S/O: Dud children

[Anonymous]

There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

[Anonymous]

Same. All that hard work for nothing.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s heredity. More than likely, when parents don’t agree on childrearing, kids take the easy way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s heredity. More than likely, when parents don’t agree on childrearing, kids take the easy way out.

Between stuff like ADHD, which are very inheritable, and ambition and general attitude, where you learn by example, the family you were born into and raised in, determines a lot of the outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

[Anonymous]

My adult kids are doing great and they are the opposite of duds. But I have plenty of friends and family whose kids are duds but their parents aren’t. I’m not sure of the cause of the dud-ness, but I think being spoiled has something to do with it as all the families are UMC or UC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

Op here, and no this is not at all a troll post. And yes, if they were girls, dudness would likely be more pronounced since society is harder on women. I'm not being hard on my kids; I am calling a spade a spade. They are very similar to my ex as far as low ambition and pulling teeth to get small tasks completed.

I started the s/o thread to attack/identify the root of the problem: Dud adults/spouses were once somebody's dud children. The problem with assigning youth as an excuse is that the husbands and wives who are current duds were likely that way in their 20's too. I am certain their parents saw it and happily married the kids off to be someone else's problem. No way in hell dud-ways first emerge in a marriage. If you are married to a dud, you were dud-duped.

[Anonymous]

Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

No one is mentioning a major cause of dud-ness: video games. If the male dud is busy with video games for hours on end, he is not a good candidate for SAHD.

[Anonymous]

How do you define Dud? This is pretty harsh way to describe someone. If someone is irresponsible and selfish, that's one thing, however, not everyone has to be ambitious and driven to be considered a good person who contributes to society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Isn't it too early to label a 20 year old as a dud?

Yes but not a 26 year old. The only dud kids i know are male. Two in their 50s still mooching off parents and two in their late 20s living at home with mediocre jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are two posts in the relationship forum re: dud husbands/wives, so I thought I'd start one here for dud children. Anyone willing to admit they have dud adult kids? I married a dud (divorced), and I feel like my kids are turning out to be dud'ish like him. It makes me so sad because I suspect that dud-like behavior is hereditary. For the record, three boys, 20, 22 and 26.

Not sure if this is a troll post...but if it isn't, OP-would you feel the same way about your kids if they were three girls? Also, they are still young and lots of young folks are not fully ripened yet. It seems early to decide they are 'duds'. I have 4 of my 6 kids in their 20's and there is a huge difference between 20 and 30.

Op here, and no this is not at all a troll post. And yes, if they were girls, dudness would likely be more pronounced since society is harder on women. I'm not being hard on my kids; I am calling a spade a spade. They are very similar to my ex as far as low ambition and pulling teeth to get small tasks completed.

I started the s/o thread to attack/identify the root of the problem: Dud adults/spouses were once somebody's dud children. The problem with assigning youth as an excuse is that the husbands and wives who are current duds were likely that way in their 20's too. I am certain their parents saw it and happily married the kids off to be someone else's problem. No way in hell dud-ways first emerge in a marriage. If you are married to a dud, you were dud-duped.

Off topic- but I see the sentiment of “parents happily marrying off” their problem child to “be someone else’s” problem on DCUM frequently. As though in the US we have arranged marriages! What do parents have to do with their kids’ spouses deciding to marry them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dud males should just become SAHDs. We need to let this happen. It’s not a bad thing. And we should use less derogatory language to describe them.
It’s just like dud females in our society’s past could hide out as SAHMs.
I’m NOT saying all SAHMs are duds. I’m saying that we all know at least one SAHM who is more of a dud than other moms who manage to be more productive in their roles.

SAHMs are generally married to men that are fairly successful. These men typically don’t pick duds. I can’t think of a single SAHM I know that I would describe as a dud.

[Anonymous]

I’ve got a 19 yo kid with significant mental issues that still manages a 35 hour a week job this summer. I think life is complicated and kids are afraid and paralyzed. We did a lot of direct action with him—driving him to interviews, making sure he’s on time and forms filled out. Then over the weeks I step back. Let him get to and from work on his own. Force him to pack own lunch.

This is a person with pretty strong impairments. Being a grownup is tough work and a big change. I hope you can counsel your kids wisely on what to do. We are grateful for all he’s learned this summer and how it’s changed his thinking.