Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

+1 this is very uncommon with coparenting divorces. Once kids enter the picture there has to be serious reasons to divorce. Continuing to vacation together with large groups is greatly more odd than not.

Keep dating and suss this out with this guy. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

If she comes to all family parties you have your answer. Separation means having a life of one’s own. She is enmeshed, I don’t know about him. Her accepting all the invites is the red flag even more so than his inviting her.

Good points.

[Anonymous]

Op, why did they divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, why did they divorce?

Op: he said they fought a lot from the beginning, he worked a ton as he has his own business, they tried therapy and she wouldn’t communicate with him, and she eventually cheated and that was the last straw before he moved out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why did they divorce?

Op: he said they fought a lot from the beginning, he worked a ton as he has his own business, they tried therapy and she wouldn’t communicate with him, and she eventually cheated and that was the last straw before he moved out.

Hmm. I would bet they definitely have a lot of unfinished business. If cheating was really the last straw she would not be so immeshed in his family life. I would bet the cancer diagnosis had him reconsidering his decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

WTF???

Are you nuts??? Or is this the plot of a very bad movie that I didn't see?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, why did they divorce?

Op: he said they fought a lot from the beginning, he worked a ton as he has his own business, they tried therapy and she wouldn’t communicate with him, and she eventually cheated and that was the last straw before he moved out.

Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

OP this is a crucial bit of information that belonged in your original post! I told you to overlook this earlier in this thread, but I thought it was a one time event with an exception made because of her health status - this completely changes things. You need to have a sit down with him - unfortunately I think it’s ultimatum time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: if you are with him long term, you'll need to be OK with occasionally vacationing with the ex-W and celebrating with her on some holidays.

That's the way this family rolls, so adjust your expectations. If you're not comfortable with that future scenario, it's OK to break up with him.

NP. Agree with the first line but NOT with the bold. Of course the children's mother will be in their lives and therefore will be at certain events and celebrations where her ex, the OP's BF, is present. The divorced couple might even need to work together on plans for certain huge events over the years (graduation parties, engagement parties/weddings, etc.). So, yes to OP's needing to be OK with the ex-wife being there for some celebrations and holidays. But vacationing? Nope.

I DO think, though, that there may be a special circumstance here, with the mom having had cancer in the one year since the divorce (let's not forget that aspect). Even if it' wasn't considered a major or incurable cancel, the mere word can create a huge scare for many people.

The BF/ex-DH might simply be a decent guy who is overdoing things when it comes to trying to give the kids an amicable situation, and any worry or guilt over the ex-DW's cancer, fear for the future, etc. could be in play here. OP, it's possible your BF is worried that if the cancer recurs, the kids will have a lot less time with their mom, so he's overcompensating in advance, so to speak, perhaps trying to be the "good ex" who ensures the kids have a ton of time with mom. If she hadn't been ill, he might not be inviting her to EVERY celebration/event/holiday and surely not to a vacation.

I would simply have a frank, kind talk with him about this. Be gentle about it because you don't yet know the full details of her illness or how (or really, whether) it has influence on what he's doing re: invitations. If she cheated on him, which I think I read above, he must be pretty forgiving, or very willing to put the kids first, if he's inviting her to so much, including a vacation. Forgiving and "kids first" are not bad things for him to be, OP! But you do need to talk to him to clarify. Tell him how you feel about him (not about the vacation--about HIM) and that you are thinking about whether there is a longer-term relationship for you both, but you would like clarity on where his ex fits into that.

[Anonymous]

How is this okay? Does he think this is okay? Do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if you are with him long term, you'll need to be OK with occasionally vacationing with the ex-W and celebrating with her on some holidays.

That's the way this family rolls, so adjust your expectations. If you're not comfortable with that future scenario, it's OK to break up with him.

NP. Agree with the first line but NOT with the bold. Of course the children's mother will be in their lives and therefore will be at certain events and celebrations where her ex, the OP's BF, is present. The divorced couple might even need to work together on plans for certain huge events over the years (graduation parties, engagement parties/weddings, etc.). So, yes to OP's needing to be OK with the ex-wife being there for some celebrations and holidays. But vacationing? Nope.

I DO think, though, that there may be a special circumstance here, with the mom having had cancer in the one year since the divorce (let's not forget that aspect). Even if it' wasn't considered a major or incurable cancel, the mere word can create a huge scare for many people.

The BF/ex-DH might simply be a decent guy who is overdoing things when it comes to trying to give the kids an amicable situation, and any worry or guilt over the ex-DW's cancer, fear for the future, etc. could be in play here. OP, it's possible your BF is worried that if the cancer recurs, the kids will have a lot less time with their mom, so he's overcompensating in advance, so to speak, perhaps trying to be the "good ex" who ensures the kids have a ton of time with mom. If she hadn't been ill, he might not be inviting her to EVERY celebration/event/holiday and surely not to a vacation.

I would simply have a frank, kind talk with him about this. Be gentle about it because you don't yet know the full details of her illness or how (or really, whether) it has influence on what he's doing re: invitations. If she cheated on him, which I think I read above, he must be pretty forgiving, or very willing to put the kids first, if he's inviting her to so much, including a vacation. Forgiving and "kids first" are not bad things for him to be, OP! But you do need to talk to him to clarify. Tell him how you feel about him (not about the vacation--about HIM) and that you are thinking about whether there is a longer-term relationship for you both, but you would like clarity on where his ex fits into that.

Personally, I know of multiple divorced couples who vacation with their kid(s) + new significant others. Good friends of mine divorced 5 years ago. During COVID, they took their son to Costa Rica for a month and brought along their new significant others. They stayed in separate houses on the same beach, but did a lot of activities together. They do one big family trip together each year, plus other separate trips with each parent solo.

It's not uncommon with low-conflict divorce scenarios for ex's to vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: if you are with him long term, you'll need to be OK with occasionally vacationing with the ex-W and celebrating with her on some holidays.

That's the way this family rolls, so adjust your expectations. If you're not comfortable with that future scenario, it's OK to break up with him.

NP. Agree with the first line but NOT with the bold. Of course the children's mother will be in their lives and therefore will be at certain events and celebrations where her ex, the OP's BF, is present. The divorced couple might even need to work together on plans for certain huge events over the years (graduation parties, engagement parties/weddings, etc.). So, yes to OP's needing to be OK with the ex-wife being there for some celebrations and holidays. But vacationing? Nope.

I DO think, though, that there may be a special circumstance here, with the mom having had cancer in the one year since the divorce (let's not forget that aspect). Even if it' wasn't considered a major or incurable cancel, the mere word can create a huge scare for many people.

The BF/ex-DH might simply be a decent guy who is overdoing things when it comes to trying to give the kids an amicable situation, and any worry or guilt over the ex-DW's cancer, fear for the future, etc. could be in play here. OP, it's possible your BF is worried that if the cancer recurs, the kids will have a lot less time with their mom, so he's overcompensating in advance, so to speak, perhaps trying to be the "good ex" who ensures the kids have a ton of time with mom. If she hadn't been ill, he might not be inviting her to EVERY celebration/event/holiday and surely not to a vacation.

I would simply have a frank, kind talk with him about this. Be gentle about it because you don't yet know the full details of her illness or how (or really, whether) it has influence on what he's doing re: invitations. If she cheated on him, which I think I read above, he must be pretty forgiving, or very willing to put the kids first, if he's inviting her to so much, including a vacation. Forgiving and "kids first" are not bad things for him to be, OP! But you do need to talk to him to clarify. Tell him how you feel about him (not about the vacation--about HIM) and that you are thinking about whether there is a longer-term relationship for you both, but you would like clarity on where his ex fits into that.

Personally, I know of multiple divorced couples who vacation with their kid(s) + new significant others. Good friends of mine divorced 5 years ago. During COVID, they took their son to Costa Rica for a month and brought along their new significant others. They stayed in separate houses on the same beach, but did a lot of activities together. They do one big family trip together each year, plus other separate trips with each parent solo.

It's not uncommon with low-conflict divorce scenarios for ex's to vacation together.

The key difference is that their new partners also joined. OP would not be going on this trip because they agreed not to introduce kids yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

It has only been one year since he divorced. In that time, his ex battled cancer. You can’t make pronouncements about his future based on his inviting the ex to join this year’s annual vacation. Even if he has no desire to get back together with her, I’m sure he’s genuinely glad she’s alive since she’s the mother of his young children.

Read OP's follow up comment, ex also attends all other family gatherings, so it's not just the vacation. He can provide support and care to ex in many other ways, and i would personally strongly encourage that. What he is doing is very confusing for the kids, especially if they are young.

It’s been all family gatherings *in the first year after divorce, while she had cancer.* It hasn’t been an ordinary year. They don’t have a new normal yet. I bet ex will stop coming to everything once OP is introduced to everyone and starts coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

It has only been one year since he divorced. In that time, his ex battled cancer. You can’t make pronouncements about his future based on his inviting the ex to join this year’s annual vacation. Even if he has no desire to get back together with her, I’m sure he’s genuinely glad she’s alive since she’s the mother of his young children.

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Read OP's follow up comment, ex also attends all other family gatherings, so it's not just the vacation. He can provide support and care to ex in many other ways, and i would personally strongly encourage that. What he is doing is very confusing for the kids, especially if they are young.

It’s been all family gatherings *in the first year after divorce, while she had cancer.* It hasn’t been an ordinary year. They don’t have a new normal yet. I bet ex will stop coming to everything once OP is introduced to everyone and starts coming.

As I said before, the suss thing is not him inviting her but rather her actually joining. I mean maybe she is afraid to die any day so doesn’t want to miss a minute of her time with kids, but even in this case it’s too much emotional baggage… I can see OP kind of brushes it aside but…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

OP this is a crucial bit of information that belonged in your original post! I told you to overlook this earlier in this thread, but I thought it was a one time event with an exception made because of her health status - this completely changes things. You need to have a sit down with him - unfortunately I think it’s ultimatum time.

ultimatum time?