MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

Why don't you invite her to stay for dinner? You obviously are not clueless about what she wants -- you just don't want to give it to her. "Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond" -- wtf? She's a lonely person who also is your MIL and you cannot figure out how to invite her over so she will be less lonely? You don't understand her connection to you, your DH or your kids? How can anyone be that dense. Are you on the spectrum OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

[Anonymous]

This is so hard. I'm bad at setting boundaries and repeating things over and over. I have a relative like this - didn't tell them about my vacation and they bought a ticket and showed up uninvited. Fortunately, they do not live close by; I have gone minimal contact with them. You are a better person than me trying to make it work!

On repeat: I'm sorry, Larla, we need to have some time with just our family right now. We'll see you Sunday.

Stand up and walk to the door and open it. Stay there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

Why don't you invite her to stay for dinner? You obviously are not clueless about what she wants -- you just don't want to give it to her. "Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond" -- wtf? She's a lonely person who also is your MIL and you cannot figure out how to invite her over so she will be less lonely? You don't understand her connection to you, your DH or your kids? How can anyone be that dense. Are you on the spectrum OP?

I didn’t invite her to stay for dinner for multiple reasons:
- she spent the last 9 days with my family. Sharing every single meal, except yesterday where she shared just lunch.
- I am recovering from something sensitive and did not feel like hosting anyone.
- she came under the pretense of “dropping something off” and I did not have the bandwidth to pivot

Yes I’m entirely clear of her connection to us which is why she shared a vacation with our family for the last 9 days. And why I am asking for tips and advice on how to field this in a mindful way. Jeez

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

Respect is earned. MIL has been extremely rude and disrespectful, so your comment does not apply.

No, you show deference and respect to elders. Bullshit with this idea she has to “earn” OP’s respect. Wow. Were you raised wrong?

PP you replied to. I was raised in very traditional family structures on both my mother and father's side where some elders abused their children. I learned from personal experience, and witnessing other relatives' experiences, that respect is earned.

Showing deference to elders stops when said elder pushes boundaries. I defer to my lovely MIL, FIL and to my father, who all know exactly where they stand. I do not defer to my mother, whose untreated anxiety makes her verbally abusive and hypercontrolling. She was abused herself as a child by members of her family.

Check yourself, PP.

Clearly you weren’t raised right like PP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

You mean OP should hide in the bushes and look in her windows with binoculars? Because God forbid she actually interact with her.

What is wrong with you women? You are so cold and calculating and cut off from the most basic relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

Why don't you invite her to stay for dinner? You obviously are not clueless about what she wants -- you just don't want to give it to her. "Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond" -- wtf? She's a lonely person who also is your MIL and you cannot figure out how to invite her over so she will be less lonely? You don't understand her connection to you, your DH or your kids? How can anyone be that dense. Are you on the spectrum OP?

I didn’t invite her to stay for dinner for multiple reasons:
- she spent the last 9 days with my family. Sharing every single meal, except yesterday where she shared just lunch.
- I am recovering from something sensitive and did not feel like hosting anyone.
- she came under the pretense of “dropping something off” and I did not have the bandwidth to pivot

Yes I’m entirely clear of her connection to us which is why she shared a vacation with our family for the last 9 days. And why I am asking for tips and advice on how to field this in a mindful way. Jeez

So she spent 9 days with you, got connected and misses being around you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what? let her linger. She is family. You continue doing what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.

You seem like a nice person and I really believe that this person is overstepping. Something you said struck me -- that she could literally spend every day with you all and still not be satisfied.

If you find yourself feeling like a person is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom -- no matter how much you pour in, it will never be enough -- this is a person with borderline personality disorder. These people have a fear of abandonment and a desperate need to stay connected.

They don't change, but they do respond to very strict boundaries. Don't ever assume -- you have to be clear with her and push back when you don't want her around. Otherwise she will literally be there all the time and it still won't be enough to satisfy her need.

The people responding that you should be kinder probably don't have someone like this in their life. They have no clue how stressful and disturbing it is.

Read up on Borderline and see if it resonates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she cooked the meal and brought it over, I don't think it's too much to expect for her to be invited to stay and eat. I would love it if someone did that for me.

Right? Especially if she's a good cook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're so lucky to have a MIL you despise. Someone women have nothing to post about on DCUM.

I don’t despise her. Just seeking advice on how to interact with someone who is an important part of our lives and also lacks boundaries. I want to live harmoniously with her and also not suffocate while doing so. People have decent tips.

Is she widowed?

Where are your parents? Are your parents married, do they visit often or at all?

[Anonymous]

Does she provide free babysitting?

Honestly, unless I missed it while scanning 3 pages of this thread, she doesn't sound toxic. Clingy, sure.

That said, I know tons of couples who remain super close with their parents or in-laws, have them over a couple of times a week, and the parents are free baby sitters for the kids -- a perk most working parents would kill for.

[Anonymous]

Ah, I have a mil like this who lives nearby. Op, you are a much kinder person than me. I have already dropped the rope, long ago, and DH does all the communications and making of plans.