MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner

[Anonymous]

"Okay, well I'm going to start chores now. Do you need anything else before you LEAVE? No? Ok, have a lovely evening, BYE."

[Anonymous]

Enjoy her while she is still alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy her while she is still alive.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!

You and all of your friends will be old one day, if you're lucky, and then you will be forgetting how to use the phone to call your friends or forgetting how to answer it when it rings. None of you will be able to have a full life being social. Have fun with the aide your DS and DIL pay for to keep your butt free of urine on a schedule instead of when you need it. She has boundaries, too, and she will keep them -- especially with no loved ones around to check up on you or your aide. Not only does she know how to keep boundaries but she won't give a crap about social cues, either -- you'll be left in bed or parked in front of the tv no matter how much of a clue you try to give her that you want something else, no matter how much time you spend trying to impress on her that YOU have the upper hand goddamn it, not her. She won't read those social cues. Have fun with that, PP.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried setting aside one evening a week to have grandma over for dinner?

[Anonymous]

In my experience, people who do this really don’t care about what the other people want or enjoy. You are subservient role players in their image of what they want to do, They have little empathy and are laser focused on ensuring their desires are always met. This is why politely declining or graciously redirecting never works! They fundamentally don’t give a crap whether you have other things to do, didn’t invite them, don’t feel well or whatever. It’s never about you, it’s always about them.

They are also always searching for weaknesses. If you give in, they don’t think gee I really appreciate this and I’ll be mindful not to intrude again. Nope! They get a little dopamine hit that “ yeah, that worked! I got my way!” and they will 100% do it again and again.

They will think up pretenses. They aren’t bringing over a dish because they are thoughtful. No way, it’s a pretense to invite themselves over to dinner when they want regardless of your schedule.

I really think it’s a personality disorder that gets worse as it’s enabled. Especially, the anxious panic of constant calling if they don’t get their way. They enjoy the control, winning the game they are playing, and feeling important when they put their wants over your needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

What a beeitch you are!

No I'm just a person very comfortable with setting boundaries. That means when I give, I am always happy to do it and never ever resentful or feeling used.

We cannot wait until you are in your 70s. Cannot wait.

Why, what do you think is going to happen? I'll try to passive-aggressively push my way in to places I'm not wanted? Lol, fat chance. I have a rich life with great friends of all ages now, and look forward to being retired and super busy. I will fit in time for my family sometimes, but my life won't revolve around them.

And everyone will know why you want to spend so much time with them -- because you don't have much of a family life. How sad. "We let her hang out with us but we have to make sure to have serious boundaries with her because we have our own families to spend time with." "I know, it's so sad that she keeps fishing for invitations and ways to socialize. I feel sorry for her so I usually try to come up with a way do do something with her once a month. It's like charity." "I feel so fortunate to have my family in my life! To think I could have ended up a pathetic old woman trying to pretend friendships are more important than family!" "There but for the grace of God go I." "I know!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!

You and all of your friends will be old one day, if you're lucky, and then you will be forgetting how to use the phone to call your friends or forgetting how to answer it when it rings. None of you will be able to have a full life being social. Have fun with the aide your DS and DIL pay for to keep your butt free of urine on a schedule instead of when you need it. She has boundaries, too, and she will keep them -- especially with no loved ones around to check up on you or your aide. Not only does she know how to keep boundaries but she won't give a crap about social cues, either -- you'll be left in bed or parked in front of the tv no matter how much of a clue you try to give her that you want something else, no matter how much time you spend trying to impress on her that YOU have the upper hand goddamn it, not her. She won't read those social cues. Have fun with that, PP.

This totally misses the point of OPs post. Her MIL is not housebound and incontinent. She should be driving to friends houses to hang out or having dinner with them while she still can. Of course there comes a time where you are housebound and rely on family or an aide to take care of you, but her MIL isn’t there yet. I adore my parents, but I certainly don’t want them sitting around in my house for hours a day. We see my parents once a week for dinner and the rest of the time I expect them to keep themselves busy with their friends, activities, and travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to move far away. Not kidding, I moved from Europe to the US to escape an overbearing and hypercritical mother.

We have not heard that this mother is hypercritical, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your OP you said she offered to bring something for dinner. You did not say she offered to drop anything off. The former implies she is staying and you did not clarify otherwise.

it is, literally, in the title of the post!

[Anonymous]

Next time tell her you all aren't home and to drop it off on your porch. Doesn't matter if you are home, do not answer door or let her in.

[Anonymous]

You now know her "favors" come with strings. Only accept a favor when you are in the mood for the strings. Sure it's manipulative of her because she's not just saying "I'm lonely and want to visit." Instead she's creating guilt because what kind of person accepts free food and won't chat with you for a while?

In my family all favors and gifts (birthday gifts, etc) come with major unspoken strings that may not come up immediately, but they will be dangled and used to manipulate.This happens even when they do nice things for my kids or give them gifts. So we don't accept favors and we have a no gifts policy. It didn't go over well for quite a while, but it eventually shut down a lot of draining dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, people who do this really don’t care about what the other people want or enjoy. You are subservient role players in their image of what they want to do, They have little empathy and are laser focused on ensuring their desires are always met. This is why politely declining or graciously redirecting never works! They fundamentally don’t give a crap whether you have other things to do, didn’t invite them, don’t feel well or whatever. It’s never about you, it’s always about them.

They are also always searching for weaknesses. If you give in, they don’t think gee I really appreciate this and I’ll be mindful not to intrude again. Nope! They get a little dopamine hit that “ yeah, that worked! I got my way!” and they will 100% do it again and again.

They will think up pretenses. They aren’t bringing over a dish because they are thoughtful. No way, it’s a pretense to invite themselves over to dinner when they want regardless of your schedule.

I really think it’s a personality disorder that gets worse as it’s enabled. Especially, the anxious panic of constant calling if they don’t get their way. They enjoy the control, winning the game they are playing, and feeling important when they put their wants over your needs.

Op here - yes, this describes what happens when I do x versus y exactly.

Regarding finances for all those posting - my dh and I do not come from very different financial backgrounds, although my parents were immigrants and it’s definitely a rags to riches story for my family of origin.

My husbands assets from family are well protected in trusts, and I have no eye for them. There is a deal with the devil you make when you bring that type of transactional dynamic into a marriage and I’m not into it.

I am a minority though and my dh is white. My mil makes judgmental comments about other races lifestyles and ways of being in a tone that is incredulous and derogatory. She is basically a very subtle oblivious racist. Some of it is personality, some generational. She is all around quite judgmental though so it is what it is with her around all that.

She can be pleasant too. Thanks for the tips. Next time I will listen to my intuition instead of just rolling with it. I just wanted to get some other perspective. Def got a lot!!!

[Anonymous]

In the words of Bethenny Frankel, “No one gets out without paying the bill.”

If you want the free food but not her company, you are a fool. If she makes your family a meal and you want it, offer her a seat at the table. If you don’t want her presence, decline.

Don’t accept favors without giving her the consideration of at least a short visit, but if it’s short, at least make it warm and inviting. Make her a cup of tea. Then usher her out the door.

Don’t be selfish and cold and accept her help and generosity but give nothing in return. Come on. Don’t be like that. You know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!

You and all of your friends will be old one day, if you're lucky, and then you will be forgetting how to use the phone to call your friends or forgetting how to answer it when it rings. None of you will be able to have a full life being social. Have fun with the aide your DS and DIL pay for to keep your butt free of urine on a schedule instead of when you need it. She has boundaries, too, and she will keep them -- especially with no loved ones around to check up on you or your aide. Not only does she know how to keep boundaries but she won't give a crap about social cues, either -- you'll be left in bed or parked in front of the tv no matter how much of a clue you try to give her that you want something else, no matter how much time you spend trying to impress on her that YOU have the upper hand goddamn it, not her. She won't read those social cues. Have fun with that, PP.

How old are we talking here? My parents are both early-mid eighties, and they know how to use a phone and have a more active social life than I do! My father just drove to California from the Midwest to visit relatives; my mother has plans with friends for every day that he's gone. They're planning a trip to SE Asia soon. I think you're underestimating what older people are capable of.