Divorcing wife over her spending

[Anonymous]

For perspective OP, our total expenses (not including mortgage) ranges from 5-8k a month (average is 6.5k). Only one child. Expensive preschool. No activities yet. We live in a smaller home. Biggest expense is food. So 9k for your family seems normal. And like others have said, you can afford it. You may be saving less than you’d like to after tax but you’ve probably maxed out on all your pre-tax savings so you have plenty.

[Anonymous]

Also agree with pp that you should have the private school conversation with your wife sooner rather than later so you can budget for it and not grumble about sticker shock every semester or month tuition is due.

[Anonymous]

The willingness of men to chuck it all rather than solve problems will never cease to amaze me. OP is stressing about wife’s spending as if, as the breadwinner, this is something entirely out of his control. This is no different than any other problem in marriage OP. If you haven’t gone to marriage counseling over this and you’re posting on a message board asking if you should leave, I feel really bad for your kids. As a poster upthread said, you’re not some helpless waif unless you decide to be one.

Although, I can’t really decide if this is real. A guy making 600K with a $2 million house and this kind of wife with twins clearly hasn’t done the math on the fact that a divorce would make him broker than he is right now, or he’s a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is your income? Hers versus yours? How much does spend a month? How much was your home and her new car?

Our income is in the mid 600’s. I make close to $500 and her the rest.

Our monthly cost are close to $22k for just the basics. She spends 2-3k a month on whatever she wants.

House was $2.3m. Car was $30k.

You bought a $2.3 m house and signed your name to the mortage You are a fool as well.

😫

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The willingness of men to chuck it all rather than solve problems will never cease to amaze me. OP is stressing about wife’s spending as if, as the breadwinner, this is something entirely out of his control. This is no different than any other problem in marriage OP. If you haven’t gone to marriage counseling over this and you’re posting on a message board asking if you should leave, I feel really bad for your kids. As a poster upthread said, you’re not some helpless waif unless you decide to be one.

Although, I can’t really decide if this is real. A guy making 600K with a $2 million house and this kind of wife with twins clearly hasn’t done the math on the fact that a divorce would make him broker than he is right now, or he’s a troll.

Unfortunately yes, that's true. She will be entitled to support to sustain the standard of living she already has. They're not going to divide everything up 20/80, even if that's how their income is split now.

But he'll be in charge of whatever money he gets in the divorce, so he can be responsible with it. No matter how much money she has coming in, she will always want to spend more . . . that's the nature of the dopamine addiction. How much they make is really not relevant to this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

You guys are missing the point. OP makes close to 500 but that’s before taxes. They probably make like 350 after taxes. Op said they spend 300k a year. That’s not a lot of money to be saved and a huge amount of money to spend for a family of 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are missing the point. OP makes close to 500 but that’s before taxes. They probably make like 350 after taxes. Op said they spend 300k a year. That’s not a lot of money to be saved and a huge amount of money to spend for a family of 4.

So if she wants to live larger in society, she will have to live smaller at home. Or vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The willingness of men to chuck it all rather than solve problems will never cease to amaze me. OP is stressing about wife’s spending as if, as the breadwinner, this is something entirely out of his control. This is no different than any other problem in marriage OP. If you haven’t gone to marriage counseling over this and you’re posting on a message board asking if you should leave, I feel really bad for your kids. As a poster upthread said, you’re not some helpless waif unless you decide to be one.

Although, I can’t really decide if this is real. A guy making 600K with a $2 million house and this kind of wife with twins clearly hasn’t done the math on the fact that a divorce would make him broker than he is right now, or he’s a troll.

Unfortunately yes, that's true. She will be entitled to support to sustain the standard of living she already has. They're not going to divide everything up 20/80, even if that's how their income is split now.

But he'll be in charge of whatever money he gets in the divorce, so he can be responsible with it. No matter how much money she has coming in, she will always want to spend more . . . that's the nature of the dopamine addiction. How much they make is really not relevant to this dynamic.

If divorced, she'll get half of everything, child support, alimony and extra's. He'll come out at a huge loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are missing the point. OP makes close to 500 but that’s before taxes. They probably make like 350 after taxes. Op said they spend 300k a year. That’s not a lot of money to be saved and a huge amount of money to spend for a family of 4.

Exactly... The wife thinks they are filthy rich the way she's spending.
Red Flag!

[Anonymous]

They both think they are filthy rich. The house is what is most expensive. Most people do not have a $13k per month mortgage. If parents do buy a house that large, they put enough equity into it to have a lower mortgage. An expensive preschool is maybe $5000 a year and $20k over a 4 year period? That isn't heavy spending with someone that makes in the top 1%. Tutoring once week? $2600 over a year? That's a weekend vacation for some. It's the house. You don't need to live in that large of a house with a toddler. In addition to it being too much for a starter home, no one else can afford a house like that with young children so they won't have any playmates nearby.

I know plenty of families that spend $100 per week on their kids for extracurriculars and splurge for a nice preschool where a child spends 40 hours at so they can work. I don't know many people that have $13k per month mortgages.

[Anonymous]

Give her a separate checking account with an allowance. Don't divorce.

[Anonymous]

This isn't just about finances; she needs therapy to deal with her fearful competitiveness. The tutor for 3.5 olds is the indicator here. If she doesn't get ahold of herself immediately, she will ruin your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The willingness of men to chuck it all rather than solve problems will never cease to amaze me. OP is stressing about wife’s spending as if, as the breadwinner, this is something entirely out of his control. This is no different than any other problem in marriage OP. If you haven’t gone to marriage counseling over this and you’re posting on a message board asking if you should leave, I feel really bad for your kids. As a poster upthread said, you’re not some helpless waif unless you decide to be one.

Although, I can’t really decide if this is real. A guy making 600K with a $2 million house and this kind of wife with twins clearly hasn’t done the math on the fact that a divorce would make him broker than he is right now, or he’s a troll.

Unfortunately yes, that's true. She will be entitled to support to sustain the standard of living she already has. They're not going to divide everything up 20/80, even if that's how their income is split now.

But he'll be in charge of whatever money he gets in the divorce, so he can be responsible with it. No matter how much money she has coming in, she will always want to spend more . . . that's the nature of the dopamine addiction. How much they make is really not relevant to this dynamic.

There won't be any money left once she financially ruins everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are still saving $300k a year. I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. They arent in debt and have more than twice what the average person makes in a year just in savings. Imaginary problems. The house takes up more than half of the expenses. If you just move, you can sell for the same amount and lose maybe 50k. You would make up that loss within the next year with a lower mortgage. Since you just moved, its easier actually to move again. People in many jobs move every 2 to 3 years. Move to a house that at least takes off $4000 per month and then between her salary and this $4000 savings she can spend on whatever frivolous activity she wants. That should give her at least $8000 a month to spend on her stuff outside of the house and bills.

Post tax?

This -- How ??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The willingness of men to chuck it all rather than solve problems will never cease to amaze me. OP is stressing about wife’s spending as if, as the breadwinner, this is something entirely out of his control. This is no different than any other problem in marriage OP. If you haven’t gone to marriage counseling over this and you’re posting on a message board asking if you should leave, I feel really bad for your kids. As a poster upthread said, you’re not some helpless waif unless you decide to be one.

Although, I can’t really decide if this is real. A guy making 600K with a $2 million house and this kind of wife with twins clearly hasn’t done the math on the fact that a divorce would make him broker than he is right now, or he’s a troll.

Unfortunately yes, that's true. She will be entitled to support to sustain the standard of living she already has. They're not going to divide everything up 20/80, even if that's how their income is split now.

But he'll be in charge of whatever money he gets in the divorce, so he can be responsible with it. No matter how much money she has coming in, she will always want to spend more . . . that's the nature of the dopamine addiction. How much they make is really not relevant to this dynamic.

"Whatever money he gets in the divorce" on that income with wife's current spending levels is like giving someone ten bucks, taking back, eight, and then telling they can be in charge of two. Who cares? He doesn't earn enough for two wealthy households. Also, marriage is a business, but it's not just a business when you have kids. You're in charge of people's lives.

This guy "doesn't want his wife to feel like a child" so he won't put boundaries around spending, all while outearning her by orders of magnitude, and would give up half time with his kids (and let's face it, guys like this never take 50/50 custody, so there goes more $ in child support) rather than manning up. I mean...I just can't. Like I said, they'll chuck it all and start over rather than doing the work. It's really something.