S/O: Dud children

[Anonymous]

Well first, I would never in a million years refer to my children as “duds”. Ever. I have five adult kids. All college grads. All have great jobs. Two are married with kids. They are doing great now, but we went through some really challenging times with each of them. Young adults- especially young men- sometimes need a little extra time to mature. Calling them “duds”” says more about you than them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well first, I would never in a million years refer to my children as “duds”. Ever. I have five adult kids. All college grads. All have great jobs. Two are married with kids. They are doing great now, but we went through some really challenging times with each of them. Young adults- especially young men- sometimes need a little extra time to mature. Calling them “duds”” says more about you than them.

If their father is in his 50s/60s and a certifiable dud, then you can see why someone may start wondering if their own DC is also a "dud."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve got a 19 yo kid with significant mental issues that still manages a 35 hour a week job this summer. I think life is complicated and kids are afraid and paralyzed. We did a lot of direct action with him—driving him to interviews, making sure he’s on time and forms filled out. Then over the weeks I step back. Let him get to and from work on his own. Force him to pack own lunch.

This is a person with pretty strong impairments. Being a grownup is tough work and a big change. I hope you can counsel your kids wisely on what to do. We are grateful for all he’s learned this summer and how it’s changed his thinking.

Congratulations. I have two young adults with special needs - one intellectual and the other mental health. I’m sure judgmental people would refer to them as duds based on their jobs and living situations. But honestly, I look at them as having exceeded expectations for someone of their level of capability.

I guess people who are calling their own kids duds know them and might be right. But I hate all of the stereotyping of young adults who live at home and don’t have high wage earning white collar jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well first, I would never in a million years refer to my children as “duds”. Ever. I have five adult kids. All college grads. All have great jobs. Two are married with kids. They are doing great now, but we went through some really challenging times with each of them. Young adults- especially young men- sometimes need a little extra time to mature. Calling them “duds”” says more about you than them.

While you are being high and mighty, you do realize that just because you don't call a thing a thing, does not make it any less of a thing, right? This thread is about anonymously admitting to what parents may see in their children. Ignoring what's right in your face only means you are in denial. Nobody cares about what you would never refer to your children as.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

This is very sad and a great loss to his potential that everyone would have also been enriched from. But wait, pot is natural and cures everything and everyone has anxiety so we all would be better with it. I guess he has classic addiction. Same if he drank his days away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

This is very sad and a great loss to his potential that everyone would have also been enriched from. But wait, pot is natural and cures everything and everyone has anxiety so we all would be better with it. I guess he has classic addiction. Same if he drank his days away.

We are going to regret normalizing pot.

[Anonymous]

My nephew - only child - would be considered a dud. Very painful to see - kid got 800s on two sections of the SATs back in the day when there were 3 sections. Failed out of college first year, failed out of community college afterwards, has been through many food service jobs but always ends up leaving them in dramatic fashion and then becomes depressed and moves back home to regroup - sometimes not working for months at a time between episodes. He's early 30s now. Has been in therapy for years and still not sure what the problem really is - ADHD? Depression? Anxiety? Probably a combination of the three but years of therapy have not helped him to move forward. My sister and husband would love to move somewhere warmer and retire but are too afraid to leave him. He has few friends and can't afford to support himself. I hate to call him a dud - he's a really nice kid. His dad is a PHD, he went to the best private schools growing up. He has been evaluated many times and is not on the specturm. I know other boys in this sort of aimless pattern - it's troubling that there are so many.

[Anonymous]

There are girls in that pattern as well. Sometimes going to private school does not adequately prepare you for life. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew - only child - would be considered a dud. Very painful to see - kid got 800s on two sections of the SATs back in the day when there were 3 sections. Failed out of college first year, failed out of community college afterwards, has been through many food service jobs but always ends up leaving them in dramatic fashion and then becomes depressed and moves back home to regroup - sometimes not working for months at a time between episodes. He's early 30s now. Has been in therapy for years and still not sure what the problem really is - ADHD? Depression? Anxiety? Probably a combination of the three but years of therapy have not helped him to move forward. My sister and husband would love to move somewhere warmer and retire but are too afraid to leave him. He has few friends and can't afford to support himself. I hate to call him a dud - he's a really nice kid. His dad is a PHD, he went to the best private schools growing up. He has been evaluated many times and is not on the specturm. I know other boys in this sort of aimless pattern - it's troubling that there are so many.

This is not what I would consider a dud. This is a troubled young man. A dud is a grown man who is supported by a wife he doesn't love, and does literally nothing but waste time on the internet and watch tv.

[Anonymous]

I also have a dud nephew. Flunked out of college and has had a series of retail jobs that he gets fired from. Had student loan debt from the one and only semester he attended and had to be bailed out by his grandfather. Now in mid-20’s doing nothing but vaping weed daily and shacking up with a girl. Interestingly, he’s the golden grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

This is very sad and a great loss to his potential that everyone would have also been enriched from. But wait, pot is natural and cures everything and everyone has anxiety so we all would be better with it. I guess he has classic addiction. Same if he drank his days away.

We are going to regret normalizing pot.

No. We are not. Cannabis saved my 20 year old. He has a serious medical condition that causes debilitating pain. None of the (very addictive) pain meds he was on were helping. He takes medical marijuana and the difference in him is night and day. It has even somehow helped with his ADHD. We tried it on advice from his orthopedic surgeon. He hasn’t taken a narcotic pain medication in over a year.

[Anonymous]

You chose to have THREE children with a “dud.” Guess what that makes you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

This is very sad and a great loss to his potential that everyone would have also been enriched from. But wait, pot is natural and cures everything and everyone has anxiety so we all would be better with it. I guess he has classic addiction. Same if he drank his days away.

We are going to regret normalizing pot.

No. We are not. Cannabis saved my 20 year old. He has a serious medical condition that causes debilitating pain. None of the (very addictive) pain meds he was on were helping. He takes medical marijuana and the difference in him is night and day. It has even somehow helped with his ADHD. We tried it on advice from his orthopedic surgeon. He hasn’t taken a narcotic pain medication in over a year.

This is totally different, as I’m sure you know. Also, medical marijuana for pain, cancer etc. is different from getting recreationally stoned all day, as I’m sure you also know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

This is very sad and a great loss to his potential that everyone would have also been enriched from. But wait, pot is natural and cures everything and everyone has anxiety so we all would be better with it. I guess he has classic addiction. Same if he drank his days away.

We are going to regret normalizing pot.

I agree with this. My kid has just admitted to us that he has been getting high multiple times per day since getting home from college and also that he spent a huge amount of his freshman year high. He good terrific grades, so I didn’t really see this coming. The saddest part was that he said he was spending his time holed up in his room because he was ashamed of being high and didn’t want to see us. I really hope that he’s able to stay away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew - only child - would be considered a dud. Very painful to see - kid got 800s on two sections of the SATs back in the day when there were 3 sections. Failed out of college first year, failed out of community college afterwards, has been through many food service jobs but always ends up leaving them in dramatic fashion and then becomes depressed and moves back home to regroup - sometimes not working for months at a time between episodes. He's early 30s now. Has been in therapy for years and still not sure what the problem really is - ADHD? Depression? Anxiety? Probably a combination of the three but years of therapy have not helped him to move forward. My sister and husband would love to move somewhere warmer and retire but are too afraid to leave him. He has few friends and can't afford to support himself. I hate to call him a dud - he's a really nice kid. His dad is a PHD, he went to the best private schools growing up. He has been evaluated many times and is not on the specturm. I know other boys in this sort of aimless pattern - it's troubling that there are so many.

This is not what I would consider a dud. This is a troubled young man. A dud is a grown man who is supported by a wife he doesn't love, and does literally nothing but waste time on the internet and watch tv.

That's not a dud, that's a lazy, POS husband. The pp's definition is more accurate IMO.