My ADHD husband lets me down in every single possible logistical situation. Anyone else in a similar boat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a lawyer and financial divorce planner. You'll need to convince a judge to impute earning capacity to him so you don't have to support him long term. You will lose your assets but it's worth it to be rid of a man-baby.

Can OP put him on a financial plan where he gets, say, $3,500 per month to spend as he wishes, but no more, unless he has a good reason. Something like this may be the best option.

No. The best way is to get rid of this dud in the least painful way possible. Hire a good lawyer who can figure this out. Don’t keep deadweight like this around you for amy longer.

There is no ‘good lawyer’ who can magically figure this out. There are set parameters for these things. And then she’ll spend 100k on the lawyer too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have ADHD and am in charge of all of this stuff. Honestly, it doesn’t all get done and life goes on. Kids show up in uniforms on school picture day. I get an email from the school nurse and have to run kids to the drug store after school to get vaccines. Just this past weekend, I had a kid miss a rehearsal for the school play. I feel like I can keep on top of 90% of it (vet for the dog, meds, doctors, dentist, orthodontist, activity fees, mandatory volunteer hours, lacrosse sticks, mouthguards, what day the gym uniform needs to be clean, taxes, oil changes, ingredients for breakfast lunch and dinner, etc.), but the 10% I miss always feels like a failure.

It sucks, and I hate myself for it. I’m glad my spouse doesn’t hate me too.

I bet you're the mom. Why doesn't your spouse do more of the logistics since it's not your strength.

It’s not really his strength either. My husband does do some things. Honestly, he does most of the stuff that the OP describes. Why wouldn’t she submit the medical reimbursement forms? Aren’t those through her work?

It kind of feels to me like the OP blames her husband anytime anything slips through the cracks instead of just saying that this is life and things get missed.

[Anonymous]

I’m coming back to this thread to see if I can be helpful. If you don’t want to divorce, here’s what you should do.

Odds are pretty good one of your kids will also have adjd so you need to educate yourself on it. Sadly it sounds like his parents did not and did not give him tj appropriate supports to learn how to manage his condition. Get a book or two on adhd and read it. Then build some structures that will help him do what he needs to do. Electronic calendars with reminders. Lists. Routines. Stuff on autopay. Get him an executive function coach for a few months. You’re likely going to have to do this for one of your kids anyway so do it now and maybe it will save you a lot of time and energy in divorce. There might be stuff you still have to help him with but with the appropriate structure he can do most of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These ADHD men do this because they can.

I am a mom and wife with diagnosed ADHD. I work full time and it still fell on me to sign my kids up for 5 different summer programs to cover the summer and our working hours. My husband does not have ADHD, makes similar money to me, and has little idea what our kids are doing this summer. I think this is a man thing, unfortunately.

Misogyny for the win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is he on non-logistical stuff? If he was handling all/most school drop offs and pickups, cooking dinner, cleaning, doing laundry, and taking care of the kids for a big chunk of one weekend day that you had to yourself, then this is manageable. You basically would have a SAHP and your only responsibilities would be the logistical stuff (paperwork, planning, appointments, etc) and that could be an okay balance.

If you’re also doing all that stuff, I’d divorce even if I had to move out of the city (and I’m a city person). That’s just not tenable and the resentment would kill me.

This ,try and swap roles and see it that works. But you also need to talk to him about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing to me how many men develop ADHD (always diagnosed by the wife) after marriage and never while dating or just living together. It's truly a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you’re giving him tasks he obviously can’t handle. Outsource as much of these as possible. What can he do? Give him those tasks.

If he’s the SAHP, OP should not have to do all of the mental labor. Absolutely not.

I have ADHD and I know severity and presentation varies, but he needs to find his motivation. Is it consequences? Can you throw medication, coaching, choice architecture at things for him? Most people learn themselves pretty well by mid-life and can figure out their own scaffolding, even if it means they will still only function at 75%.

I know you’re probably at the end of your rope, but shame is your worst enemy here. ADHDers cannot function in a fog of shame of their shortcomings.

I like that last sentence, PP. My wife divorced me because of my ADHD even though I was doing the majority of scheduling, activities, bills, social events, and chores. She just got hung up on the random ADHD misses and basically grew to hate anything about ADHD. I ended up with custody because the kids also have ADHD and she just couldn't accept it enough to help them develop tools to succeed.

That breaks my heart for you, PP. The stigma surrounding ADHD is so harmful. And of course the kids inherit it and the cycle of shame and judgment continues. We need to run off and live in a beautifully chaotic colony full of crazy ass side projects. Society couldn’t function without us, yet we are continually told that we’re not worthy unless we are good at boring administrative tasks. I’m glad your kids have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how many men develop ADHD (always diagnosed by the wife) after marriage and never while dating or just living together. It's truly a mystery.

You do realize that having kids completely destroys the systems that people with ADHD developed, right? Your responsibilities and the stress put on your executive functioning increases exponentially. That’s also why so many smart women in mid-life are diagnosed… multiple kids plus hormone changes makes everything completely unsustainable when to the outside world you seem “fine”.

[Anonymous]

Here we go again.

The IRS will not consider it a defense when you're charged penalties because you gave it to your ADHD spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how many men develop ADHD (always diagnosed by the wife) after marriage and never while dating or just living together. It's truly a mystery.

You do realize that having kids completely destroys the systems that people with ADHD developed, right? Your responsibilities and the stress put on your executive functioning increases exponentially. That’s also why so many smart women in mid-life are diagnosed… multiple kids plus hormone changes makes everything completely unsustainable when to the outside world you seem “fine”.

No, it doesn't. That's just what you tell yourself so you have to take no accountability and admit that you picked an imperfect person (but there is no such thing anyway).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how many men develop ADHD (always diagnosed by the wife) after marriage and never while dating or just living together. It's truly a mystery.

You do realize that having kids completely destroys the systems that people with ADHD developed, right? Your responsibilities and the stress put on your executive functioning increases exponentially. That’s also why so many smart women in mid-life are diagnosed… multiple kids plus hormone changes makes everything completely unsustainable when to the outside world you seem “fine”.

No, it doesn't. That's just what you tell yourself so you have to take no accountability and admit that you picked an imperfect person (but there is no such thing anyway).

Here we go. Have fun walking through life like this. You know, 99% of people become disabled at some point in their lives if they live long enough. May you be shown as much compassion, curiosity, and understanding as you give, PP. But by god, if you die being “right” then go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m coming back to this thread to see if I can be helpful. If you don’t want to divorce, here’s what you should do.

Odds are pretty good one of your kids will also have adjd so you need to educate yourself on it. Sadly it sounds like his parents did not and did not give him tj appropriate supports to learn how to manage his condition. Get a book or two on adhd and read it. Then build some structures that will help him do what he needs to do. Electronic calendars with reminders. Lists. Routines. Stuff on autopay. Get him an executive function coach for a few months. You’re likely going to have to do this for one of your kids anyway so do it now and maybe it will save you a lot of time and energy in divorce. There might be stuff you still have to help him with but with the appropriate structure he can do most of this.

op - yes. Very much done. I am my child's mother and he has a great deal of support. But while I have done many of the things you describe, there is a limit. I am not my husband's mother. I can autopay and remind him but he is a 46 year old man and I have a 10 hour a day job and I am not going to hand hold him through grocery shopping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn’t your husband have a job?
Is he unable to hold a job due to his condition??

If he isn’t employed then he has zero excuse for not being able to submit forms, etc.

What the heck does he do all day long??!

I would assume that he takes care of the house/apartment and kids. I don’t really assume that most SAHPs file taxes and are in charge of the HSA.

If he wasn’t taking the kids to school and activities, or he wasn’t doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, then I can see being upset. It seems kind of odd to me to put the ADD partner in charge of doing the taxes and expecting them to get filed in March.

Well according to every post on here about how much value stay at home parents bring, usually every sahm lists “handling the finances” as one of things they do.

Op your husband isn’t fulfilling his duty as the stay at home parent. Time for him to go back to work!! Then divorce him.