Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he and ex are doing well co-parenting and have gone to this family gathering for a long time. Leave it alone - not your business unless you are engaged or married to him now. Sounds like a kind man who loves his kids.

exactly. it’s a traditional family gathering, not a “vacation”.

Family gatherings don’t involve sleeping over and multiple days and and out of town destination house rental. She’s not showing up at a picnic family gathering.
Perhaps it depends on why they got divorced. Majority of the cases, even with coparenting, the ex in laws, WPEN husband and ex wife would not really enjoy “catching up” at a family gathering.

Speak for yourself. My family and many families I know have this sort of tradition. In my extended family it’s camping since most of them don’t have a lot of income. My friend’s ex-husband’s family has had annual week-long gatherings a beach house for generations. Lots of families do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all comes back to the absolutely insane idea that people that are dating single parents should be sequestered from meeting the kids for an obscenely long time. If you have been dating 7 months, you should have met the kids and be going on this vacation.

I wonder how much of this involved the kids coping with the idea that their mother was battling (a potentially fatal?) illness at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, I think it's fine as long as you guys have a serious conversation about it. Is it a one-time thing? How does he expect this to work in the future when you're vacationing together? What will the sleeping arrangements be? How will they present this to their kids (I'd be worried about false hope)? Is he going to have conversations with his ex before the trip about boundaries? How does he plan for that to go?

[Anonymous]

I would want to know how the ex reacts if he invites her. If she refuses there is a chance. But accepting this invitation just doesn’t sit well with me, too much enmeshment. I say this as an ex who keeps in touch with former in laws and is amicable with my exH. It’s just not right to be in the same house with ex and the kids. It also messes kids up to a degree - my ex had to spend a night at my place once becsuse there was no other option - I could see our kid being hopeful, poor thing never again!

[Anonymous]

And yes I agree this arrangement is confusing to everyone! Bad judgment on his part!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

It has only been one year since he divorced. In that time, his ex battled cancer. You can’t make pronouncements about his future based on his inviting the ex to join this year’s annual vacation. Even if he has no desire to get back together with her, I’m sure he’s genuinely glad she’s alive since she’s the mother of his young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts always dissolve into ex wives coming on and insisting that they are super important to their exes, that their exes girlfriends and second wives have to accept that they are important because they are the sacred moms of the kids, etc.

No. Sorry. You divorced him. He’s not yours to control anymore. You are less important than the his current girlfriend or wife. Get over it.

I am an ex and I think it would be seriously wrong to invite and for the ex wife to accept the invite. Kid centered event with no overnight? Completely fine. A family vacation? Nope!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

If she comes to all family parties you have your answer. Separation means having a life of one’s own. She is enmeshed, I don’t know about him. Her accepting all the invites is the red flag even more so than his inviting her.

[Anonymous]

I would probably break up with him over this issue. He sounds like a nice, kind, compassionate guy worth keeping as a friend. However, your place in his family is probably not going to ever be much different than it is right now, and he's still enmeshed with his ex and might always be. I wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with someone under these terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.

Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.

You should have known already: 7 months is a long term relationship. If he's with you, he should have invited you. His ex is not the core of the issue here. He simply doesn't want to show you as he's not that into you or plans anything long term. His ex will remain in his family life as a mom of his kids. And he sees no point in bringing you, as he doesn't plan it to last. What do you want him to do, bringing multiple girlfriends every year to a family gathering ? of course not! This is his thinking.

OP: But we agreed early on to not meet each other's children until we've been together at least a year (at my request), so I would not be expected to be invited at all. The issue is more whether this is a one-time thing (due to the ex's health issue), or whether vacations together will be ongoing.

OP, don’t listen to that poster. Your boyfriend sounds like someone who is considerate and trying to do right by everyone. You haven’t met each other’s children yet, so he can’t very well invite you at this stage. This isn’t about his feelings for you. I’m sure he’ll miss you while he’s away.

He has no boundaries. He continues to invite his ex to vacations and all family parties. The whole thing must be confusing for the kids and rest of family.

OP trust your instincts, this man is not yet ready to move forward in life and he may not even know it himself.

It has only been one year since he divorced. In that time, his ex battled cancer. You can’t make pronouncements about his future based on his inviting the ex to join this year’s annual vacation. Even if he has no desire to get back together with her, I’m sure he’s genuinely glad she’s alive since she’s the mother of his young children.

Read OP's follow up comment, ex also attends all other family gatherings, so it's not just the vacation. He can provide support and care to ex in many other ways, and i would personally strongly encourage that. What he is doing is very confusing for the kids, especially if they are young.

[Anonymous]

OP: if you are with him long term, you'll need to be OK with occasionally vacationing with the ex-W and celebrating with her on some holidays.

That's the way this family rolls, so adjust your expectations. If you're not comfortable with that future scenario, it's OK to break up with him.