Divorcing wife over her spending

[Anonymous]

My wife and I and our two kids live a very comfortable lifestyle and way above our means. My wife spends excessively. She will stop but something always comes up. I feel she will financially ruin us. I love her but I'm seriously contemplating divorce.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to reign this in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I and our two kids live a very comfortable lifestyle and way above our means. My wife spends excessively. She will stop but something always comes up. I feel she will financially ruin us. I love her but I'm seriously contemplating divorce.

Before you consider divorce, consider separating your finances.

She has her money and assets in her own accounts, and her spending money for frills and luxuries must come from it. If she wants to spend more, she must earn more.

You lock up your assets in a binding legal agreement, and also have your own money accounts in your name only.

Create a will stipulating allocation of your assets, so she doesn't off you for your money.

If she won't agree to 50/50 spending on bills and separate accounts for the rest, then divorce her, as she is a gold digger at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to rein this in?

She does work but I make the bulk of our income.

We have 3.5 year old twins. We both want what’s best for their future but my wife goes overboard.

Excessive spending

- Most expensive daycare
- Most expensive preschool
- An expensive I caved and bought
- A new car
- expensive activities for the kids
- A tutor for the kids ( no joke)
- wasting hundreds each shopping trip
- always purchases random crap she sees online

This is just the tip of the iceberg. She didn’t use to be this way. Motherhood has made her very competitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to rein this in?

She does work but I make the bulk of our income.

We have 3.5 year old twins. We both want what’s best for their future but my wife goes overboard.

Excessive spending

- Most expensive daycare
- Most expensive preschool
- An expensive I caved and bought
- A new car
- expensive activities for the kids
- A tutor for the kids ( no joke)
- wasting hundreds each shopping trip
- always purchases random crap she sees online

This is just the tip of the iceberg. She didn’t use to be this way. Motherhood has made her very competitive.

OP, do you want to see your 3.5 YO twins grow up and be a part of their lives? Then cut the divorce talk. You have a problem and YOU need to step up to the plate. Why are you acting like a helpless child?

You know this is insane. You've got to cut her off. Come up with a monthly budget, one for the kids and one for her personal things. Work with her on this but you must enforce it. Cut up the credit cards if you have to.

They are YOUR KIDS TOO. Why are you allowing this??

[Anonymous]

If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

[Anonymous]

Consider another conversation with your wife on finances..

If she doesn’t work outside of the home maybe she should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

Tutors for 3.5 year olds is absolutely insane.

[Anonymous]

Are your twins special needs? Why do they need a tutor? Have you considered that YOU could be the one to sign them up for activities? Then you could pick lower-cost ones. If she agrees with you on say, soccer, you can pick the cheap kind of soccer.

[Anonymous]

You guys need to socially let go or distance from the people you can’t keep up with. I hope she can wake up and choose you and your family. I totally get how this happens…I’ve seen it A LOT. Move further out where all
that stuff is less visible. Or really it might be most helpful to move to a new place and start over—if she’s indebted you guys, she owes you this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

Tutors for 3.5 year olds is absolutely insane.

Tutor here-
Parents use tutors as a crutch sometimes to mask their inefficiency especially new moms or those that feel overwhelmed.
I have no problem with this- though a mom/parent tutor would be more beneficial

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to rein this in?

She does work but I make the bulk of our income.

We have 3.5 year old twins. We both want what’s best for their future but my wife goes overboard.

Excessive spending

- Most expensive daycare
- Most expensive preschool
- An expensive I caved and bought
- A new car
- expensive activities for the kids
- A tutor for the kids ( no joke)
- wasting hundreds each shopping trip
- always purchases random crap she sees online

This is just the tip of the iceberg. She didn’t use to be this way. Motherhood has made her very competitive.

This post is a huge red flag for me…about you.

Because it shouldn’t be relevant whether the preschool is the “most expensive” or the activity is “expensive.” The only question is if it fits in your budget. If it doesn’t, it’s too expensive even if it’s the cheapest preschool and the activity is the cheapest activity.

I don’t think any couple can be happy if you’re trying to agree on what’s “expensive” or “reasonable” or whatever. People are going to make different calls within a budget. It’s being within the budget that you have to agree on, and you have to agree on the long term plan that is the foundation for the budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

Tutors for 3.5 year olds is absolutely insane.

Tutor here-
Parents use tutors as a crutch sometimes to mask their inefficiency especially new moms or those that feel overwhelmed.
I have no problem with this- though a mom/parent tutor would be more beneficial

For all we know, when the OP says “tutor” he means speech language pathologist, or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

Tutors for 3.5 year olds is absolutely insane.

Tutor here-
Parents use tutors as a crutch sometimes to mask their inefficiency especially new moms or those that feel overwhelmed.
I have no problem with this- though a mom/parent tutor would be more beneficial

For all we know, when the OP says “tutor” he means speech language pathologist, or something.

Doubtful. He wouldn't have added the "no joke" comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to rein this in?

She does work but I make the bulk of our income.

We have 3.5 year old twins. We both want what’s best for their future but my wife goes overboard.

Excessive spending

- Most expensive daycare
- Most expensive preschool
- An expensive I caved and bought
- A new car
- expensive activities for the kids
- A tutor for the kids ( no joke)
- wasting hundreds each shopping trip
- always purchases random crap she sees online

This is just the tip of the iceberg. She didn’t use to be this way. Motherhood has made her very competitive.

This post is a huge red flag for me…about you.

Because it shouldn’t be relevant whether the preschool is the “most expensive” or the activity is “expensive.” The only question is if it fits in your budget. If it doesn’t, it’s too expensive even if it’s the cheapest preschool and the activity is the cheapest activity.

I don’t think any couple can be happy if you’re trying to agree on what’s “expensive” or “reasonable” or whatever. People are going to make different calls within a budget. It’s being within the budget that you have to agree on, and you have to agree on the long term plan that is the foundation for the budget.

+1. OP has the backbone of a wet noodle. No wonder his wife is running all over him with the spending. Big lack of respect for someone who constantly caves to what she wants.

Harsh, but that's the truth, OP.