MIL says she is dropping something off then lingers for hours until dinner

[Anonymous]

1. Take her along to group meetings clubs and encourage her to run for local office
2. Send her son over to have dinner with her once a week
3. Hide your presence when home and don’t answer the door. Pretend to be elsewhere. You have a right to privacy and your own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!

You and all of your friends will be old one day, if you're lucky, and then you will be forgetting how to use the phone to call your friends or forgetting how to answer it when it rings. None of you will be able to have a full life being social. Have fun with the aide your DS and DIL pay for to keep your butt free of urine on a schedule instead of when you need it. She has boundaries, too, and she will keep them -- especially with no loved ones around to check up on you or your aide. Not only does she know how to keep boundaries but she won't give a crap about social cues, either -- you'll be left in bed or parked in front of the tv no matter how much of a clue you try to give her that you want something else, no matter how much time you spend trying to impress on her that YOU have the upper hand goddamn it, not her. She won't read those social cues. Have fun with that, PP.

How old are we talking here? My parents are both early-mid eighties, and they know how to use a phone and have a more active social life than I do! My father just drove to California from the Midwest to visit relatives; my mother has plans with friends for every day that he's gone. They're planning a trip to SE Asia soon. I think you're underestimating what older people are capable of.

Same... My ILs are early 80s and on a cruise to Japan! What's this BS "wont know how to use a phone"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, people who do this really don’t care about what the other people want or enjoy. You are subservient role players in their image of what they want to do, They have little empathy and are laser focused on ensuring their desires are always met. This is why politely declining or graciously redirecting never works! They fundamentally don’t give a crap whether you have other things to do, didn’t invite them, don’t feel well or whatever. It’s never about you, it’s always about them.

They are also always searching for weaknesses. If you give in, they don’t think gee I really appreciate this and I’ll be mindful not to intrude again. Nope! They get a little dopamine hit that “ yeah, that worked! I got my way!” and they will 100% do it again and again.

They will think up pretenses. They aren’t bringing over a dish because they are thoughtful. No way, it’s a pretense to invite themselves over to dinner when they want regardless of your schedule.

I really think it’s a personality disorder that gets worse as it’s enabled. Especially, the anxious panic of constant calling if they don’t get their way. They enjoy the control, winning the game they are playing, and feeling important when they put their wants over your needs.

Op here - yes, this describes what happens when I do x versus y exactly.

Regarding finances for all those posting - my dh and I do not come from very different financial backgrounds, although my parents were immigrants and it’s definitely a rags to riches story for my family of origin.

My husbands assets from family are well protected in trusts, and I have no eye for them. There is a deal with the devil you make when you bring that type of transactional dynamic into a marriage and I’m not into it.

I am a minority though and my dh is white. My mil makes judgmental comments about other races lifestyles and ways of being in a tone that is incredulous and derogatory. She is basically a very subtle oblivious racist. Some of it is personality, some generational. She is all around quite judgmental though so it is what it is with her around all that.

She can be pleasant too. Thanks for the tips. Next time I will listen to my intuition instead of just rolling with it. I just wanted to get some other perspective. Def got a lot!!!

I have a close family member with this. My advice is to decide on your mind how much contact you can have without going crazy -- one meal a week plus one activity with the kids, or something. And then don't deviate from that. If she asks to come over, just kindly say no. Don't explain -- just say no and "looking forward to seeing you on Sunday!" Or whatever.

Put her on an "information diet" so that she actually doesn't know your family schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!

You and all of your friends will be old one day, if you're lucky, and then you will be forgetting how to use the phone to call your friends or forgetting how to answer it when it rings. None of you will be able to have a full life being social. Have fun with the aide your DS and DIL pay for to keep your butt free of urine on a schedule instead of when you need it. She has boundaries, too, and she will keep them -- especially with no loved ones around to check up on you or your aide. Not only does she know how to keep boundaries but she won't give a crap about social cues, either -- you'll be left in bed or parked in front of the tv no matter how much of a clue you try to give her that you want something else, no matter how much time you spend trying to impress on her that YOU have the upper hand goddamn it, not her. She won't read those social cues. Have fun with that, PP.

What are you prattling on about? Nobody forgets how to use a phone! Yes, some friends will die because death is a part of live, but considering I have friends of all ages, not just mine, and I make friends easily, I'm not worried about being "old and alone." You seem convinced that every old person winds up infirm and in a wheelchair drooling and pissing themselves. I come from a long line of people who do things like drop dead on the tennis court at 98, doing what they love, or dying in their sleep after going to the theater at 102. On both sides of my family, everyone lives a long and full life. I imagine I will too, despite you trying to doom me to be lonely and confused at 70.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She your husband’s mother. Show some respect.

I guess you can't read. Not surprising. She's been shown respect but mil isn't giving any. Do you invite yourself on other people's vacations? Do you actually believe she should be invited on all of this family's vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

What a beeitch you are!

No I'm just a person very comfortable with setting boundaries. That means when I give, I am always happy to do it and never ever resentful or feeling used.

We cannot wait until you are in your 70s. Cannot wait.

Why, what do you think is going to happen? I'll try to passive-aggressively push my way in to places I'm not wanted? Lol, fat chance. I have a rich life with great friends of all ages now, and look forward to being retired and super busy. I will fit in time for my family sometimes, but my life won't revolve around them.

And everyone will know why you want to spend so much time with them -- because you don't have much of a family life. How sad. "We let her hang out with us but we have to make sure to have serious boundaries with her because we have our own families to spend time with." "I know, it's so sad that she keeps fishing for invitations and ways to socialize. I feel sorry for her so I usually try to come up with a way do do something with her once a month. It's like charity." "I feel so fortunate to have my family in my life! To think I could have ended up a pathetic old woman trying to pretend friendships are more important than family!" "There but for the grace of God go I." "I know!"

You are hysterical. So, so hysterical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

Such sexist bullshite. You never stop with the backwards 1950s garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone - I got some good perspective from these responses and some subtle shifts that I can work on like picking something up.

To clarify, she did say “drop it off”. To give her some props though she did actually communicate with me beforehand which I appreciate and is a result of previous conversations.

Nevermind that she still passively inserts herself so she can get what she actually wants (I would have so much rather just fielded the question “would you like to get dinner”, but so it is what it is. I think she doesn’t ask out of habit but it’s also a way she gets what she wants and doesn’t have to risk a no.)

Husband does largely deal with her. We do see her regularly. Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond though. No exaggeration I mean like she would be at our house or us at hers literally every single day. There’s a story behind that as there usually is… her dh is basically absent despite being married. Lots of enmeshment with sons my dh has had to work through, and continues to.

Anyway, thanks all! Appreciate the thoughts

Why don't you invite her to stay for dinner? You obviously are not clueless about what she wants -- you just don't want to give it to her. "Her level of aloneness and need to see us is beyond" -- wtf? She's a lonely person who also is your MIL and you cannot figure out how to invite her over so she will be less lonely? You don't understand her connection to you, your DH or your kids? How can anyone be that dense. Are you on the spectrum OP?

Most everyone I know is lonely to some extent. I don't believe that is the issue here. Mil's expectations are unreasonable, she is rude and she knows she can get what she wants by forcing herself into situations. This is more of a personality type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Lock your door.
2. When she wants to come by to drop something off, say no, you'll come by to pick it up at x o'clock. Then keep the car running and have one of the kids run up to her house to get it and they can say "We can't stay - we're in the middle of running errands."
3. Give less information. Don't tell her when you're heading out, heading on vacation, which night you're going to Red Lobster, etc.

I hope you don't have boys. And if so, expect nothing.

I expect that as I age I will continue having a full life with friends, as well as having and respecting boundaries, and picking up on social cues. So, I don't expect any problems!

You and all of your friends will be old one day, if you're lucky, and then you will be forgetting how to use the phone to call your friends or forgetting how to answer it when it rings. None of you will be able to have a full life being social. Have fun with the aide your DS and DIL pay for to keep your butt free of urine on a schedule instead of when you need it. She has boundaries, too, and she will keep them -- especially with no loved ones around to check up on you or your aide. Not only does she know how to keep boundaries but she won't give a crap about social cues, either -- you'll be left in bed or parked in front of the tv no matter how much of a clue you try to give her that you want something else, no matter how much time you spend trying to impress on her that YOU have the upper hand goddamn it, not her. She won't read those social cues. Have fun with that, PP.

What are you prattling on about? Nobody forgets how to use a phone! Yes, some friends will die because death is a part of live, but considering I have friends of all ages, not just mine, and I make friends easily, I'm not worried about being "old and alone." You seem convinced that every old person winds up infirm and in a wheelchair drooling and pissing themselves. I come from a long line of people who do things like drop dead on the tennis court at 98, doing what they love, or dying in their sleep after going to the theater at 102. On both sides of my family, everyone lives a long and full life. I imagine I will too, despite you trying to doom me to be lonely and confused at 70.

I'm too scared of hubris to ever post anything like this....

[Anonymous]

Don't tell her when you are going to vacation.

Say no to coming over before dinner even if it's three hours before.

Directly ask MIL to leave your house. Be direct.

For example, I told my own mother that if she ever spoke to my children the way she spoke to me that she would never see any of us again. I meant it. This was effective. My children did not grow up with the emotional and verbal abuse.

Anytime, my mother started screaming after I was an adult, I would tell them (both parents I am leaving. I told them in advance that I would leave anytime she had a temper tantrum like that and I stuck to it.

You have to have rock solid boundaries.

One time, my mother came to a party and cried on my sofa, so she was not invited to parties after that.

She screamed at me after I had planned my grandmother's memorial and told me there was no point in having a funeral or a service. After that, I never rode in a car alone with her...

[Anonymous]

She brought dinner for the family and you should be gracious enough to say please have dinner with us.

[Anonymous]

This must be an American thing because if my mother in law did this I would not mind at all. The only time I would mind is if she wanted to spend the night without warning. And even still she can. She’s family. In our culture overstaying her welcome would be her sleeping over for a week 🤣

[Anonymous]

Suggest therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see her overstepping any boundaries. Yes, it sounds like a lot especially compared to those of us that have no family nearby, but man. She really loves spending time with you.

Why not redirect her energy in a way that helps her look forward to a visit. E.g. every Sunday dinner. Driving the kids to school, etc. That's what I've done with my parents. I give them purpose and put them to work. They see one of us daily. Not always me because that's too much for me, but they see one of the kids or my husband every day.

Maybe not your boundaries, but we’re each entitled to set our own. OP has set boundaries which the MIL has overstepped, that’s fact.

And we shouldn’t be responsible for giving purpose to others’ lives. That’s internal work for the MIL to take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with others who said to decline her offer from the get go. Keep her on a perpetual information diet. Never share your vacation plans or dinner plans ahead of time. If she is the type (like my mother) to fish for information from the kids, don’t tell them vacation plans either. This way she can’t buy a ticket and impose on you at the last minute or play the “the kids told me you’re going to X” or “the kids invited me to join you on X” card. She knows exactly what she is doing. It’s manipulative.

I agree with this, plus hosting her when you can because she's so lonely. But when I saw the headline I thought of my grandma who was not eating due to poor finances + poor executive function. So just in case, find out what she eats when she's alone and make sure she is getting meals.

OP here - I agree it’s manipulation too but still trying to work to somehow bring some level of harmony since neither of us will be moving away. I know because on one occasion in the past when we were discussing an event that someone else was hosting, I casually mentioned “well maybe x doesn’t want that”, to which she responded “oh don’t worry I know how to get what I want”. She is not oblivious but certainly a little mindless.

You seem like a nice person and I really believe that this person is overstepping. Something you said struck me -- that she could literally spend every day with you all and still not be satisfied.

If you find yourself feeling like a person is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom -- no matter how much you pour in, it will never be enough -- this is a person with borderline personality disorder. These people have a fear of abandonment and a desperate need to stay connected.

They don't change, but they do respond to very strict boundaries. Don't ever assume -- you have to be clear with her and push back when you don't want her around. Otherwise she will literally be there all the time and it still won't be enough to satisfy her need.

The people responding that you should be kinder probably don't have someone like this in their life. They have no clue how stressful and disturbing it is.

Read up on Borderline and see if it resonates.

LOL this actually made me laugh. "no matter how much you pour in it, it will never be enough" -- do you feel that way with your own kids? Like, OK, I spent time with them yesterday so why do I need to see them again today? No.

THe people responding that she should be kinder probably DO have people like this. They're called family members and there is literally nothing wrong with family members needing each other. Some people even like being part of an extended family. Imagine that.

First, you're responsible for the care of your minor children. OP is not responsible for the care of her fully adult, married MIL.
Secondly, MIL is only kinda family. If OP's husband divorced her, MIL would almost certainly not be coming by all the time to see how she's doing.
Thirdly, some people don't enjoy being part of an extended family, and that's okay.

100!!!