Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

It has only been one year since he divorced. In that time, his ex battled cancer. You can’t make pronouncements about his future based on his inviting the ex to join this year’s annual vacation. Even if he has no desire to get back together with her, I’m sure he’s genuinely glad she’s alive since she’s the mother of his young children.

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Read OP's follow up comment, ex also attends all other family gatherings, so it's not just the vacation. He can provide support and care to ex in many other ways, and i would personally strongly encourage that. What he is doing is very confusing for the kids, especially if they are young.

It’s been all family gatherings *in the first year after divorce, while she had cancer.* It hasn’t been an ordinary year. They don’t have a new normal yet. I bet ex will stop coming to everything once OP is introduced to everyone and starts coming.

As I said before, the suss thing is not him inviting her but rather her actually joining. I mean maybe she is afraid to die any day so doesn’t want to miss a minute of her time with kids, but even in this case it’s too much emotional baggage… I can see OP kind of brushes it aside but…

why is that “suss”? I swear, some of you need to get out and meet a wider variety of people. OP is tilting at windmills here. She’s the one who put the 1-year waiting period on meeting the kids, they’ve been dating 7 months, yet you act like she’s entitled to control how her boyfriend interacts with his ex when she’s not even there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

WTF???

Are you nuts??? Or is this the plot of a very bad movie that I didn't see?

You should see what Mr Hypothetical posts on the Politics forum.

[Anonymous]

I would step back, start dating other people, and play along with whatever he’s playing. See how long he behaves so confused or if he wants grown women fighting over him. Make him grow up. Like what Hillary Clinton did to Bill: didn’t gift him an easy out, made him ask for it and he never did.

[Anonymous]

OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

Of course it does. You stated in your OP that he divorced a year ago. He is in fact not divorced. He is still married. So his wife is joining the family vacation. Not an ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

Which paperwork is being submitted ? It takes one month to finalize with amicable divorce and divorce is granted instantly at first hearing. They are not divorced ! Step back and don’t sleep with a married man, period. When he finalized it, ask him to call you.

[Anonymous]

He is still married. I would break up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you never responded to this question and it’s a crucial info. Are they actually officially divorced or “separated” ? Did you check if a divorce decree was filed in court records along with the property division settlement agreement ?

Op: sorry for the delayed response. The paperwork has been submitted, but the court hasn’t finalized yet. Does this change things though?

Which paperwork is being submitted ? It takes one month to finalize with amicable divorce and divorce is granted instantly at first hearing. They are not divorced ! Step back and don’t sleep with a married man, period. When he finalized it, ask him to call you.

She’s been dating him for 7 months already. It doesn’t sound like a finalized divorce was important to her. The fact that he’s not technically divorced does shed new light though. Of course they haven’t met each other’s kids yet. Of course “ex” was invited to holidays.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your divorce final? For how long?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

WTF???

Are you nuts??? Or is this the plot of a very bad movie that I didn't see?

You should see what Mr Hypothetical posts on the Politics forum.

I'm waiting for the movie of this plan. Working Title: Remarkable Cathy (or Kathy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

Try not to rush the timeline. You’re putting pressure where it does not belong. If after the year mark you aren’t more involved with his family then have these conversations. You’re dating, not married. Also he seems to still be married…so maybe consider slowing down on expectations or this will backfire.

[Anonymous]

He is stringing you along.

[Anonymous]

Does he live separately or in the same house as his "ex" e.g. official wife? There are just so many red flags all over!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is stringing you along.

She sounds so freaking desperate. Clingy.