Divorcing wife over her spending

[Anonymous]

You need to divorce. Changing localities will not help bc this is a psychological issue for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to rein this in?

She does work but I make the bulk of our income.

We have 3.5 year old twins. We both want what’s best for their future but my wife goes overboard.

Excessive spending

- Most expensive daycare
- Most expensive preschool
- An expensive I caved and bought
- A new car
- expensive activities for the kids
- A tutor for the kids ( no joke)
- wasting hundreds each shopping trip
- always purchases random crap she sees online

This is just the tip of the iceberg. She didn’t use to be this way. Motherhood has made her very competitive.

OP, do you want to see your 3.5 YO twins grow up and be a part of their lives? Then cut the divorce talk. You have a problem and YOU need to step up to the plate. Why are you acting like a helpless child?

You know this is insane. You've got to cut her off. Come up with a monthly budget, one for the kids and one for her personal things. Work with her on this but you must enforce it. Cut up the credit cards if you have to.

They are YOUR KIDS TOO. Why are you allowing this??

I 1000% want to be part of their lives. They’re my kids.

I’m throwing divorce out because we have been through this song and dance one too many times. We have had multiple talks at length. We set a budget and she is good for a while and then something comes up and she always veers off of it.

We have “ wallets” of money allocated for expenses. She always dips into our checking or savings. I’ve tried multiple ways and she won’t stop spending money.

I don’t want to cut her off like a child. I don’t want her to feel like she is financially controlled because that sounds super abusive.

We don’t have credit cards. It’s our money. She just spends so much on stupid things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

We moved out of DC years ago. We live in a moderately expensive area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

Tutors for 3.5 year olds is absolutely insane.

She started at 2. I think it’s nuts but she has really been into them being advanced and getting the best start in life.

[Anonymous]

I would divorce. You will end paying alimony and child support but it much be cheaper in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I and our two kids live a very comfortable lifestyle and way above our means. My wife spends excessively. She will stop but something always comes up. I feel she will financially ruin us. I love her but I'm seriously contemplating divorce.

Financial literacy education to teach her why she shouldn't waste money and counseling for her to understand why she wastes and how to stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are your twins special needs? Why do they need a tutor? Have you considered that YOU could be the one to sign them up for activities? Then you could pick lower-cost ones. If she agrees with you on say, soccer, you can pick the cheap kind of soccer.

No special needs. One is a little more ahead of the other but still within normal for their age.

My wife decided that early tutoring and things like an advanced preschool is a crucial head start for their futures.

My wife likes to keep up with others. I wouldn’t mind this if she cut out all the other spending.

Our kids are in karate, swimming, early childhood, and music classes. She had them in classes since they were infants.

[Anonymous]

Her spending won’t change..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

We moved out of DC years ago. We live in a moderately expensive area.

Then 1) This forum is not for you and
2) You are an idiot to have lived with this for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

Tutors for 3.5 year olds is absolutely insane.

Tutor here-
Parents use tutors as a crutch sometimes to mask their inefficiency especially new moms or those that feel overwhelmed.
I have no problem with this- though a mom/parent tutor would be more beneficial

For all we know, when the OP says “tutor” he means speech language pathologist, or something.

No. I know my kids. It’s a tutor. She helps them learn to read, colors, textures, abcs, sign language, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in the DC area - LEAVE. The rat race is soul crushing and the competitiveness will get even worse. And please get some couples therapy.

The vast majority of that spending on the kids isn't really excessive. It's kind of strange that you're even considering divorce already. Motherhood DOES change a person. She has twins and she's anxious that she won't be a good mother without this.
Obviously, I don't think she should be spending you into oblivion, but the DC area is insanely expensive. Even if you think it's a lot of money, it may not be. My dh is constantly shocked by the cost of literally everything and doesn't believe me at times!! It's not the same as a few decades ago. Be sure you're really understanding and also researching, etc. Don't leave it all up to her and then complain.

We moved out of DC years ago. We live in a moderately expensive area.

Then 1) This forum is not for you and
2) You are an idiot to have lived with this for so long.

Why isn’t the forum for op? Many posters no longer live in the dc area. I don’t think you get to decide who posts here.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she has at least one mental disorder, such as anxiety, that should be medicated, and for which she should seek therapy.

Please sit her down and tell her that she's crossed a line, and you are considering divorce unless she seek psychiatric treatment and therapy.

Separately, she also needs long-term financial education. You need to sit her down and go over your budget: what are you saving for? Retirement, college, emergencies. Does she have a good grasp of how much all these things cost? I send my kid to an 85K a year university, OP. I am aware that nursing homes can cost upward of 10K a month. So I organize my finances with those things in mind. You two need to talk about this.

As PP said, it's weird you're both hung up on "the most expensive school" or whatever. I'm a fiscally responsible Tiger Parent Meaning, I get the most bang for my buck when it comes to my children's education. I researched the heck out of preschools, and we did pay for a Montessori one that was quite nice... but it wasn't the most expensive one in our area by far. It was the BEST FIT. She needs to move away from most expensive, to best fit sort of concept. I taught my kids starting from when they were toddlers (reading, counting, etc), but I didn't pay a tutor for that. Again, most bang for my buck.

Anyway. I hope you two work things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. This is a hard one.

Does your wife work and contribute meaningfully to HH income? What is she spending excessively on? (clothes, house, vacations, etc?)

Before leaping to divorce and breaking up your kids' home, what have you done to rein this in?

She does work but I make the bulk of our income.

We have 3.5 year old twins. We both want what’s best for their future but my wife goes overboard.

Excessive spending

- Most expensive daycare
- Most expensive preschool
- An expensive I caved and bought
- A new car
- expensive activities for the kids
- A tutor for the kids ( no joke)
- wasting hundreds each shopping trip
- always purchases random crap she sees online

This is just the tip of the iceberg. She didn’t use to be this way. Motherhood has made her very competitive.

OP, do you want to see your 3.5 YO twins grow up and be a part of their lives? Then cut the divorce talk. You have a problem and YOU need to step up to the plate. Why are you acting like a helpless child?

You know this is insane. You've got to cut her off. Come up with a monthly budget, one for the kids and one for her personal things. Work with her on this but you must enforce it. Cut up the credit cards if you have to.

They are YOUR KIDS TOO. Why are you allowing this??

I 1000% want to be part of their lives. They’re my kids.

I’m throwing divorce out because we have been through this song and dance one too many times. We have had multiple talks at length. We set a budget and she is good for a while and then something comes up and she always veers off of it.

We have “ wallets” of money allocated for expenses. She always dips into our checking or savings. I’ve tried multiple ways and she won’t stop spending money.

I don’t want to cut her off like a child. I don’t want her to feel like she is financially controlled because that sounds super abusive.

We don’t have credit cards. It’s our money. She just spends so much on stupid things.

PP again. Well, then you have a problem and it sounds like your solution is to quit (on her and your kids) rather than man up and deal with it.

You "don't want to cut her off like a child." But she is behaving like one (and so are you, by the way) by refusing to acknowledge the plan you've both set up. Maybe she can't. Maybe she NEEDS for you to cut her off. Some people are that out of control on spending. She's like an alcoholic. She can't veer off, not even once.

She is "financially controlled" by the limits of her income. Unless you live in another world that the rest of us don't, we're all controlled by our financial means, or our debt. Take your pick.

And you, yes, you need to put an end to the foolish spending on your children.

[Anonymous]

Is she bipolar?

[Anonymous]

How much is your income? Hers versus yours? How much does spend a month? How much was your home and her new car?