MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner

[Anonymous]

Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

Correct. The person who may be hit hardest with this is your husband. It's very hard as a grown-up to start restricting info with a parent if you've lived a trusting relationship with them as a child. I had to learn to keep my mother at arm's length.

[Anonymous]

Anything you accept - you need to have an end time. And you need to develop the guts to say it - that's on you.

"Mary that would be so nice. If it's before 5pm. I'll need to wrap up our visit by 5pm." And escort her out the door.

She should not have a key to your house. You should not to opening the door just because she knocks. If you don't expect her, that's on you. On you to decide if you answer or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

What a beeitch you are!

[Anonymous]

If she cooked the meal and brought it over, I don't think it's too much to expect for her to be invited to stay and eat. I would love it if someone did that for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

Respect is earned. MIL has been extremely rude and disrespectful, so your comment does not apply.

No, you show deference and respect to elders. Bullshit with this idea she has to “earn” OP’s respect. Wow. Were you raised wrong?

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that if she drops something off, unless you guys are leaving for a scheduled appointment or event of some kind, she’s staying for a few hours and the next meal.

[Anonymous]

Graciously push back be firm and say no. Her behavior is very manipulative.
Also, continue to let your husband know how you feel - he probably will also need to reinforce and establish firmer boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

Respect is earned. MIL has been extremely rude and disrespectful, so your comment does not apply.

No, you show deference and respect to elders. Bullshit with this idea she has to “earn” OP’s respect. Wow. Were you raised wrong?

PP you replied to. I was raised in very traditional family structures on both my mother and father's side where some elders abused their children. I learned from personal experience, and witnessing other relatives' experiences, that respect is earned.

Showing deference to elders stops when said elder pushes boundaries. I defer to my lovely MIL, FIL and to my father, who all know exactly where they stand. I do not defer to my mother, whose untreated anxiety makes her verbally abusive and hypercontrolling. She was abused herself as a child by members of her family.

Check yourself, PP.

[Anonymous]

You and your DH need to *generally* agree on how much togetherness is appropriate. It may not be the same every week but you need an understanding of what is average/ordinary.

A once a week visit for 2 hours? Whatever. You two decide. You have *got* to be willing to be the work. Not just complain. Know your own minds and then establish a routine. Stick to it, long enough, that it is recognized as a routine.It's just lazy if you're not doing it.

[Anonymous]

Ohh this would drive me crazy on so many levels!!! The constant being on, the not knowing what to expect, the rudeness of it all. The options I would consider -
1. Move far away. I’m not kidding. This saved our marriage with a similarly overbearing MIL. It was the best thing we ever did for our family.
2. Dump her on your husband and kids. Do not engage nor provide entertainment for her if she is doing this and you’re there with her. Be as boring as possible, borderline rude. Remember that she is being rude as well but doesn’t care.
3. Once a week visits with her are more than enough. Your DH can field the rest.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

[Anonymous]

You're so lucky to have a MIL you despise. Someone women have nothing to post about on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ohh this would drive me crazy on so many levels!!! The constant being on, the not knowing what to expect, the rudeness of it all. The options I would consider -
1. Move far away. I’m not kidding. This saved our marriage with a similarly overbearing MIL. It was the best thing we ever did for our family.
2. Dump her on your husband and kids. Do not engage nor provide entertainment for her if she is doing this and you’re there with her. Be as boring as possible, borderline rude. Remember that she is being rude as well but doesn’t care.
3. Once a week visits with her are more than enough. Your DH can field the rest.
Good luck!

Exactly this - it’s the constantly being on that wears on me. I’m actually quite inclusive and love a chill hang out with extended family. With people who cannot get a hint and overstay constantly it gets tedious and emotionally exhausting though. You get it. Thanks - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're so lucky to have a MIL you despise. Someone women have nothing to post about on DCUM.

I don’t despise her. Just seeking advice on how to interact with someone who is an important part of our lives and also lacks boundaries. I want to live harmoniously with her and also not suffocate while doing so. People have decent tips.