Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PSA, if you get $$ from your parent(s) TELL YOUR SIBLINGS. And parents, if you are giving $$ to one kid, make sure you offer the same amount to every child.

Uneven financial support is THE quickest and easiest way for to ruin sibling relationships.

I’ve watched it ruin once positive relationships between many sets of siblings. Including my husband’s.

If uneven financial assistance is a surefire path to strife among siblings, why would you disclose receipt of such help to your siblings?? It's your parents' money and they can do with it what they please; if that entails more (or exclusive) assistance to a struggling child, that's their choice. Parading the news around if you are the recipient is likely to cause the strife you suggest. Don't ask, don't tell!

DP. If the financial help is not disclosed, the other siblings will eventually find out anyway. People aren’t stupid and can do the math. Add alcohol and a few innocent questions at a family get together and you’ll find out. Has happened in my family and creates untold resentment. Parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it is not without consequences.

I seriously cannot fathom someone truly believing that keeping that kind of information from their siblings. It's so fundamentally unethical. Am I the only one who sees this as extremely devious of the "struggling" sibling?

[Anonymous]

My BIL asked for and received a gifted down payment from my MIL. Did not inform his siblings of the request. It eventually came out and MIL made equal gifts to the siblings, but the family relationships never recovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PSA, if you get $$ from your parent(s) TELL YOUR SIBLINGS. And parents, if you are giving $$ to one kid, make sure you offer the same amount to every child.

Uneven financial support is THE quickest and easiest way for to ruin sibling relationships.

I’ve watched it ruin once positive relationships between many sets of siblings. Including my husband’s.

If uneven financial assistance is a surefire path to strife among siblings, why would you disclose receipt of such help to your siblings?? It's your parents' money and they can do with it what they please; if that entails more (or exclusive) assistance to a struggling child, that's their choice. Parading the news around if you are the recipient is likely to cause the strife you suggest. Don't ask, don't tell!

DP. If the financial help is not disclosed, the other siblings will eventually find out anyway. People aren’t stupid and can do the math. Add alcohol and a few innocent questions at a family get together and you’ll find out. Has happened in my family and creates untold resentment. Parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it is not without consequences.

I seriously cannot fathom someone truly believing that keeping that kind of information from their siblings. It's so fundamentally unethical. Am I the only one who sees this as extremely devious of the "struggling" sibling?

This is good advice. My sibling let it slip out that I was not POA and executor and they were. I, at this point, assume I am completely cut out of the will and my sibling will get everything as when I asked everyone got funny and defensive. I have pulled back and don't see them anymore as I now know where I stand. I was pressured to stay close to them to handle things and it makes me furious that we turned down moving for good opportunities because we wanted to keep our promise. I am sure my sibling is getting a lot of money and gifts when I've never so much as gotten a birthday gift nor have my kids. I don't care about the money but I care about being lied to.

[Anonymous]

No because they don’t have it LOL!!

At least not for me. Every dollar they have is every dollar they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents paid for our wedding, gave us money for 2 down payments and help pay some of my kids' private school tuition every year. They also have set up significant 529 for my kids. I would not approach them for large purchases but mostly because we can afford our own expenses. They would gladly help us more but I would feel awkward asking. My ILs have not given us any help despite having the means.

Can you not afford those things?

+1

I will never understand aging parents who enable their grown adult children.

When the parents are wealthy, it is not viewed as enabling. It is viewed as a gift; an early inheritance. I completely understanding those whose parents are not wealthy turning their nose up at this, but it really a very different scenario when your parents have cash that will absolutely come your way when they die. They want to share it while they are alive, so they get to experience the benefit their gifts provide. We are financially successful (million $ homes, millions in retirement) but in the instances where my parents gave us a loan or a large gift, it was so they could share in the outcome of what they were providing.

I’m not wealthy and I don’t turn my nose up on it. I think it’s masked jealousy when no wealthy people make statements such as the one above yours.

It’s smart to share the wealth when their children first and foremost then give it to others + the govt

[Anonymous]

My parents are wealthy (several million, which we hope they spend on their needs). Maybe not tens of millions loaded, but enough to live they way they want for as long as they wa I expect to inherit somewhere between 1-3 million, depending on their end of life needs.

My siblings and I would never think of asking them for "help" - we are adults with our own families and we live within our means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are wealthy (several million, which we hope they spend on their needs). Maybe not tens of millions loaded, but enough to live they way they want for as long as they wa I expect to inherit somewhere between 1-3 million, depending on their end of life needs.

My siblings and I would never think of asking them for "help" - we are adults with our own families and we live within our means.

This is us. I just would never think to hit up my parents for a major expense like a house down payment. You buy the house you can afford.

Adults should never "need" help from their parents, emergencies and really bad luck aside. Asking your parents for $$ for a down payment because you had three kids with two teacher salaries and can't afford to move out of an apartment, not need, that's just irresponsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When the parents are wealthy, it is not viewed as enabling. It is viewed as a gift; an early inheritance. I completely understanding those whose parents are not wealthy turning their nose up at this, but it really a very different scenario when your parents have cash that will absolutely come your way when they die. They want to share it while they are alive, so they get to experience the benefit their gifts provide. We are financially successful (million $ homes, millions in retirement) but in the instances where my parents gave us a loan or a large gift, it was so they could share in the outcome of what they were providing.

It's also viewed as wise stewardship of money. My parents, through their lifetime exclusions/gifts and trusts and large insurance policies on each heir and principal, ensure that as little estate taxes are paid as possible. I support that, and the wisdom behind not wanting the Government to double dip on their success. I should note that my family is a big believer in charity, they make living donor pledges in the millions and 25% of their estate will go to charity. Annual gifts to the adult children always come with the request (but not requirement) that 10% is donated to charity. I take this personally and pledge 25% of what I get annually in gifting, to charity. I make enough to support myself (375K solo parent) so the gifts just go right into my estate for my children as they grow, I live on what I earn.

Exactly this. The grandparent help we received was given in life rather than waiting until death and inheritance. It's called "warm hand" giving and I definitely prefer this method and will practice this with my own children. They gave us gifts for our wedding, down payment on first house and a later gift for renovation of our 2nd house.

The wealthy parents spent the time and money to put together a comprehensive estate plan to minimize taxes and preserve wealth for future generations. Part of that plan is to pay gift-tax exempt expenses like tuition (not camps) and medical directly. They prioritized grandchildren's education and megafunded 529s in addition to K-12 tuition in order to reduce the taxable assets in their estate. They communicated the plan and ballpark figures so we could account for this in our own retirement planning.

+2. I've never asked my parents for help, but they have offered and we have accepted. DH and I both make mid 6-figure salaries and would be fine without the help.

The gifts have always been in the context of their estate planning. My grandparents did the same with my parents. My great grandparents gave my grandparents their home as a wedding gift outright. It makes some on here very angry to hear about this sort of intergenerational wealth, but it's reality and has nothing to do with the recipient/children's need - it's all about estate planning and wanting to see the benefits in your lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When the parents are wealthy, it is not viewed as enabling. It is viewed as a gift; an early inheritance. I completely understanding those whose parents are not wealthy turning their nose up at this, but it really a very different scenario when your parents have cash that will absolutely come your way when they die. They want to share it while they are alive, so they get to experience the benefit their gifts provide. We are financially successful (million $ homes, millions in retirement) but in the instances where my parents gave us a loan or a large gift, it was so they could share in the outcome of what they were providing.

It's also viewed as wise stewardship of money. My parents, through their lifetime exclusions/gifts and trusts and large insurance policies on each heir and principal, ensure that as little estate taxes are paid as possible. I support that, and the wisdom behind not wanting the Government to double dip on their success. I should note that my family is a big believer in charity, they make living donor pledges in the millions and 25% of their estate will go to charity. Annual gifts to the adult children always come with the request (but not requirement) that 10% is donated to charity. I take this personally and pledge 25% of what I get annually in gifting, to charity. I make enough to support myself (375K solo parent) so the gifts just go right into my estate for my children as they grow, I live on what I earn.

Exactly this. The grandparent help we received was given in life rather than waiting until death and inheritance. It's called "warm hand" giving and I definitely prefer this method and will practice this with my own children. They gave us gifts for our wedding, down payment on first house and a later gift for renovation of our 2nd house.

The wealthy parents spent the time and money to put together a comprehensive estate plan to minimize taxes and preserve wealth for future generations. Part of that plan is to pay gift-tax exempt expenses like tuition (not camps) and medical directly. They prioritized grandchildren's education and megafunded 529s in addition to K-12 tuition in order to reduce the taxable assets in their estate. They communicated the plan and ballpark figures so we could account for this in our own retirement planning.

+2. I've never asked my parents for help, but they have offered and we have accepted. DH and I both make mid 6-figure salaries and would be fine without the help.

The gifts have always been in the context of their estate planning. My grandparents did the same with my parents. My great grandparents gave my grandparents their home as a wedding gift outright. It makes some on here very angry to hear about this sort of intergenerational wealth, but it's reality and has nothing to do with the recipient/children's need - it's all about estate planning and wanting to see the benefits in your lifetime.

I can only speak for myself, but it makes me angry because you refuse to acknowledge the advantage that kind of intergenerational wealth gives you.

You claim you'd be fine without the help, but you've had it your whole life. It's baked into your high salaries and the life you lead. Trust me, if your parents didn't have those kinds of means and weren't that generous with you, you'd lead a very different life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you need help, you can’t afford it!

So you agree with the reverse, correct? Parents who need help from their kids need to figure it out on their own? You would never help your parents? Because that is cold and not in line with my view of family.

This is an intentionally dense response. We are not talking about emergency situations, they are talking about children asking for financial help
To put them into a situation they would not otherwise be able to afford - SFH, private school, etc.

Did you read this post? I did, some of the PPs were pretty clear that it is never acceptable. And my post didn't reference an emergency - there are many posters on the other thread about helping parents that stated quite clearly that helping family was not limited to emergency situations. Call me dense but it's pretty clear you didn't read the responses.

[Anonymous]

I would not ask for help unless it was CRITICAL or was something educational for the kids but not $5,000. Example: If I have a child accepted into a awesome program but it is financially out of reach and my child is fundraising money....we might ask for a donation to their fundraiser. If we are about to have our home foreclosed or need to borrow a certain amount for an emergency, yes, then I would ask them and they would give it. That's not something I would ever consider lightly, the repercussions for them would be potentially significant.

[Anonymous]

Adult children who want their parent's money will spin the "reason" or the "need" in a million different ways to make their argument legit:

"We can't afford day care and a down payment" ...ah you have three kids and both work low pay jobs AND send your kids to private school

"Rent is just so high now, and interest rates are so low"....from someone who 'traveled' for the bulk of their 20's and then chose a non profit job.

"Asking my parents for help actually healed our fractured relationship"...your parents will do anything to get their delinquent child back on track.

"They want to see us enjoy their gift now, not when they are dead!" ...get comfy with paying for your parent's nursing home monthly payments!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PSA, if you get $$ from your parent(s) TELL YOUR SIBLINGS. And parents, if you are giving $$ to one kid, make sure you offer the same amount to every child.

Uneven financial support is THE quickest and easiest way for to ruin sibling relationships.

I’ve watched it ruin once positive relationships between many sets of siblings. Including my husband’s.

If uneven financial assistance is a surefire path to strife among siblings, why would you disclose receipt of such help to your siblings?? It's your parents' money and they can do with it what they please; if that entails more (or exclusive) assistance to a struggling child, that's their choice. Parading the news around if you are the recipient is likely to cause the strife you suggest. Don't ask, don't tell!

DP. If the financial help is not disclosed, the other siblings will eventually find out anyway. People aren’t stupid and can do the math. Add alcohol and a few innocent questions at a family get together and you’ll find out. Has happened in my family and creates untold resentment. Parents can do whatever they want with their money, but it is not without consequences.

I seriously cannot fathom someone truly believing that keeping that kind of information from their siblings. It's so fundamentally unethical. Am I the only one who sees this as extremely devious of the "struggling" sibling?

Does free live-in childcare 2 days a week count as financial assistance?