Do you feel comfortable approaching your parents for help with large expenses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

When the parents are wealthy, it is not viewed as enabling. It is viewed as a gift; an early inheritance. I completely understanding those whose parents are not wealthy turning their nose up at this, but it really a very different scenario when your parents have cash that will absolutely come your way when they die. They want to share it while they are alive, so they get to experience the benefit their gifts provide. We are financially successful (million $ homes, millions in retirement) but in the instances where my parents gave us a loan or a large gift, it was so they could share in the outcome of what they were providing.

It's also viewed as wise stewardship of money. My parents, through their lifetime exclusions/gifts and trusts and large insurance policies on each heir and principal, ensure that as little estate taxes are paid as possible. I support that, and the wisdom behind not wanting the Government to double dip on their success. I should note that my family is a big believer in charity, they make living donor pledges in the millions and 25% of their estate will go to charity. Annual gifts to the adult children always come with the request (but not requirement) that 10% is donated to charity. I take this personally and pledge 25% of what I get annually in gifting, to charity. I make enough to support myself (375K solo parent) so the gifts just go right into my estate for my children as they grow, I live on what I earn.

Exactly this. The grandparent help we received was given in life rather than waiting until death and inheritance. It's called "warm hand" giving and I definitely prefer this method and will practice this with my own children. They gave us gifts for our wedding, down payment on first house and a later gift for renovation of our 2nd house.

The wealthy parents spent the time and money to put together a comprehensive estate plan to minimize taxes and preserve wealth for future generations. Part of that plan is to pay gift-tax exempt expenses like tuition (not camps) and medical directly. They prioritized grandchildren's education and megafunded 529s in addition to K-12 tuition in order to reduce the taxable assets in their estate. They communicated the plan and ballpark figures so we could account for this in our own retirement planning.

Just curious - are either PPs above financially successful in their own right or just living off of family money? DH and i both came from nothing and are self-made millionaires. Most of the people in our social circle do nothing but “invest” family money and clearly live off of their parents’ money. Seems pathetic to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless we were at risk of starving, I would never ask my parents for money. Adults pay their own way.

This.

I’m d sell my house, get my family into a studio if necessary. My parents have done enough. I’d never ask.

[Anonymous]

Exactly this. The grandparent help we received was given in life rather than waiting until death and inheritance. It's called "warm hand" giving and I definitely prefer this method and will practice this with my own children. They gave us gifts for our wedding, down payment on first house and a later gift for renovation of our 2nd house.

The wealthy parents spent the time and money to put together a comprehensive estate plan to minimize taxes and preserve wealth for future generations. Part of that plan is to pay gift-tax exempt expenses like tuition (not camps) and medical directly. They prioritized grandchildren's education and megafunded 529s in addition to K-12 tuition in order to reduce the taxable assets in their estate. They communicated the plan and ballpark figures so we could account for this in our own retirement planning.

Just curious - are either PPs above financially successful in their own right or just living off of family money? DH and i both came from nothing and are self-made millionaires. Most of the people in our social circle do nothing but “invest” family money and clearly live off of their parents’ money. Seems pathetic to me.

We have a HHI of $400k, DH makes 3/4 and I make 1/4. It's important to show the kids that we work and we discuss financial topics with them often. They will inherit so they need to understand money and how to use it wisely.

We've used family money over the years to pay for extras like a bigger house, renovations, cars, travel, private school tuition. Grandparents paid school directly before they passed away. They would give us the annual exclusion amount yearly, plus tuition. We'd get ~$24k in cash and ~$50k+ in tuition payments for 2 kids. Now we take about $50k annually in distributions and pay tuition with that or cash flow from income.

[Anonymous]

If you need help, you can’t afford it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. They would never give it. Maybe something like $20 if I promised to pay it back. Yes, $20-not a typo.

Omg do we have the same mother? I borrowed $5 from my mother once to buy a snack at a festival (I didn't have any cash on me) and later on she asked me to pay her back. I'm not kidding. And while my mother is not wealthy, she's comfortably middle class and far from destitute.

[Anonymous]

I have never once asked my parents for anything in my entire life. I did get college paid for, 20k for my wedding and a few nice trips. DH and I make our own money and I'd be too proud to ask for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. They would never give it. Maybe something like $20 if I promised to pay it back. Yes, $20-not a typo.

Omg do we have the same mother? I borrowed $5 from my mother once to buy a snack at a festival (I didn't have any cash on me) and later on she asked me to pay her back. I'm not kidding. And while my mother is not wealthy, she's comfortably middle class and far from destitute.

Same. My very UMC dad will stand back and let me pick up the tab every single time. And he's been doing it since I was 22 and made 40k. He won't do it in front of my mom, but definitely always when it's just us or just dh and him. I think it's sort of weird. Nothing cultural either.

[Anonymous]

No, why should I? Growing up, we helped each other out financially. I was literally helping out with household expenses working as a teenager. If they were financially wealthy, I'd have no reservations about asking if in need, nor would I refuse monetary gifts. My husband's parents choose to contribute towards kids' college funds, have given down payment on our house, and other monetary gifts all of their own choice. Not going to say no. Plan on helping out my own kids while I'm alive instead of after I'm dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, why should I? Growing up, we helped each other out financially. I was literally helping out with household expenses working as a teenager. If they were financially wealthy, I'd have no reservations about asking if in need, nor would I refuse monetary gifts. My husband's parents choose to contribute towards kids' college funds, have given down payment on our house, and other monetary gifts all of their own choice. Not going to say no. Plan on helping out my own kids while I'm alive instead of after I'm dead.

*Meaning yes, why wouldn't I.

[Anonymous]

I asked if they were planning to contribute to my wedding (since they had given my sisters money for their's) but did not ask them to cover everything.

When I was going through a divorce, they were at a point were they had told me and 1 sister that they planned to give us money (because they had given it to our other sister for something) but they wanted to wait until my financial settlement was done so none of it went to my ex. When it came time to buy my ex out of our house, I asked if I could have it to help with that. It made me really uncomfortable and embarrassed to ask though.

Other than that, I don't ask. They do typically give me money every year but it is never expected and never solicited. I usually put it in my kids' college accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monthly allotment? Whaaaa?

A lot of people on the RE have gotten $50,000 - $100,000 at a time for down payments as gifts from their parents. What's the difference between that and this? Far less expense.

This makes me so envious.

But anyway, to OP's question, no. I don't feel comfortable because my mother (my father is deceased) is very transactional with gifts and kindnesses of any kind and I'd most certainly pay dearly for asking for help with a large expense - or any expense. But I do hope as a parent I will be in a position to help my adult kids out when they need it and when I can reasonably afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. They would never give it. Maybe something like $20 if I promised to pay it back. Yes, $20-not a typo.

Omg do we have the same mother? I borrowed $5 from my mother once to buy a snack at a festival (I didn't have any cash on me) and later on she asked me to pay her back. I'm not kidding. And while my mother is not wealthy, she's comfortably middle class and far from destitute.

Same. My very UMC dad will stand back and let me pick up the tab every single time. And he's been doing it since I was 22 and made 40k. He won't do it in front of my mom, but definitely always when it's just us or just dh and him. I think it's sort of weird. Nothing cultural either.

Good to know I'm not alone, PPs. I've always been really envious but also curious about generous parents - the kind who help out their kids with down payments or even just taking their kids to the occasional dinner or lunch.

[Anonymous]

My mom bullied me all my life for asking for money for true necessities- like money for a car repair. I have lost jobs because i was too scared to ask her for money to get an uber even. I always bounced back though, having to take jobs i could walk to until i was able to fix my car myself and so on. Then she would bully me about losing my good job and takign the lesser one to survive- and i ask "Well you wouldn't have loaned me the money anyway" and that shuts her up- until next time.

Raised by narcissists here. Of course now I am the one comfortably well off and now SHE is trying to give me money NOW when she sees i did fine WITHOUT HER HELP. trying to brag she made an independent woman when all she did was make a woman who is terrified (or too proud) to ask for help and buckles down and solves all problems herself and would rather suffer and die than feel like they owe anyone (I know this is bad and I am working on this).

Damn, sorry y'all its early excuse my bad grammar this just pisses me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean any lump sum over $5,000 or monthly allotment nearing such.

For weddings, maybe childcare expenses, unplanned for home repairs, medical deductibles. Is it something you've gone to them before?

I almost choked on my coffee. Um, some of us have zero option there. My parents basically said adios when I turned 18 and have given me next to nothing since then. Not wedding. Not college. Certainly no home repairs or childcare expenses.

Count yourself lucky if you get anything. Mine don't so much as visit their grandkids. So money is not happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless we were at risk of starving, I would never ask my parents for money. Adults pay their own way.

This.

I’m d sell my house, get my family into a studio if necessary. My parents have done enough. I’d never ask.

Good for you. But, you'll be perennially in the worker bee class. Real wealth is generational wealth (Something we'll never have). I see my friends whose parents paid off homes, paid for vacations, paid for home repairs, paid for college . . . and it's why they are so much more ahead than we are. We pay for all those things ourselves. When they're investing their "Free money" we are paying off our home. I mean, that's great for them. But, I would not hesitate to turn down the offer of money if given. Sadly, it never will be.