probably been a big old crybaby without any sort of self-sufficiency.

(PS Can I hold your baby? And um, give a lecture on gumption?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

I would call this person an addict, not a dud

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

I would call this person an addict, not a dud

Semantics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

SAHM do laundry, cook, clean the house, and take the kids out to play. Most SAHD won’t do this or at least won’t do it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

SAHM do laundry, cook, clean the house, and take the kids out to play. Most SAHD won’t do this or at least won’t do it well.

+1. My house would have been trashed and overrun with crumbs, mice, ants and moths if dud ex-DH had stayed home FT. I barely kept on top of things with both of us working outside the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of all the people I know who are meh about their kids or regret having kids, all of them have boys. I think daughters are superior children.

This is what everyone says in my family. But the only duds are a group of men with borderline mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you calling your adult children "duds" need to look in the mirror.

No, I'm not being mean. No kid is a dud in a vacuum, people grow and learn by those around them. A kid who grew up in impoverished neighborhoods with a lot of drugs often will turn to crime and drugs as an adult not because they were "duds" but because that is what they say growing up and that is what they know. Same with a lazy, spoiled, upper middle class-born 25 year old, kids pick up their personality.

Well if you're a mom and you have sons with a dud DH, they're already seeing a terrible dynamic. The dud Dad does nothing and the mom is forced to do more and more and more and more. Instead of seeing the mom as a good role model and counterpoint to the dad, they identify with their father and imagine they'll be fine because some sucker will come along to take care of them and their kids, just like mom did. The mom really can't win. Choose wisely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you calling your adult children "duds" need to look in the mirror.

No, I'm not being mean. No kid is a dud in a vacuum, people grow and learn by those around them. A kid who grew up in impoverished neighborhoods with a lot of drugs often will turn to crime and drugs as an adult not because they were "duds" but because that is what they say growing up and that is what they know. Same with a lazy, spoiled, upper middle class-born 25 year old, kids pick up their personality.

Well if you're a mom and you have sons with a dud DH, they're already seeing a terrible dynamic. The dud Dad does nothing and the mom is forced to do more and more and more and more. Instead of seeing the mom as a good role model and counterpoint to the dad, they identify with their father and imagine they'll be fine because some sucker will come along to take care of them and their kids, just like mom did. The mom really can't win. Choose wisely.

+100. So odd that it plays out this way, but it's true. Another oddity is that dud sons frequently resent the mother just like the husband does. They resent the woman who keeps them afloat. Such a strange world that we live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew - only child - would be considered a dud. Very painful to see - kid got 800s on two sections of the SATs back in the day when there were 3 sections. Failed out of college first year, failed out of community college afterwards, has been through many food service jobs but always ends up leaving them in dramatic fashion and then becomes depressed and moves back home to regroup - sometimes not working for months at a time between episodes. He's early 30s now. Has been in therapy for years and still not sure what the problem really is - ADHD? Depression? Anxiety? Probably a combination of the three but years of therapy have not helped him to move forward. My sister and husband would love to move somewhere warmer and retire but are too afraid to leave him. He has few friends and can't afford to support himself. I hate to call him a dud - he's a really nice kid. His dad is a PHD, he went to the best private schools growing up. He has been evaluated many times and is not on the specturm. I know other boys in this sort of aimless pattern - it's troubling that there are so many.

This is not what I would consider a dud. This is a troubled young man. A dud is a grown man who is supported by a wife he doesn't love, and does literally nothing but waste time on the internet and watch tv.

Exactly! Hope he can get help. Until you have a kid with ADHD/Anxiety/Depression/LD/ExecFunctioning issues, most people cannot truly understand what it's like. Sounds like this guy may have 1 or more of these and "survived HS" only because he was incredibly smart. And when he hit college it all came tumbling down or rather spiraling downward.