S/O: Dud children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

Op here, and no this is not at all a troll post. And yes, if they were girls, dudness would likely be more pronounced since society is harder on women. I'm not being hard on my kids; I am calling a spade a spade. They are very similar to my ex as far as low ambition and pulling teeth to get small tasks completed.

I started the s/o thread to attack/identify the root of the problem: Dud adults/spouses were once somebody's dud children. The problem with assigning youth as an excuse is that the husbands and wives who are current duds were likely that way in their 20's too. I am certain their parents saw it and happily married the kids off to be someone else's problem. No way in hell dud-ways first emerge in a marriage. If you are married to a dud, you were dud-duped.

OP, sounds like you have alot of bitterness about your ex, I suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

I have a 40 yo cousin who I'd put I this bucket. He had tons of talent as a teen in both music and art. He could play any song he'd ever heard on piano or guitar by ear despite never taking lessons. He produced several amazing watercolor portraits of family and easily could have pursued art. He was also from a financially stable family and had the resources to take lessons in, study or pursue anything he wanted to learn. He probably did have learning disabilities that affected his view of school.

He decided college was a racket and useless and opted to get a job after high school. He started smoking pot. Had kids with various women. Now he works at a medical marijuana shop and smokes nearly everything he earns. He doesn't reliably co-parent because he's almost always high. He used to be fun to talk to at least, but now he's just vacant. A shell of his teenage self. I don't think there's any coming back from the two decades of pot use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

Yes but not a 26 year old. The only dud kids i know are male. Two in their 50s still mooching off parents and two in their late 20s living at home with mediocre jobs.

It’s ok to have a “mediocre” job, someone has to do these jobs
It’s ok to live with parents as long as parents are ok with it
Doesn’t sound like duds to me

[Anonymous]

I think we need a definition of dudness
If a person pays for their own food and lodging they aren’t a dud (if childless). If they choose to live at home and their parents are ok with it - as long as they contribute - why not?!
If their job is not exactly top level - that’s fine too
Heck, I’ll go even further - if I am financially comfortable I am ok with feeding and lodging my child. I realize it may not be ok for someone else but it’s fine by me
As for childcare and raising a child - I think the main thing is to realize that one would be responsible before getting into it at all. It’s ok to not want to have a child or children - I think many people especially men are being duped into it. I will never tell my kid “hey it’s best to avoid having kids as it’s hard work and often for nothing” but I secretly think it’s very true…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

Never too early. My 13 month old isn't walking yet. Clearly a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

I know too many people with dud husbands who become SAHDs who continue to be duds, leaving the majority of the housekeeping to their working wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

I know too many people with dud husbands who become SAHDs who continue to be duds, leaving the majority of the housekeeping to their working wives.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

Yes but not a 26 year old. The only dud kids i know are male. Two in their 50s still mooching off parents and two in their late 20s living at home with mediocre jobs.

It’s ok to have a “mediocre” job, someone has to do these jobs
It’s ok to live with parents as long as parents are ok with it
Doesn’t sound like duds to me

Weird. These are textbook definitions of duds. Dud is synonymous with failure to launch, and still living at home at 50 while parent mooching is failure to launch at its finest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adult kids are doing great and they are the opposite of duds. But I have plenty of friends and family whose kids are duds but their parents aren’t. I’m not sure of the cause of the dud-ness, but I think being spoiled has something to do with it as all the families are UMC or UC.

Not all kids are spoiled.

My kids friends are not spoiled they are hard working smart and kind.


Every generation feels this way you sound like my grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

Op here, and no this is not at all a troll post. And yes, if they were girls, dudness would likely be more pronounced since society is harder on women. I'm not being hard on my kids; I am calling a spade a spade. They are very similar to my ex as far as low ambition and pulling teeth to get small tasks completed.

I started the s/o thread to attack/identify the root of the problem: Dud adults/spouses were once somebody's dud children. The problem with assigning youth as an excuse is that the husbands and wives who are current duds were likely that way in their 20's too. I am certain their parents saw it and happily married the kids off to be someone else's problem. No way in hell dud-ways first emerge in a marriage. If you are married to a dud, you were dud-duped.

Off topic- but I see the sentiment of “parents happily marrying off” their problem child to “be someone else’s” problem on DCUM frequently. As though in the US we have arranged marriages! What do parents have to do with their kids’ spouses deciding to marry them?

Sometimes they just up and leave the child (move across the country without telling them) or otherwise just refuse to be parents. Ex: Left 19yo in the hospital and told my sibling who was recently dating her "good luck, they are your problem now". Said if she committed suicide that it would his fault and that she definitely would if he broke up with her. He's a good person-and refuses to leave the abusive and coercive relationship. The girl-young woman-in question needs help but she has professionals for that and my sibling is not qualified. She demands he leave work constantly to accompany or otherwise babysit her. She's a dud. I feel like he's stuck and her off mannerisms/behavior wears off because they are together so much. They are now effectively common-law married and unfortunately looks like we're stuck with her. She is horrific to the rest of the family and is banned from two homes now.

Fwiw, her mother is SAH and her father is retired. There is no reason they can't tend their own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

Op here, and no this is not at all a troll post. And yes, if they were girls, dudness would likely be more pronounced since society is harder on women. I'm not being hard on my kids; I am calling a spade a spade. They are very similar to my ex as far as low ambition and pulling teeth to get small tasks completed.

I started the s/o thread to attack/identify the root of the problem: Dud adults/spouses were once somebody's dud children. The problem with assigning youth as an excuse is that the husbands and wives who are current duds were likely that way in their 20's too. I am certain their parents saw it and happily married the kids off to be someone else's problem. No way in hell dud-ways first emerge in a marriage. If you are married to a dud, you were dud-duped.

Off topic- but I see the sentiment of “parents happily marrying off” their problem child to “be someone else’s” problem on DCUM frequently. As though in the US we have arranged marriages! What do parents have to do with their kids’ spouses deciding to marry them?

Sometimes they just up and leave the child (move across the country without telling them) or otherwise just refuse to be parents. Ex: Left 19yo in the hospital and told my sibling who was recently dating her "good luck, they are your problem now". Said if she committed suicide that it would his fault and that she definitely would if he broke up with her. He's a good person-and refuses to leave the abusive and coercive relationship. The girl-young woman-in question needs help but she has professionals for that and my sibling is not qualified. She demands he leave work constantly to accompany or otherwise babysit her. She's a dud. I feel like he's stuck and her off mannerisms/behavior wears off because they are together so much. They are now effectively common-law married and unfortunately looks like we're stuck with her. She is horrific to the rest of the family and is banned from two homes now.

Fwiw, her mother is SAH and her father is retired. There is no reason they can't tend their own child.

am I just having a Monday or does this make no sense at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

Yes but not a 26 year old. The only dud kids i know are male. Two in their 50s still mooching off parents and two in their late 20s living at home with mediocre jobs.

It’s ok to have a “mediocre” job, someone has to do these jobs
It’s ok to live with parents as long as parents are ok with it
Doesn’t sound like duds to me

Weird. These are textbook definitions of duds. Dud is synonymous with failure to launch, and still living at home at 50 while parent mooching is failure to launch at its finest.

They have a job, who says they are mooching.
They don't have high ambitions, not everyone wants the stressful, materialistic rat race - good for them. My BIL lives at the poverty line, but he's happy and independent - accomplished life goals - opposite of dud.

[Anonymous]

One kid is a dud and the other is successful.

I see this pattern repeated with many of my friends around the same age as me (68) who also have the standard 2 kids.

I can accept that I helped create the dud, though. Kid #1 was so easy for us; she was a natural rule follower and very responsible and independent from a young age. She also excelled academically (was an early reader & writer). Also, she was such a good sleeper from shortly after birth.

We were very much the "I don't know what these other parents are complaining about, this parenting thing is cake!" until #2 came along.

The second one was a fighter from straight out of the womb and always restless. He seemed (and still to this day) to never need sleep. He never me a rule he didn't want to try to break. He's very independent as well but not responsible at all. So strong-willed, though. He's very smart but hated school. He only wanted to study and learn about subjects that interested him. If he liked the class and teacher, he was a rockstar. If he didn't, he was probably going to get a D or F. Punishment also didn't work because no matter what was taken away or restricted, he would say things like "that's fine, my imagination is all I need" and he meant it. He got in a fight at school and we took away his gaming system and other electronics, which back then meant CD player. No biggie for him. He'd take a fresh spiral notebook and write a short story or draw.

Once our oldest was out of the house and away at college, we gave up more on #2. We were just exhausted from the constant fight. Nothing with him was ever easy and he was always pushing buttons. If he didn't do his homework or failed a test, that was that. We didn't hound him over and over to do the work and make him show us. We just let him fail.

He didn't get into any colleges (no big shocker there) and decided to do NVCC. We agreed to pay only if he passed his courses and actually attended. He never did. He dropped out after one year and has mainly just been working service industry type jobs ever since. He's 33 and lives like he's still 19. No long-term girlfriend or wife but he does have one kid that he rarely sees (we see her pretty often), he lives with roommates from the restaurant where he works and they're all younger than him by at least 10 years. He parties all the time and I very much doubt he has any kind of savings at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One kid is a dud and the other is successful.

I see this pattern repeated with many of my friends around the same age as me (68) who also have the standard 2 kids.

I can accept that I helped create the dud, though. Kid #1 was so easy for us; she was a natural rule follower and very responsible and independent from a young age. She also excelled academically (was an early reader & writer). Also, she was such a good sleeper from shortly after birth.

We were very much the "I don't know what these other parents are complaining about, this parenting thing is cake!" until #2 came along.

The second one was a fighter from straight out of the womb and always restless. He seemed (and still to this day) to never need sleep. He never me a rule he didn't want to try to break. He's very independent as well but not responsible at all. So strong-willed, though. He's very smart but hated school. He only wanted to study and learn about subjects that interested him. If he liked the class and teacher, he was a rockstar. If he didn't, he was probably going to get a D or F. Punishment also didn't work because no matter what was taken away or restricted, he would say things like "that's fine, my imagination is all I need" and he meant it. He got in a fight at school and we took away his gaming system and other electronics, which back then meant CD player. No biggie for him. He'd take a fresh spiral notebook and write a short story or draw.

Once our oldest was out of the house and away at college, we gave up more on #2. We were just exhausted from the constant fight. Nothing with him was ever easy and he was always pushing buttons. If he didn't do his homework or failed a test, that was that. We didn't hound him over and over to do the work and make him show us. We just let him fail.

He didn't get into any colleges (no big shocker there) and decided to do NVCC. We agreed to pay only if he passed his courses and actually attended. He never did. He dropped out after one year and has mainly just been working service industry type jobs ever since. He's 33 and lives like he's still 19. No long-term girlfriend or wife but he does have one kid that he rarely sees (we see her pretty often), he lives with roommates from the restaurant where he works and they're all younger than him by at least 10 years. He parties all the time and I very much doubt he has any kind of savings at all.

Defiant children are the worst-- I swear. I agree with your "screw it" approach. After a certain point if the child doesn't care than neither do I. My daughter, now 24, has the same defiant fighting for no reason personality. I thought she would outgrow it after the teen years passed, but she hasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One kid is a dud and the other is successful.

I see this pattern repeated with many of my friends around the same age as me (68) who also have the standard 2 kids.

I can accept that I helped create the dud, though. Kid #1 was so easy for us; she was a natural rule follower and very responsible and independent from a young age. She also excelled academically (was an early reader & writer). Also, she was such a good sleeper from shortly after birth.

We were very much the "I don't know what these other parents are complaining about, this parenting thing is cake!" until #2 came along.

The second one was a fighter from straight out of the womb and always restless. He seemed (and still to this day) to never need sleep. He never me a rule he didn't want to try to break. He's very independent as well but not responsible at all. So strong-willed, though. He's very smart but hated school. He only wanted to study and learn about subjects that interested him. If he liked the class and teacher, he was a rockstar. If he didn't, he was probably going to get a D or F. Punishment also didn't work because no matter what was taken away or restricted, he would say things like "that's fine, my imagination is all I need" and he meant it. He got in a fight at school and we took away his gaming system and other electronics, which back then meant CD player. No biggie for him. He'd take a fresh spiral notebook and write a short story or draw.

Once our oldest was out of the house and away at college, we gave up more on #2. We were just exhausted from the constant fight. Nothing with him was ever easy and he was always pushing buttons. If he didn't do his homework or failed a test, that was that. We didn't hound him over and over to do the work and make him show us. We just let him fail.

He didn't get into any colleges (no big shocker there) and decided to do NVCC. We agreed to pay only if he passed his courses and actually attended. He never did. He dropped out after one year and has mainly just been working service industry type jobs ever since. He's 33 and lives like he's still 19. No long-term girlfriend or wife but he does have one kid that he rarely sees (we see her pretty often), he lives with roommates from the restaurant where he works and they're all younger than him by at least 10 years. He parties all the time and I very much doubt he has any kind of savings at all.

Defiant children are the worst-- I swear. I agree with your "screw it" approach. After a certain point if the child doesn't care than neither do I. My daughter, now 24, has the same defiant fighting for no reason personality. I thought she would outgrow it after the teen years passed, but she hasn't.

You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink.