MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

You mean OP should hide in the bushes and look in her windows with binoculars? Because God forbid she actually interact with her.

OP is doing plenty of interacting, they just spent 9 days together! She could ask, casually. She could check the fridge when MIL hosts, which seems to be often.

Food insecurity is probably not the issue here, I admit. But it's a thing to keep in mind when an older person keeps turning up at meals. Even if they have money, they get bad at eating regularly by themselves.

Just to clear this up - my mil is wealthy and quite comfortable. Food insecurity definitely not an issue!

Is your marriage interfaith or interracial, by chance? Or did your trust fund husband marry down?

This reads like your MIL considers you to be a mere low caste baby maker her son used to produce grandkids; she views you as lesser than, akin to cattle. She’s orbiting her son and heirs, not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.

You seem like a nice person and I really believe that this person is overstepping. Something you said struck me -- that she could literally spend every day with you all and still not be satisfied.

If you find yourself feeling like a person is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom -- no matter how much you pour in, it will never be enough -- this is a person with borderline personality disorder. These people have a fear of abandonment and a desperate need to stay connected.

They don't change, but they do respond to very strict boundaries. Don't ever assume -- you have to be clear with her and push back when you don't want her around. Otherwise she will literally be there all the time and it still won't be enough to satisfy her need.

The people responding that you should be kinder probably don't have someone like this in their life. They have no clue how stressful and disturbing it is.

Read up on Borderline and see if it resonates.

Interesting… yes, she very much is like a bucket with absolutely no bottom. What I didn’t mention, because I didn’t think it was relevant to the story, is that for the first 7 years of marriage I absolutely poured into the bucket with no hesitation. I saw how lonely she was, despite being married - I think the emptiness of her marriage makes it worse actually, so I included her in things and was happy to accommodate her every push. Basically I was a pushover but a happy one because I don’t mind including others if it makes them happy.

It took many experiences to realize that she was actually totally self absorbed and oblivious to other people’s needs and boundaries if they interfered with her wants.

A turning point for me was when I had a series of chrinic health issue that involved a couple major surgery a few years back and was bedridden for a week after each surgery. She did not once ask me how I was doing, and instead spent the ensuing days of my recovery insisting that dh and child come over soon. She literally once called every hour from morning until afternoon until they came over. That plus a hundred other experiences. I could not believe that someone I held so dear, included in nearly every outing and vacation, planned girls days with, would literally just gloss over me so readily when I finally had a need. That’s when I realized i basically existed as a function of having her needs met, and not as a real person she wanted to connect with and have real friendship with.

Wow, that's a lot to leave out of the story.

What OP left out of the story is she’s walking on eggshells and indulging the nutty mother in law because there’s a fat inheritance at stake. If the MIL was piss poor OP not only wouldn’t take her calls, they wouldn’t live anywhere near her in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

What a beeitch you are!

No I'm just a person very comfortable with setting boundaries. That means when I give, I am always happy to do it and never ever resentful or feeling used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

You mean OP should hide in the bushes and look in her windows with binoculars? Because God forbid she actually interact with her.

OP is doing plenty of interacting, they just spent 9 days together! She could ask, casually. She could check the fridge when MIL hosts, which seems to be often.

Food insecurity is probably not the issue here, I admit. But it's a thing to keep in mind when an older person keeps turning up at meals. Even if they have money, they get bad at eating regularly by themselves.

Just to clear this up - my mil is wealthy and quite comfortable. Food insecurity definitely not an issue!

Is your marriage interfaith or interracial, by chance? Or did your trust fund husband marry down?

This reads like your MIL considers you to be a mere low caste baby maker her son used to produce grandkids; she views you as lesser than, akin to cattle. She’s orbiting her son and heirs, not you.

This is more common than people realize. Daughter in laws are basically considered surrogates. If you drop dead or disappear after grandkids pop out they couldn’t care less.

[Anonymous]

My dad is a bit like that, I always offer to pick stuff up and drop stuff off rather than letting him do it as I have more control I see my time this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

What a beeitch you are!

No I'm just a person very comfortable with setting boundaries. That means when I give, I am always happy to do it and never ever resentful or feeling used.

We cannot wait until you are in your 70s. Cannot wait.

[Anonymous]

It's ALWAYS the mother or mother in law. Terrible thing to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

You mean OP should hide in the bushes and look in her windows with binoculars? Because God forbid she actually interact with her.

OP is doing plenty of interacting, they just spent 9 days together! She could ask, casually. She could check the fridge when MIL hosts, which seems to be often.

Food insecurity is probably not the issue here, I admit. But it's a thing to keep in mind when an older person keeps turning up at meals. Even if they have money, they get bad at eating regularly by themselves.

Just to clear this up - my mil is wealthy and quite comfortable. Food insecurity definitely not an issue!

Is your marriage interfaith or interracial, by chance? Or did your trust fund husband marry down?

This reads like your MIL considers you to be a mere low caste baby maker her son used to produce grandkids; she views you as lesser than, akin to cattle. She’s orbiting her son and heirs, not you.

This is more common than people realize. Daughter in laws are basically considered surrogates. If you drop dead or disappear after grandkids pop out they couldn’t care less.

My SIL is definitely not “low caste” and she is nice and all but honestly indont care for her to be present and she brings the unwanted dynamic as everyone is trying to lowkey please her. Much easier when she isn’t around.

[Anonymous]

“. She views OP as basically a delivery mechanism or access point for the people she really cares about: her own son and grandchild. ”

Don’t we all view ILs this way? Some of us are decent enough to pretend that we don’t, and to show some interest, but let’s be honest?

[Anonymous]

Honestly I’d just send DH and kid over to her as often as I’d like to be alone

[Anonymous]

I don't see her overstepping any boundaries. Yes, it sounds like a lot especially compared to those of us that have no family nearby, but man. She really loves spending time with you.

Why not redirect her energy in a way that helps her look forward to a visit. E.g. every Sunday dinner. Driving the kids to school, etc. That's what I've done with my parents. I give them purpose and put them to work. They see one of us daily. Not always me because that's too much for me, but they see one of the kids or my husband every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.

You seem like a nice person and I really believe that this person is overstepping. Something you said struck me -- that she could literally spend every day with you all and still not be satisfied.

If you find yourself feeling like a person is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom -- no matter how much you pour in, it will never be enough -- this is a person with borderline personality disorder. These people have a fear of abandonment and a desperate need to stay connected.

They don't change, but they do respond to very strict boundaries. Don't ever assume -- you have to be clear with her and push back when you don't want her around. Otherwise she will literally be there all the time and it still won't be enough to satisfy her need.

The people responding that you should be kinder probably don't have someone like this in their life. They have no clue how stressful and disturbing it is.

Read up on Borderline and see if it resonates.

Interesting… yes, she very much is like a bucket with absolutely no bottom. What I didn’t mention, because I didn’t think it was relevant to the story, is that for the first 7 years of marriage I absolutely poured into the bucket with no hesitation. I saw how lonely she was, despite being married - I think the emptiness of her marriage makes it worse actually, so I included her in things and was happy to accommodate her every push. Basically I was a pushover but a happy one because I don’t mind including others if it makes them happy.

It took many experiences to realize that she was actually totally self absorbed and oblivious to other people’s needs and boundaries if they interfered with her wants.

A turning point for me was when I had a series of chrinic health issue that involved a couple major surgery a few years back and was bedridden for a week after each surgery. She did not once ask me how I was doing, and instead spent the ensuing days of my recovery insisting that dh and child come over soon. She literally once called every hour from morning until afternoon until they came over. That plus a hundred other experiences. I could not believe that someone I held so dear, included in nearly every outing and vacation, planned girls days with, would literally just gloss over me so readily when I finally had a need. That’s when I realized i basically existed as a function of having her needs met, and not as a real person she wanted to connect with and have real friendship with.

Some people aren't great with medical stuff. Any other examples of her panicking and running away from close relatives with medical issues?

Other examples like this of how she's treated you?

[Anonymous]

The next time she malingers is a good time to scrub the toilets and then request that she helps do the other ones.
Or bust out the garden tools and ask her to start shoveling to help with the flower bed project.
Better yet, get out your drill gun because it's time to put up some shelves in the garage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

What a beeitch you are!

No I'm just a person very comfortable with setting boundaries. That means when I give, I am always happy to do it and never ever resentful or feeling used.

We cannot wait until you are in your 70s. Cannot wait.

Why, what do you think is going to happen? I'll try to passive-aggressively push my way in to places I'm not wanted? Lol, fat chance. I have a rich life with great friends of all ages now, and look forward to being retired and super busy. I will fit in time for my family sometimes, but my life won't revolve around them.

[Anonymous]

I would invite her to stay for dinner.