Divorcing wife over her spending

[Anonymous]

My take is it’s the home. You just moved in to a big $2.3m home. That’s a lot to furnish and make look nice. And she’s buying a lot of extra stuff for the home. For a house that big, the buying of stuff to decorate will never end. You need to put that stuff on a budget.

Sure, you can cut out the tutor but she is probably also using the tutor as a form of childcare so she can get a break. Better to hire a tutor than a babysitter because your child may be learning more with a “tutor” during this time. I don’t think the tutor or activities or the daycare/preschool is the problem. Those seem within the range of normal. I know families in the DMV who have their toddlers in swim, dance or soccer, and some form of music too. It seems excessive, but there are folks who consider swim lessons to be a must no matter what.

[Anonymous]

They are still saving $300k a year. I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. They arent in debt and have more than twice what the average person makes in a year just in savings. Imaginary problems. The house takes up more than half of the expenses. If you just move, you can sell for the same amount and lose maybe 50k. You would make up that loss within the next year with a lower mortgage. Since you just moved, its easier actually to move again. People in many jobs move every 2 to 3 years. Move to a house that at least takes off $4000 per month and then between her salary and this $4000 savings she can spend on whatever frivolous activity she wants. That should give her at least $8000 a month to spend on her stuff outside of the house and bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are still saving $300k a year. I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. They arent in debt and have more than twice what the average person makes in a year just in savings. Imaginary problems. The house takes up more than half of the expenses. If you just move, you can sell for the same amount and lose maybe 50k. You would make up that loss within the next year with a lower mortgage. Since you just moved, its easier actually to move again. People in many jobs move every 2 to 3 years. Move to a house that at least takes off $4000 per month and then between her salary and this $4000 savings she can spend on whatever frivolous activity she wants. That should give her at least $8000 a month to spend on her stuff outside of the house and bills.

Post tax?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much is your income? Hers versus yours? How much does spend a month? How much was your home and her new car?

Our income is in the mid 600’s. I make close to $500 and her the rest.

Our monthly cost are close to $22k for just the basics. She spends 2-3k a month on whatever she wants.

House was $2.3m. Car was $30k.

You make $600k and she spends $2000 per month on things you don't necessarily agree with? That really isn't that much for hers and the kids personal spending and preschool is only a couple of years. If the house is $13k and she spends $3k on these things, than where is the other $6k going towards? I spent money on a nice preschool and travel sports for kids but my mortgage is $2k

[Anonymous]

She also might want the children to do private school. You probably can't pay for all of this and an expensive home. Just do one or the other.

[Anonymous]

How did you manage to get a car that fits 2 carseats and all the crap I imagine one has to schlep around for twins that age for only $30k?!?

[Anonymous]

I was expecting choos and jewelry, and this woman spends it on her kids.

[Anonymous]

OP,

1. She sounds like she has anxiety. Ask her to see a therapist.

2. Get credit reports from all the agencies, then lock your credit. This will prevent side credit cards. Do this because you are “concerned about criminals stealing your identity”.

3. Then separate finances. Tightly budget everything. A home decor budget. A home repair budget. A gifts for family budget. Gym and personal trainer. Her car (She needs to start saving for a new one, even if she has one. At your income level, you should be paying cash.) Family eating out. Vacations. Clothes for her. Kids. Everything that makes life as sparkle, except your personal discretionary budget.

4. Then help her use an app like Monarch to manage the budgets to her that she’s interested in. Sure, she can do four activities for the kids, but she’ll need to dip into one of the other budgets she controls. Maybe she can buy clothes from thrift stores. Maybe she can agree to go no-gifts with extended family.

5. You pay all the bills out of your money. Ensure your retirement is fully funded. You probably need her to put the rest of her money towards her own retirement and the mortgage. Watch carefully to ensure her mortgage payment comes in every month.

6. Meet once a month over a glass of wine to go over the budget.

7. I wouldn’t divorce right now, but don’t encourage her to quit, because you’d owe her alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was expecting choos and jewelry, and this woman spends it on her kids.

+1 That’s my feeling too! lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

1. She sounds like she has anxiety. Ask her to see a therapist.

2. Get credit reports from all the agencies, then lock your credit. This will prevent side credit cards. Do this because you are “concerned about criminals stealing your identity”.

3. Then separate finances. Tightly budget everything. A home decor budget. A home repair budget. A gifts for family budget. Gym and personal trainer. Her car (She needs to start saving for a new one, even if she has one. At your income level, you should be paying cash.) Family eating out. Vacations. Clothes for her. Kids. Then let her pay for all the fun. Everything that makes life as sparkle, except your personal discretionary budget.

4. Then help her use an app like Monarch to manage the budgets to her that she’s interested in. Sure, she can do four activities for the kids, but she’ll need to dip into one of the other budgets she controls. Maybe she can buy clothes from thrift stores. Maybe she can agree to go no-gifts with extended family.

5. You pay all the bills out of your money. Ensure your retirement is fully funded. You probably need her to put the rest of her money towards her own retirement and the mortgage. Watch carefully to ensure her mortgage payment comes in every month.

6. Meet once a month over a glass of wine to go over the budget.

7. I wouldn’t divorce right now, but don’t encourage her to quit, because you’d owe her alimony.

Just realized I left out an important step.

[Anonymous]

Probably another April fools post

[Anonymous]

Next up will be a fixation on the most expensive private schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just move to a smaller house. Also why does she have to work at that level of household money? If she wants to help her kids why doesn't she stay home for a time? They are twins. 10 years will go by and she can go back to work. Meanwhile you will have more say on the expenses. She will have to use the time she has with the kids. She can watch or read whatever training she wants for the kids while they are at preschool and then be with the kids in the afternoon. Being more around other moms may also soften her a bit. Give her a debit card to use each month with a set amount on it till she reins in her spending.

I hope you don't want your kids growing up in a divorced household. That doesn't seem to serve anyone.

It is in OP’s interest if she works for multiple reasons. For one, working is less opportunity to spend out boredom. For two, it reduces potential future alimony if they do divorce. For three, she probably would still outsource all that stuff even if she were home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably another April fools post

Started March 31?

[Anonymous]

None of those expenses seem out of the ordinary to me --considering your income (except the tutor).

Even the house, they can afford it.