MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner
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Anonymous
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What would you do to handle this situation -
My mil historically overstays and is quite intrusive. Examples: she has literally invited herself on a vacation with us without telling us by buying her own ticket and showing up. Then there are your more standard things like coming over unannounced, coming to our house when we are not there to poke around, inviting herself to dinner when my DH and I say we are going out. Like she will literally say “oh I’ll come!” And grab her purse so the only way to disinvite her is to say “actually we are just going alone.” And then she asks ok, purses her lips, and gets this sullen look on her face like we’ve deeply offended her. I get it, she’s lonely and wants company. We already see her at least once a week. Over the years much better boundaries have been put in place so it is manageable. One morning she texted asking if she could bring a dish by in the afternoon. So kind of her. Great. So I said yes, and thank you. She ends up coming around 5p and then gets comfortable in the house. Then she lingers as I begin to make dinner, does not take any cues like “thanks so much for bringing over food. We will see you soon.” She literally just sits back down. It is clear she is staying for dinner. So what would you do? On the one hand it’s one dinner and no big deal and I can have grace and be a kind host. On the other hand the overarching history of behavior makes it really triggering for me. This is something I need to constantly deal with. On top of it, I am recovering from something and really did not want her company during this time. In addition, my kids and dh literally vacationed with her the last 9 days and spent every day with her so it’s not like she hasn’t seen us and is just missing them. I have also, including my husband, had numerous candid and kind conversations with her around this type of overbearing behavior. Sometimes it helps a little, but over all I think it’s engrained in her and she will persist. It just makes it really difficult for me to be around her because there is this constant more more more energy. Help a girl out. I’m looking for real advice here to help me handle this ongoing behavior better and without getting so frustrated. |
Anonymous
| The time to say no was when she called offering to bring something for dinner. |
Anonymous
+1 You have to stay one step ahead of her. How does she know when/where you vacation? Keep the answers vague “oh we don’t know yet, we might do a spur of the moment road trip.” And if your husband disagrees with the strategy, then you have a husband problem. But if she’s of those grandparents that provides free childcare and other perks like some grandparents do, like helping with tuition, then you might have to bite the bullet. |
Anonymous
| Do you have any weekly standing dates with her or is it all casual? |
Anonymous
Op here. You’re right. I was actually trying on that approach where you don’t hold stories about people over their heads and treat them as such, but instead try to approach it with an open mind. It actually occurred to me when she texted that this might be a tactic to have a get together when she knows it is a bit much as she hosted a group lunch at her house yesterday for 4 hrs. I guess I am learning she is patterned in this and she is not the type of person to approach with this type of mindset. It just sucks because it’s exhausting to have to be so vigilant around someone. Uhggg why can’t people just have better boundaries. |
Anonymous
| Set her up with a grandfather |
Anonymous
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I see how you’re frustrated with this level of her being overbearing and pouty, but honestly, OP? She’s clearly lonely and wants to spend time with your family, so don’t accept her offer of dinner unless you’re willing to offer her a seat at the table.
Overall, find ways to build her in in a way that is inclusive but also convenient for you: plan it, set it and then on the “off times” when you’re not prepared to hang out with her, just say “but we’re looking forward to Sunday dinner” or whatever the next plan is. Just build her in and then it will be easier for you both to feel more secure of when she will be welcome. |
Anonymous
| You need to move far away. Not kidding, I moved from Europe to the US to escape an overbearing and hypercritical mother. |
Anonymous
| So what? let her linger. She is family. You continue doing what you have to do. |
Anonymous
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Yes, you should have said no to the dish. Obviously she was going to do that! And limit what information she has about your vacations, including making last-minute changes that the kids don't know about.
The best thing to do is force your DH to deal with her, by leaving. Just go. I know it sucks to be forced out of your own house, but your DH will not deal with this unless you dump it in his lap and make it unpleasant for him. And change your locks! |
Anonymous
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1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands." 3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc. |
Anonymous
| She your husband’s mother. Show some respect. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Respect is earned. MIL has been extremely rude and disrespectful, so your comment does not apply. |
Anonymous
| From your OP you said she offered to bring something for dinner. You did not say she offered to drop anything off. The former implies she is staying and you did not clarify otherwise. |